Confusion Of Rains

After awhile, naturally, Anee became rather numb to everything that was going on around her. it was surprising how very little mattered very much. there was still a lovely taste of chocolate, when a friend would put a piece of chocolate...just slivers really...in her mouth...nothing else actually 'tasted' at all...maybe chocolate was close to breast milk. changing her and turning her and bathing her were all getting cozy. being a baby. people still expected great wisdom to come out of her chocolate coated lips, tho. they hovered over her. she was known for wise things. healing things. every body who needed her was there serving her with chocolate and diaper changes. so that she would leave last words with them that would make a difference. sometimes she thought that if she just meowed at them like a cat, they would go away. they'd say that her mind had finally snapped. but Anee couldn't get up the energy to mew or to meow. she tried it once and they thought she was choking and put the damn tube down to suction her. better to just mutter stuff like It is all Love, or Love is What You Do....most of her devoted acolytes seemed quieted and satisfied with bits like that. Anee felt so very tired of them all.

It wasn't like she felt like she was dying. Anee simply felt like she was living less and less response - ive- ly...less ably.even turning herself seemed just too, too difficult...too many muscles to maneuver...she didn't even feel restless any more. the doctors who came in were all so cheerful, as well. one even said that she may well pull through it. every one nodded. pull through what, exactly, Anee wondered lazily? who would be doing this 'pulling'? not her, surely...sliding down hill slowly and comfortably and inexorably seemed totally OK to her. there was nothing to it...

Then, one particularly sunny, sleepy morning...in came the Medicine Man. Anee recalled him. he had promised to come if ever she would need him. he had been at some new age gathering or another...maybe a decade ago. She knew him tho, even after all the years. his eyes were wide and wild. she had thought him strikingly psychotic in a handsome sort of way...she had not engaged him. he had simply walked up, with all his chest and arm and leg bells jangling. stood right in front of her and said, I promise to come when you need me... using all the pc charm she could draw from inside her nearing-jaded self, Anee had said back, I would be honored...
so where did he come from? this was most rude and very inconvenient. dying in peace had needed very little getting-used-to...Anee liked it...definitely, when he came into the room, Dark and Wind and Moisture of Rain came in with him. the sunshine day was gone on that wind. completely gone.
the nurse was apologetic. he said he is your brother, she explained. Anee looked at his face. He is, was all she said. then looked upset. she hadn't, surely, said that! Yes, he is. He is my Brother. Welcome, Confusion of Rains! he did not look surprised that she knew his name. but she did. until she said it, she had not known his name...

Drought. he said then, simply. it's too dry around here. for miles. there will be seven rains this year. you have to put this - here, he pulled out a small clawed bear claw - into stagnant water near your home up the hill. then those rains will come. otherwise, I cannot guarantee any rains at all. Sure. she answered. she nodded her head. only, I'm dying, as you can see. maybe someone else...No. he was clear. You. you are my Opposite Number. it has to be you. Right. Anee said quietly. psychotic. that's what he was...You are unwilling. you think I am crazy. but you Know I am not. you sometimes fake it. but you do have power. your fear of it is killing you.

Anee suddenly felt extremely tired. the room was dark. where in hell were the nurses. where were her many visitors. they should be exhorting this charlatan out of here. Anee tried to reach for her call bell to get the nurse. but Confusion of Rains put a hand gently over hers. she felt warm water and smelled earth and plants and tasted water and honey and salt. she also felt a bit sexy. which was really crazy, since she had been busy dying just a minute ago...Anee felt silly. I am dying, she said.

He laughed loudly then and took both of her hands. Of course you are! we are all Dying. I am! the River is! The Sea is! the Earth is! even the Sky is...surely all the animals and plants are. but of course, we are all Living just the same. you know that. Dying is not a good reason not to do what needs to be done. Only Living is a good reason to do what must be done...

Anee felt pissed. really angry. I want to die in peace. her voice came out like a witch's voice in a play on Halloween. she scared herself...no one dies in peace. he told here. no one does. you can only die in grace.but naturally, you have to do grace-full things first...

Anee felt trapped. one call of this call button. she told him...and I'll have you out of here...find it first, he challenged. Anee could feel the gorge rising in her throat. you bastard, she hissed at him. you are evil. you are a devil. I am dying. you are...you are Harassing me!
he laughed again. a bark. much like a coyote bark, Anee was not pleased to note. you are an animal! she was snarling now. he kept laughing, now lightly. the way a dog laughs. Anee had seen dogs laugh before. like they knew a joke you didn't know. Get out! get out of my room! why don't the nurses come? Anee heard herself shouting. but no one was coming. then she realized that she was really whispering. only Confusion of Rain could hear her. she couldn't shout. it was stuck in her throat. That's right, he whispered back into her ear. you are the Wind where it has blown. the Rain will follow...

in the Anee's dark room, there was surely a clap of thunder. Lightening thick as a sword blade zigged and zagged across the room. Anee snatched at her covers and drew them up over her head. she was growing wet and cold with the Rain. Rain everywhere around her...this was all impossible! where in this hell were the nurses? was it a broken sprinkler system in the ceiling? had there been an earthquake? Anee's terror grew and grew. this was a terrible, terrible way to be dying...in the dark, the Medicine Man's voice was thunder itself. This is not about Dying. the voice was low and rumbling. This is about Living....

Anee poked her head out of the sopping covers. the man was still standing there. arms crossed over his very respectable dark suit. his long dark hair in neat braids. the simple beaded bands at his throat and around his forehead neat and somehow respectable. it was Anee who looked bedraggled and unkempt by now. that she knew. he was not even wet. just the bed was wet. Anee began to wonder abruptly if she had been hallucinating. maybe she had spilled something. or peed the bed. she felt exhausted. the light was beginning to grow in the room like a dawn...the thunder was subsiding....

How are you feeling, Anee? the man was looking down at her. concerned. normal. like it rained over beds every day in this hospital. Anee looked up at him. what happened, she whispered. you almost died, I think. he whispered back at her. but I think you will be OK now. you have work to do. he put his cool hand on her forehead. Anee felt cool and comfortable. and dry. no sweat. no pee. no wet covers. cool and dry. she sighed once. gave a little wiggle of her light body. and fell asleep.

The nurse came in, concern on her tired face...how is our patient doing? he smiled at her. she is sleeping. she will be all right now. she will better and better every day...it's going to rain soon, you know...she smiled back. it hasn't rained in months! we're in a drought. yes, I know he said kindly. he put something in his pocket. it looked like a bear paw, she thought. but that couldn't be right, now, could it....

Anee woke to soft rain on the window...she quickly touched her sheets...dry...she stretched, and sat up weakly in the bed. O my! the nurse standing near was alarmed! what are you doing, mam! Aimee dangled her legs over the side of the bed. I need to go to the bathroom, she asked primly. I feel stiff! can you help me? Surely...the nurse walked her to the bathroom. wonder was all over her face. when she tucked Anee back into bed, she said Excuse me, mam...I think I'll have the doctor come to see you. to check on you...she slipped out of the room....

The doctor came in at once...how are you? Anee was started. the doctor looked so anxious. almost upset. I feel much better, she said gravely, to match his serious face...I am on the mend, I think. she added that comment almost coquettishly. Is there something wrong, doctor? he began to check her out very carefully. head to toe. he ordered some lab work...she repeated. what's wrong, please?

Anee. you were dying only an hour ago. now, frankly, you are not dying. I am not sure what has happened. perhaps you are undergoing a...a...spontaneous remission. I'm not sure. I'm really not sure what is happening with you. please stay in bed, however, until I have a...a...feel for this. for what is...ummmm...happening....... he looked at her sternly....do you feel differently, Anee?

Yes. she said simply. I feel alive...did anyone see when my guest left?...your guest? asked the nurse...yes, you know...the native American man...with the suit? the beads? my visitor? just a little while ago?....she paused. there was no look of recognition on the faces before her...I had a visitor...remember? I had a visitor....

The doctor shook his head and looked at the nurse...didn't I say she was to have no visitors at all, Miss? Miss?,,,,the nurse shook her head, bewildered....Doctor, no one else but me has been in this room at all in over three hours...her visitors have been all told to wait in the Visitor Room....the doctor and nurse looked long at the other. Anee looked from face to face...Did I dream about this visitor, do you think?...Yes, yes. the doctor answered slowly, as if in a fog far away. I am sure you had a dream, Anee...just rest now, please. just rest...he lowered the lights a bit...the nurse tucked the blankets gently around her...Anee slept a dreamless, restful sleep...

One week later, Anee was discharged from the hospital to a party, an entire celebration, of acolytes and friends and family and colleagues accompanying her in all her healthy glory to her waiting limo they had hired to carry her home...Anee had beat the odds...she was the Queen of All again...she was...well...Cured...for all practical purposes...no disease anywhere...all cells happy and healthy...fresh faced - even young-appearing...back to her popular, successful life and self...

Months and months later...Anee's life had become quite a bit different...over time...then Anee had expected...it became her nature to somehow know, with accuracy close to magic, how to summon weathers needed in different areas of California...she was inaccurate enough to not attract too much untoward attention. she was accurate enough to be requested, by folks who believed in such interventions, to please come and summon the rains for them...for their crops...for the forests...for the wild rivers...many of these folks were Native Americans on the Rancherias. they found it quite matter-of-fact to ask her to come. to request her summoning energies...most often, it would rain. just enough...otherwise, Anee continued her well-paid therapeutic work in the Alternative Medicine circles of California, which had been her talent before her 'illness' and her 'near-death'. memories of which faded over time. the way a song fades in your memory. if you forget to sing it.

Anee grew older and older. still healthy. but older. vulnerable to time. as all alive is. sometimes she thought she saw the man who had been in her hospital 'dream'. she saw the beads at his throat and around his forehead. the dark suit.she could feel the salty sweetness of the rain on her body. tho nothing was there...she still did her work. her unusual work. well into her nineties...then one day, she felt the end being near. she wasn't sure why. she just knew it. the way some old people do. she rested more. every one worried. but, of course, less than before. after all. she was very, very old...it would be fun if she could make it to one hundred years tho. but that was not to be.

her friends who looked in on her every morning, to be sure she was all right, found her lying quite still in her little plain bed. her hands were crossed quite simply over her old and kind chest. which was no longer bothering to move breath in and out. gently, they smoothed her hair...one of them went to call the doctor and her people...the other looked lovingly down at her...have you ever noticed, he said softly, how like bear paws her wonderful old healing hands appear? just like bear paws....

at her funeral, a large service, seeing how old she was, there was a man no one had any connection with at all...he was a nice, unassuming young man. a Native American. he wore a dark suit. a band of beads about his throat. another band around his forehead, over his dark black braids... he had a very kind face... he mentioned that he had been in the hospital when she had been so ill, long ago, when she had almost died...we helped each other, he said...no one seemed to notice that he seemed to be too young to have been there all that time ago...after all. Native Americans often "look younger" than they are. everyone knows that....

He signed his name in the Memorial Guest Book....Confusion of Rains....

no one saw him when he placed the bear claw under her withered hands in the coffin...
she was buried with it...over her grave, the tree they planted tapped, somehow, into a wonderful underground spring. it grew larger and healthier every year, in spite of drought or heat or winds....

and the rains in that part of California - always unpredictable in the past - were always just enough...always enough...to sustain Life...
Life...simply everywhere... as far as the eye could see.....