THE OSPREY WINGS
The Osprey wings the Osprey dives
The spray of Waterfall is surging
Against his body in the Sun
The Lights and Streaks of Rainbow
And when we sing
We sing of Freedoms
The Ways the Osprey
Flies like Wonder
Against the Falls
Like Wonder
Into the Sky
Like Song
He brings the Fish home to the nest
Where the small Young are waitin'
There is the joy and beat of wing
That means we eat - we flourish
And when we sing
We sing of Freedoms
The Ways the Osprey
Flies like Wonder
Against the Falls
Like Wonder
Into the Sky
Like Song
It isn't easy - so they say - to see
Their silver winging -
It isn't easy to see Two - or hear
Them speak Together
And when we sing
We sing of Freedoms
The Ways the Osprey
Flies Like Wonder
Against the Falls
Like Wonder
Into the Sky
Like Song
Repeat this Last Refrain
8/20/12
8/16/12
SONGS I WOULD SING are lyrics about my singin' all the time...I no longer am a good Singer - but I've always been a Good Harmony Singer - good at backups...love to sing....
SONGS I WOULD SING
There are Songs I would sing
I sing Songs in my heart, I do, I do
They all come out too simply
Even when I'm feelin' blue
An' I don't want to ever lose
My Hopes and my Songs
I don't want to stop all this Singin'
Harmonies leavin' my lips like Breathin'
Songs in my own Heart are Wingin'
Songs from my own Heart are Wingin'
There are Songs that I feel
I feel Song in my Heart, I do, I do
It is the Song of my own Life
Every Time the Song comes through
An' I don't want to ever Fly
Without my Hopes, my Songs
I won't ever stop all this Singin'
Harmony's deep in my Soul like Breathin'
Songs deep in my Heart still Wingin'
Songs deep in my Heart are Wingin'
There are Songs that I sing
From my Heart, I do, I do
It is the Life of my Songs
Every Time I sing of me and of you
Every Time the Songs sing through
When I sing of me, of you
There are Songs I would sing
I sing Songs in my heart, I do, I do
They all come out too simply
Even when I'm feelin' blue
An' I don't want to ever lose
My Hopes and my Songs
I don't want to stop all this Singin'
Harmonies leavin' my lips like Breathin'
Songs in my own Heart are Wingin'
Songs from my own Heart are Wingin'
There are Songs that I feel
I feel Song in my Heart, I do, I do
It is the Song of my own Life
Every Time the Song comes through
An' I don't want to ever Fly
Without my Hopes, my Songs
I won't ever stop all this Singin'
Harmony's deep in my Soul like Breathin'
Songs deep in my Heart still Wingin'
Songs deep in my Heart are Wingin'
There are Songs that I sing
From my Heart, I do, I do
It is the Life of my Songs
Every Time I sing of me and of you
Every Time the Songs sing through
When I sing of me, of you
REAPIN' WHAT YOU TEND are Country and Western Lyrics to a Line inspired by a Poem read...all about a farmin' woman and her man - it can easily be sung as a duet....
REAPIN' WHAT YOU TEND
Now the fallow fields are lively
Shooting up the spears of Spring
I would tend these fields with honor
I would give most anything
To see you here with me
Standin' in these fields with me
You are kindest as I can hope
Ever you could ever be
You can plant the seeds of love
An' you can watch them grow in me
Now the rains are sweetly fallin'
Bringin' life to every thing
An' the sun is warmin' soil
An' holdin' Life within its ring
So you'll be here with me
Standin' in these crops with me
You are lovin' as I can hope
Ever you could ever be
You can tend these seeds of love
An' you can watch them grow in me
Now the harvest's comin' in fine
Fillin' baskets with so much
All your work is bringin' joy
All these fields yield to your touch
An' I'll be here with you
Standin' in your arms with you
You are my man as I can hope
Ever you could ever be
You have reaped all you could sow
An' you brought sweet love to me
An' you reaped sweet love in me
Now the fallow fields are lively
Shooting up the spears of Spring
I would tend these fields with honor
I would give most anything
To see you here with me
Standin' in these fields with me
You are kindest as I can hope
Ever you could ever be
You can plant the seeds of love
An' you can watch them grow in me
Now the rains are sweetly fallin'
Bringin' life to every thing
An' the sun is warmin' soil
An' holdin' Life within its ring
So you'll be here with me
Standin' in these crops with me
You are lovin' as I can hope
Ever you could ever be
You can tend these seeds of love
An' you can watch them grow in me
Now the harvest's comin' in fine
Fillin' baskets with so much
All your work is bringin' joy
All these fields yield to your touch
An' I'll be here with you
Standin' in your arms with you
You are my man as I can hope
Ever you could ever be
You have reaped all you could sow
An' you brought sweet love to me
An' you reaped sweet love in me
8/15/12
AUGUST LEAVES is lyrics about leaves from the deciduous trees blowing out to sea...the end of summer....
AUGUST LEAVES
Leaves going out to the Ocean
Mixing their souls with the sand
Tasting of salt and the deep winds
Spreading their lives on the strands
Showing their colors the greens and the golds
Yellows and reds all the best
While dying denying the cost and the hope
With the Sea as their last place to rest
Rest in peace and in shards may
Adventure be yours and may Time
Which has marked your life-long
Mark your death with a sigh in the
Winds and the waves mark your life
With a whisper of song
May I always see Life in the fall of each leaf
Which like you is a mirror to my own
I'll sing my Sea songs on my own
I'll know they're my passage back home....
Repeat entire first verse....
Leaves going out to the Ocean
Mixing their souls with the sand
Tasting of salt and the deep winds
Spreading their lives on the strands
Showing their colors the greens and the golds
Yellows and reds all the best
While dying denying the cost and the hope
With the Sea as their last place to rest
Rest in peace and in shards may
Adventure be yours and may Time
Which has marked your life-long
Mark your death with a sigh in the
Winds and the waves mark your life
With a whisper of song
May I always see Life in the fall of each leaf
Which like you is a mirror to my own
I'll sing my Sea songs on my own
I'll know they're my passage back home....
Repeat entire first verse....
8/14/12
THE ARCH OVER THIS SEA is a little Poem...inspired by a painting of a Sea Arch...I am very, very fond of Sea Arches on this West Coast!
THE ARCH OVER THIS SEA
The Arch over this Sea
Pleases me
Stretch your back, Stone
Protect me within your
Arc of Strong and Might
Over my little boat
Over my little boat
The Sea is tugging at you
You will fall
It will take time
I have Time
I'll wait here
Go out
On the Tide
The Arch over this Sea
Pleases me
Stretch your back, Stone
Protect me within your
Arc of Strong and Might
Over my little boat
Over my little boat
The Sea is tugging at you
You will fall
It will take time
I have Time
I'll wait here
Go out
On the Tide
8/11/12
THAT SECOND HUSBAND is a story about raising some one else's kids with them as the Second Husband...how you can gain a Family and lose a Wife by being Fairly Perfect in this imperfect world...it's not best, perhaps.....
THAT SECOND HUSBAND
There are people who come into another's life to be the Help You Need To Go On and they stay for years maybe and are beloved with a gratitude that is not appreciated because it falls so far from Love. It's love as duty: the love when you're so thankful you can hardly breathe with the hope and relief. and the affection is terrific. and not being alone. and having someone who'll help all the time and do it your way with your kids. it's a blessed miracle is what it is...there's nothin' quite like it. So was her second marriage. It was a wonderful second marriage. and it was doomed from the start to end when the kids left the nest, wings flappin' away. it had been a war, but it was a good war. and they had won. she and him. they had won the war together: the Raising of the Teenagers. The Peace would be Something Else Again.
He was a Good Man of course, and very, very bright. an Intellectual. he had a Masters Degree. he knew more than she did about Academic Matters. in every way. he was well read. they read together all the time. sometimes they sang together. she would have liked to sing more. but he didn't. in regards to the kids, they did mostly what she wanted to be done. in regard to the monies and the management of the house and so on: they mainly did what he wanted. it worked out pretty well for over seven years.
The kids were very hard to raise as teenagers. they were very fiesty kids and stubborn and also a bit sneaky. and very sexual. and good people. but not easy to raise. not at all. they had music and sports and dates and stuff to do. it took up all of their time and all of her and her second husband's time. work and the kids. that was it - day after day. they were all very close. but very intense. it was hard. so hard. and it got out of control. even tho they were so consistent and constant in the kids' lives. People growing up will push into their own paths in the world and head off in unknown directions. that is often the way...the oldest graduated from college and had a baby as a single parent...even then, she knew what she wanted to do, and that is what she did. over time that all worked out. the youngest one finished highschool well and then he went off to become a Karate teacher, and soon, to own his own School. He was very Intense. it was the middle daughter who pulled their lives this way and that.
The middle daughter did drugs and had two babies between leaving after highschool graduation and being nineteen. there were seven years of difficult, difficult times. she and he worked hard to keep a regular life going while working with her days after days of trials and trails into places that were Not Good. when she came through her Dark Ages much was much bettter. but the War had taken its toll. to put it mildly. everything was the way it is after a very damaging War. won. but not finished. too much to rebuild. much hard work yet to be done. much. much. they were exhausted. everyone was. yet everyday life must be done. everything has to go on for everyone else as well. work to be done. they looked at eachother: these comrades at arms. they had been so close during the war. who were they now?
They had always gone up to the Country: to his land with redwoods and the stream where the raised apple trees. it was their only times away. it was always lovely to be there...close to the sea and the forests and the rivers and the streams. a Peace of a place to be. now even that was not enough. it was a fragile Peace. they were different people now. really Different People. especially her. there were no songs or dances or books or country-side or gardens or times of love-making that could change that. she was no longer real with him. and he had never asked her enough about her outer world - much less her inner world...he know so little about her. well then, she know so little about her own self. she was learning though.
They separated...still in the same home...he started dating, and would talk with her about it. as usual. he had always expected her to listen to all his work stories and relationship stories. she listened. as usual. she was dancing in a Folk Dance Group. one of the dancers was beginning to be a closer friend. they were separating more. finally, he moved out. everyone blamed her for the 'break-up'. because he was the Perfect Man. she called him 'Saint' herself. she took responsiblity for it all. after all, he had Not been Bad to her in any way. not at all. he had just not known her at all. or tried to, really. not in a Bad Way, tho....for all the rest of their years, he would never understand her or her ways or her writing or her song. he didn't like her really. but he would rarely say so. inside, he would always know she was right: they did Not Belong Together. but: they had finished raising the 'Kids' together. That was the Good Thing they had done.
The 'Kids' grew up to be Great People: Creative. stubborn. Intense. just as they had been. also: responsible. good-hearted. opinionated too. bossy. but Good to others and to their own Children. Good Folk. this had been her work with her second husband. and he had come through. for which...she would always be grateful.
No one want Grateful the way they want Love. that is often the end of a marriage of otherwise Good Folk who divorce tho. they are grateful for the good times and the good ways of the other. they are angry for the parts that went 'wrong'. parts go 'wrong'. sometimes couples make it through those times. some times: they do not.
Love is so multi-facited. a rare gem with common ways that please and then do not. it's all in the turning in the light. and then there is Peace. Peace after any war...it's something else again. The second husband has a good woman who loves him as he is now. and he loves her as she is. no further expectations. expectations are something else again as well. so life goes on to death with memories. hers are Good about the second husband. he was a good man who helped her raise her kids for ten years. she herself went on to other loves and other times...they are much older now. she and her second husband... so it goes. few will remember. so I told this little story....
There are people who come into another's life to be the Help You Need To Go On and they stay for years maybe and are beloved with a gratitude that is not appreciated because it falls so far from Love. It's love as duty: the love when you're so thankful you can hardly breathe with the hope and relief. and the affection is terrific. and not being alone. and having someone who'll help all the time and do it your way with your kids. it's a blessed miracle is what it is...there's nothin' quite like it. So was her second marriage. It was a wonderful second marriage. and it was doomed from the start to end when the kids left the nest, wings flappin' away. it had been a war, but it was a good war. and they had won. she and him. they had won the war together: the Raising of the Teenagers. The Peace would be Something Else Again.
He was a Good Man of course, and very, very bright. an Intellectual. he had a Masters Degree. he knew more than she did about Academic Matters. in every way. he was well read. they read together all the time. sometimes they sang together. she would have liked to sing more. but he didn't. in regards to the kids, they did mostly what she wanted to be done. in regard to the monies and the management of the house and so on: they mainly did what he wanted. it worked out pretty well for over seven years.
The kids were very hard to raise as teenagers. they were very fiesty kids and stubborn and also a bit sneaky. and very sexual. and good people. but not easy to raise. not at all. they had music and sports and dates and stuff to do. it took up all of their time and all of her and her second husband's time. work and the kids. that was it - day after day. they were all very close. but very intense. it was hard. so hard. and it got out of control. even tho they were so consistent and constant in the kids' lives. People growing up will push into their own paths in the world and head off in unknown directions. that is often the way...the oldest graduated from college and had a baby as a single parent...even then, she knew what she wanted to do, and that is what she did. over time that all worked out. the youngest one finished highschool well and then he went off to become a Karate teacher, and soon, to own his own School. He was very Intense. it was the middle daughter who pulled their lives this way and that.
The middle daughter did drugs and had two babies between leaving after highschool graduation and being nineteen. there were seven years of difficult, difficult times. she and he worked hard to keep a regular life going while working with her days after days of trials and trails into places that were Not Good. when she came through her Dark Ages much was much bettter. but the War had taken its toll. to put it mildly. everything was the way it is after a very damaging War. won. but not finished. too much to rebuild. much hard work yet to be done. much. much. they were exhausted. everyone was. yet everyday life must be done. everything has to go on for everyone else as well. work to be done. they looked at eachother: these comrades at arms. they had been so close during the war. who were they now?
They had always gone up to the Country: to his land with redwoods and the stream where the raised apple trees. it was their only times away. it was always lovely to be there...close to the sea and the forests and the rivers and the streams. a Peace of a place to be. now even that was not enough. it was a fragile Peace. they were different people now. really Different People. especially her. there were no songs or dances or books or country-side or gardens or times of love-making that could change that. she was no longer real with him. and he had never asked her enough about her outer world - much less her inner world...he know so little about her. well then, she know so little about her own self. she was learning though.
They separated...still in the same home...he started dating, and would talk with her about it. as usual. he had always expected her to listen to all his work stories and relationship stories. she listened. as usual. she was dancing in a Folk Dance Group. one of the dancers was beginning to be a closer friend. they were separating more. finally, he moved out. everyone blamed her for the 'break-up'. because he was the Perfect Man. she called him 'Saint' herself. she took responsiblity for it all. after all, he had Not been Bad to her in any way. not at all. he had just not known her at all. or tried to, really. not in a Bad Way, tho....for all the rest of their years, he would never understand her or her ways or her writing or her song. he didn't like her really. but he would rarely say so. inside, he would always know she was right: they did Not Belong Together. but: they had finished raising the 'Kids' together. That was the Good Thing they had done.
The 'Kids' grew up to be Great People: Creative. stubborn. Intense. just as they had been. also: responsible. good-hearted. opinionated too. bossy. but Good to others and to their own Children. Good Folk. this had been her work with her second husband. and he had come through. for which...she would always be grateful.
No one want Grateful the way they want Love. that is often the end of a marriage of otherwise Good Folk who divorce tho. they are grateful for the good times and the good ways of the other. they are angry for the parts that went 'wrong'. parts go 'wrong'. sometimes couples make it through those times. some times: they do not.
Love is so multi-facited. a rare gem with common ways that please and then do not. it's all in the turning in the light. and then there is Peace. Peace after any war...it's something else again. The second husband has a good woman who loves him as he is now. and he loves her as she is. no further expectations. expectations are something else again as well. so life goes on to death with memories. hers are Good about the second husband. he was a good man who helped her raise her kids for ten years. she herself went on to other loves and other times...they are much older now. she and her second husband... so it goes. few will remember. so I told this little story....
WOODY SONG is Lyrics of a Woody Guthrie sort of song, since it's his Honor Year and all....
WOODY SONG
Lately been closer to Heaven
Lately been farther from Hell
Gonna plants Roots a bit firmer
Like this old Earth here quite well
Been almost poor but not really
Been rich in friends and in Love
Ain't had quite all that I wanted
But I have got to say: had Enough
Know that I'm not a Great Woman
Still I do the best that I can
For each Creature that passes my doorway
Each Woman and Child and each Man
Lately we're thinkin' about movin'
Up to the Mountains above
To be close to the Clouds and the deep Winds
Far from the Ocean I love
I'll just have to travel the highways
To get to those Shores now and then
To stand in the Waves and be taken
In by that Sea like a Friend
And then I'll come back to those high Hills
I'll sing my New Songs with the Best
An' lay my head down near my True Love's
An' lay all my Troubles to rest
Lately been closer to Heaven
Lately been farther from Hell
Gonna plant Roots a bit firmer
Like this old Earth here quite well
Like this dear Earth here quite well
Lately been closer to Heaven
Lately been farther from Hell
Gonna plants Roots a bit firmer
Like this old Earth here quite well
Been almost poor but not really
Been rich in friends and in Love
Ain't had quite all that I wanted
But I have got to say: had Enough
Know that I'm not a Great Woman
Still I do the best that I can
For each Creature that passes my doorway
Each Woman and Child and each Man
Lately we're thinkin' about movin'
Up to the Mountains above
To be close to the Clouds and the deep Winds
Far from the Ocean I love
I'll just have to travel the highways
To get to those Shores now and then
To stand in the Waves and be taken
In by that Sea like a Friend
And then I'll come back to those high Hills
I'll sing my New Songs with the Best
An' lay my head down near my True Love's
An' lay all my Troubles to rest
Lately been closer to Heaven
Lately been farther from Hell
Gonna plant Roots a bit firmer
Like this old Earth here quite well
Like this dear Earth here quite well
HOME AGAIN is a Poem of Sorts...on a wish and a wonder....
HOME AGAIN
We may be
Pioneers
In this New House...
Built as planned
Late seventies
When we were young
And I was here
And you were there
With three kids apiece
Reslessness in our bloods
Love to give and some to get
Long ago - it was so long ago...
Now
The Home
The Trees
The Lakes
The Mountains
Old New Songs
Being Sung
Old Love
Renewed
Home to Us
Is Any
Where
We
Are
We may be
Pioneers
In this New House...
Built as planned
Late seventies
When we were young
And I was here
And you were there
With three kids apiece
Reslessness in our bloods
Love to give and some to get
Long ago - it was so long ago...
Now
The Home
The Trees
The Lakes
The Mountains
Old New Songs
Being Sung
Old Love
Renewed
Home to Us
Is Any
Where
We
Are
8/5/12
ALAN is a fiction about a widow, who went on. It is true, but it is gone, to it is not 'true' besides....
ALAN
It is time to tell the story of Alan, the yound man who left me a widow...I am sorry every day that he is dead. you know, his face has faded in my memory. I only have one photo of him, and it's buried among the other albums...his story is short because his life was short. so here is his story...
Alan was born in Germany, tho one of his parents - I think it was his mom - was English as a kid. then she expatriated. I know nothing about her, tho she was talked about, I remember that. she had been "strict" and then she had been "lovely" and "very loving". she was very blond and looked like me, or so I was told. I may have seen a photo of her, but that's vague. maybe when she was younger, when her boy was younger, with his dad in the photo too. a very blond family, looking handsome. european, tho I can't tell you what made them look 'European', now. something about the way they stood up. a dignity, or a distance...hard to say....
He was their only child and he admits that he was 'spoiled'. he was given a great deal, but much was expected of him. he had to earn very high marks at school from the time he was very little. there was no other option offered about that goal! he could pick the other well, avocations, that he wanted to do, tho...he chose Music right from the beginning. Piano lessons and guitar lessons and singing lessons and fiddle lessons and french horn lessons. he was good at Music right from the beginning. he made-up little songs and instrumentals and thought about and hummed Music all day. he hummed his self to sleep at night. his dad - who was a Doctor - wanted him to be a Professional. he countered that he wanted to be a Music Professional. he was accepted in some University in Germany that majored in Musicology. and so he graduated. I know nothing else of those years...he was so darling. tall and handsome and played soccer - that is, football...a sport I knew nothing about. but his legs must have been strong. he was popular and was called the Music Man at his school. Girls must have liked him a great deal. he told me he dated, but "no one special". he was a loner, a bit...
Alan came to the United States to work with Song-writers in Chicago. he had a girlfriend, but she went back to Germany. she was homesick. he hadn't missed her.that's what he told me anyways...I met him at a house concert for a famous song-writer from California. he had asked me if I was a singer, and I told him I was, but only for my children. he had been very startled to find I had three kids. but, he kept talking with me as if I was interesting. I was so flattered. here he was, a young man who worked for one of my idols, who was so talented and popular- himself, a wonderful singer! he assisted in arranging for Folk Singers whose names and voices were golden for me! I was entirely smitten! other women were looking at me enviously. when I pointed out that he should be sharing his fine self with the other young ladies in the room he said, "I am only interested in talking with you, unless you are finding me boring!" no, of course I was not! but, I figured it out already: The Music was Everything for him. Music was his True Love for this Handsome Soul in his mid twenties...and I was a newly divorced mama of Three under the age of six - all on my own - working as an RN...carrying my kids in a big wagon to their DayCare/Kindergarden every work day. Music was his Life. They were my Life.
Then we found out something unusual: we had met before: when I was in Nursing School. He had been on a visit to the US as a Young Musicians Exchange Student. he had been on the Orthopedics Ward because he had a leg break - a bad one - from falling off his friend's motor bike. he had surgery and pins and a few weeks to recover on the ward...he played his guitar for all we student nurses, and he took a shine to me and I to him...tho he was younger than I - he was a Darling Kid....he thought I sounded like a famous Folk Singer of the time. I had been very happy to sing with him and joke. when he was discharged, he wrote me a poem....then he was gone... we were very happy suddenly. we remembered all of that time. we were full of memories of feelings that were very sweet. now it was eight or more years later, but we were still peoople who would understand the other...because of the strength of those encounters in that time....
He called or 'saw' me every day. we made Love and we made meals and we made Comfort between us...mainly he visited when my Kids were visiting their Dad. I was starteled that he genuinely seemed to care so much for me. he told me that I was most like his dream of what a woman would be who would love him - who he could love in return. he was the first to say that he 'loved' me. I felt 'love' right back, for he was exciting and young and kind and very smart and very, very full of Music and Talent and Hope. He would soon be going out to California, to work further with the Folk Stars. he made stars shine in my eyes...and he was genuine as well...I mean, everyone said how honest and good and kind and creative he was. everyone around him liked him. I was worried tho. because I was older with Kids. he was younger with a work visa.
When he asked me to 'marry' him, I laughed. I told him I wasn't that keen on getting a young lover into my home just to help him to stay in this country. to my surprise, he told me, with great seriousness, that this was not the reason. his visa was secure. he didn't want to stay in this country any longer than he would need...he wanted Family. he wanted a happy wife and the kids to come home for. he wanted his own family, but not needed: his own biological kids. he wanted older kids. not babies. he wanted my kindness. he wanted my love-making. he wanted the understanding. he wanted the Fun. he wanted my patience. my independence. my constancy of Touch. he wanted Me.
So we married. we didn't marry under US Law tho - not yet - we married in a ceremony without legal ties, yet. he wanted to wait until he was twenty-five, when he would come into Family money - around a quarter of a million dollars! this way, his parents would not interfere with his choices: of me, of the kids...of the kind of work he wanted to do...which would be more 'experimental' - not 'professional', as his dad wanted...we were very happy...very, very happy. as yet, no one knew much about us. no one knew we were this joined...this 'married'....please, o please, excuse all these funny ' ' ' ' marks...so many words carried weight. I tell of this weight. this way....
Alan died. he went to California. just weeks after we 'married'...we had not lived together. we had not finished tying our 'knot'. we didn't expect anything but a happy future. but the Great Folk Singer he had first worked for had died on Route One to Big Sur, back when we were younger... he had so admired him and missed him. he died as well. on Route One to Big Sur. Driven off the road by a car in the wrong lane. I learned about all this from his mother and father. they had come right away from Germany. they were going to take his body back to Germany. they were confused as to our relationship, but pictures of me and the kids had been found in his wallet. and my phone number. they assumed we were close? yes, I told them we were close. I told them our story. they were sympathetic over the phone. they were not helpful. they were taking him home. they were sorry. it was best we not meet. after all, his body was destroyed. it was all over.
I did not tell anyone about Alan for years and years and years. I kept him with a little light in my heart. with my one photo of him. with my few gifts from him in a box. with the ring put away... that was all. I buried him in my heart, close to the place where my 'first love' was buried. in a place where love had been and might have gone on, but did not....now, I'm old, and I tell this story. it isn't much, but it is mine. it has its own truth. its own emotions. its own psychologies. it goes no farther than that. Lives cross. they uncross. Life itself goes on and on. so does Death. both take and give on this planet. Alan gave, mainly he gave. he fades, but not much. he lives in me. I'll die. then he'll be gone. it's always the way.
Love is all we have. every one of us knows that. I suppose there is not much more to say...and so, the end.
It is time to tell the story of Alan, the yound man who left me a widow...I am sorry every day that he is dead. you know, his face has faded in my memory. I only have one photo of him, and it's buried among the other albums...his story is short because his life was short. so here is his story...
Alan was born in Germany, tho one of his parents - I think it was his mom - was English as a kid. then she expatriated. I know nothing about her, tho she was talked about, I remember that. she had been "strict" and then she had been "lovely" and "very loving". she was very blond and looked like me, or so I was told. I may have seen a photo of her, but that's vague. maybe when she was younger, when her boy was younger, with his dad in the photo too. a very blond family, looking handsome. european, tho I can't tell you what made them look 'European', now. something about the way they stood up. a dignity, or a distance...hard to say....
He was their only child and he admits that he was 'spoiled'. he was given a great deal, but much was expected of him. he had to earn very high marks at school from the time he was very little. there was no other option offered about that goal! he could pick the other well, avocations, that he wanted to do, tho...he chose Music right from the beginning. Piano lessons and guitar lessons and singing lessons and fiddle lessons and french horn lessons. he was good at Music right from the beginning. he made-up little songs and instrumentals and thought about and hummed Music all day. he hummed his self to sleep at night. his dad - who was a Doctor - wanted him to be a Professional. he countered that he wanted to be a Music Professional. he was accepted in some University in Germany that majored in Musicology. and so he graduated. I know nothing else of those years...he was so darling. tall and handsome and played soccer - that is, football...a sport I knew nothing about. but his legs must have been strong. he was popular and was called the Music Man at his school. Girls must have liked him a great deal. he told me he dated, but "no one special". he was a loner, a bit...
Alan came to the United States to work with Song-writers in Chicago. he had a girlfriend, but she went back to Germany. she was homesick. he hadn't missed her.that's what he told me anyways...I met him at a house concert for a famous song-writer from California. he had asked me if I was a singer, and I told him I was, but only for my children. he had been very startled to find I had three kids. but, he kept talking with me as if I was interesting. I was so flattered. here he was, a young man who worked for one of my idols, who was so talented and popular- himself, a wonderful singer! he assisted in arranging for Folk Singers whose names and voices were golden for me! I was entirely smitten! other women were looking at me enviously. when I pointed out that he should be sharing his fine self with the other young ladies in the room he said, "I am only interested in talking with you, unless you are finding me boring!" no, of course I was not! but, I figured it out already: The Music was Everything for him. Music was his True Love for this Handsome Soul in his mid twenties...and I was a newly divorced mama of Three under the age of six - all on my own - working as an RN...carrying my kids in a big wagon to their DayCare/Kindergarden every work day. Music was his Life. They were my Life.
Then we found out something unusual: we had met before: when I was in Nursing School. He had been on a visit to the US as a Young Musicians Exchange Student. he had been on the Orthopedics Ward because he had a leg break - a bad one - from falling off his friend's motor bike. he had surgery and pins and a few weeks to recover on the ward...he played his guitar for all we student nurses, and he took a shine to me and I to him...tho he was younger than I - he was a Darling Kid....he thought I sounded like a famous Folk Singer of the time. I had been very happy to sing with him and joke. when he was discharged, he wrote me a poem....then he was gone... we were very happy suddenly. we remembered all of that time. we were full of memories of feelings that were very sweet. now it was eight or more years later, but we were still peoople who would understand the other...because of the strength of those encounters in that time....
He called or 'saw' me every day. we made Love and we made meals and we made Comfort between us...mainly he visited when my Kids were visiting their Dad. I was starteled that he genuinely seemed to care so much for me. he told me that I was most like his dream of what a woman would be who would love him - who he could love in return. he was the first to say that he 'loved' me. I felt 'love' right back, for he was exciting and young and kind and very smart and very, very full of Music and Talent and Hope. He would soon be going out to California, to work further with the Folk Stars. he made stars shine in my eyes...and he was genuine as well...I mean, everyone said how honest and good and kind and creative he was. everyone around him liked him. I was worried tho. because I was older with Kids. he was younger with a work visa.
When he asked me to 'marry' him, I laughed. I told him I wasn't that keen on getting a young lover into my home just to help him to stay in this country. to my surprise, he told me, with great seriousness, that this was not the reason. his visa was secure. he didn't want to stay in this country any longer than he would need...he wanted Family. he wanted a happy wife and the kids to come home for. he wanted his own family, but not needed: his own biological kids. he wanted older kids. not babies. he wanted my kindness. he wanted my love-making. he wanted the understanding. he wanted the Fun. he wanted my patience. my independence. my constancy of Touch. he wanted Me.
So we married. we didn't marry under US Law tho - not yet - we married in a ceremony without legal ties, yet. he wanted to wait until he was twenty-five, when he would come into Family money - around a quarter of a million dollars! this way, his parents would not interfere with his choices: of me, of the kids...of the kind of work he wanted to do...which would be more 'experimental' - not 'professional', as his dad wanted...we were very happy...very, very happy. as yet, no one knew much about us. no one knew we were this joined...this 'married'....please, o please, excuse all these funny ' ' ' ' marks...so many words carried weight. I tell of this weight. this way....
Alan died. he went to California. just weeks after we 'married'...we had not lived together. we had not finished tying our 'knot'. we didn't expect anything but a happy future. but the Great Folk Singer he had first worked for had died on Route One to Big Sur, back when we were younger... he had so admired him and missed him. he died as well. on Route One to Big Sur. Driven off the road by a car in the wrong lane. I learned about all this from his mother and father. they had come right away from Germany. they were going to take his body back to Germany. they were confused as to our relationship, but pictures of me and the kids had been found in his wallet. and my phone number. they assumed we were close? yes, I told them we were close. I told them our story. they were sympathetic over the phone. they were not helpful. they were taking him home. they were sorry. it was best we not meet. after all, his body was destroyed. it was all over.
I did not tell anyone about Alan for years and years and years. I kept him with a little light in my heart. with my one photo of him. with my few gifts from him in a box. with the ring put away... that was all. I buried him in my heart, close to the place where my 'first love' was buried. in a place where love had been and might have gone on, but did not....now, I'm old, and I tell this story. it isn't much, but it is mine. it has its own truth. its own emotions. its own psychologies. it goes no farther than that. Lives cross. they uncross. Life itself goes on and on. so does Death. both take and give on this planet. Alan gave, mainly he gave. he fades, but not much. he lives in me. I'll die. then he'll be gone. it's always the way.
Love is all we have. every one of us knows that. I suppose there is not much more to say...and so, the end.
8/1/12
LETTING GO is a Poem about Giving and Giving....
LETTING GO
Let it go a little
Be kind inside
Let every cell tell its own story
Let every cell bring its own food its own drink
Let us be kinspeople
Let us tell our stories together
Bring us kindness again
Mercy even
Full Compassion
Let Life persuade
Let Death wait a moment
We have Loving
To Do
Let it go a little
Be kind inside
Let every cell tell its own story
Let every cell bring its own food its own drink
Let us be kinspeople
Let us tell our stories together
Bring us kindness again
Mercy even
Full Compassion
Let Life persuade
Let Death wait a moment
We have Loving
To Do
EGON. I HARDLY KNEW YOU is a short story: it's relationship: the Beginning...the Middle...the End - as relationships often begin and build and grow and die for many...an old and simple story....
EGON, I HARDLY KNEW YOU
Egon was a wonderful dancer, first thing...and then, he had bid for a dance with her at the raffle at the Folk Dance Group and that was a fine thing. She was thin at the time and was learning to dance. So it was fun to dance with him. and he told a great story too. The story was about how he once had been in Italy. He had been ten years old and was in the Scouts in Austria. His family had fled there from a small Slovanian Enclave of Germans during the Second World War. It was just Scouts - not a Brown Shirt or Pioneer thing or anything like that. Their Scout Leader had stood them all up on the border betweeen the two countries and then told them to pee into Italy. So they did. She found that very funny at the time...he was a Great Leader as a dancer. So he made her look Great as well. He had a lot of Friends at the Festival they were at. His art decorated the walls. He was popular with all these peiople she didn't know. So. She was very flattered. And happy to dance. Very Happy. He would be a good friend.
She told her husband about him, at home. They were seperated at the time, but he was still living at home and sleeping on the couch. She liked sleeping in their bed - now Her Bed - by herself. It was a fine thing not to have someone making her turn over and over all night, to stop her snoring. which didn't much work anyways...also, to stretch out. She was getting used to sleeping alone for the first time in years and years. it felt good - really, in an odd way....she and her soon-to-be ex-husbnd were being very civil. he was already dating, and told her about his dates. it was kind-of strange, but not much. he had always talked alot about himself their whole marriage. she knew much about his life. she wasn't sure what he knew about her at all. in her experience, men -generally, she thought - didn't know much about the women they were with. they told themselves stories about what their women were like...but they didn't always match who the women really were inside - sometimes, not even 'outside'...that was sure true for her. Her first husband didn't know her at all. Nothing. really Nothing. This husband now was a Good Man - but he too, knew Nothing about her. She felt pretty alone about that. but not lonely. just alone in her own views and thoughts and experiences. which was OK. So, he listened to her experiences at the Dance, but didn't care. since he didn't really hear her....
She kept dancing. no one minded at home. or anywhere else really. her ex moved out. really horrible roomates moved in for awhile. they were very neurotic and dirty and they brought the worst out of her, too. so she took in her daughter, who needed housing, and got rid of them, finally. while they were there, she started inviting him over for dinner and a hot tub. then they started sleeping together. it was all really comfortable and exciting at the same time. it was very nice and very different. He was a dancer of Swing and Cajun and Ballroom and Folk... and belonged to an Alpine Club that went hiking and did a lot of Dancing and singing and having dinners together and owning a big chalet on the side of a mountain in the area and another high in the mountains to the East, where they'd go to ski and have fun together. this was all a Lot of Fun! after the horrible couple moved out, and her daughter moved in, then her ex wanted to move in too, to get the house ready to put-up for sale...so she moved out with Egon. This was all very exciting....
She moved into his beautiful home in the hills with its respectable and lovely gardens and decors and woods and so on. They had parties together. A Cajun Food and Dance Party. A Country and Western Dance and Song Party...lots of people over for dinner. he had many friends with lots of music talent. they danced and sang with people at all sorts of events. They formed a Song Group to sing Irish for the Irish Party and to sing Hawaiian for the Hawaiian Party. To sing Alpine Songs - some in German - for the Festivals. They all practiced in his lovely big home. She was Very Happy. this was a fine contact inside with her Roots too...because her mom's family was from Bavaria. She bought derndles and started to play the German Concertina...she became a Good Cook. she was sure he understood her well, tho he didn't listen much to her stories and so on. but she was used to that anyways. so she didn't worry about it....
They made love often and at the Fireplace Fire in the living room, too, and were creative in this way and enjoyed each other. They both thought they had finally met 'The One'...somewhat without great fanfare, they were engaged to be married...they both even had jobs teaching at the same private school. He taught Art there part-time...she taught full-time - social studies and english classes and such. It was good work at a good school...so even their work was happy.
Then they started having a few troubles. for one, Egon had open heart surgery to have lots of bypasses. that was hard. he got a little more neurotic after that...pretty progressively...he had a prostate surgery too...both times got him down and he started acting strange...he had always had phobias about crossing bridges and going certain places at certain times. now he got really strange about fears and phobias in a couple of dozen ways...he also ended all their nice sex together and wouldn't even let her kiss him goodnight at night. he called it his post-cardiac psychosis and it sort-of was, really...he had quit working as an Art Teacher in a local Highschool and then quit working at the private school too...which he blammed on her. he said she had set the students up not to want to work with him. so he was getting a little paranoid, too...he kept worrying that they had lived together for almost seven years, so she might try to have a common law marriage decreed to get his money. she was very, very sad now, because he was being so weird. all the happy years together - which had been around seven years total - were now over. he was hinting that she should move out. He wasn't her Egon any more. no more fun stories and dances and songs and sex and, yes, Love. all gone. for good.
She met another guy. This guy fell in love with her very fast. he had a Lot of Problems...but he was also a very good and intelligent and loving person as well. he and she slept together and then they fell in love, as they say. she had been missing sex a whole lot and even missing affection much more than that. he had both for her. and a nice home he owned with a friend up in the mountains. a log cabin. he offered that she could move in with him. he was renting from a friend. she moved in with him...in just a short time, Egon told everyone that she had run out on him, tho he loved her deeply. actually, somehow, he Did Love Her again. it was like a conversion reaction. really neurotic and strange. he wanted her back. it was very upsetting. she couldn't trust him not to go back into his neurotic ways, so she couldn't come back. as it was, he would wind-up stalking her for a few years more - which was not unusual. he had stalked both his old girlfriend and his exwife for years. it was a habit with him... finally, he stopped and got himself another girlfriend. once again, his phobias faded for awhile, as he now, again, had a Love-of-his-life at home....
Around five years later, she heard from a friend that Egon had died of a heart attack while washing the dishes. his lady friend had been at home, but could not save him. His mother had died of a heart attack while washing the dishes, and he had been there and had not been able to save her. So. that was a strange thing as well. life can go like that at times...
Egon had been a great artist and a creative person and had been very smart about politics. in his olden days he had been a fine athelete too - in soccer and on skis...he had been a hiker and a great teacher and a good husband and dad and a good friend to many. he had been good to her for seven years too. so she had no regrets having known him. they had danced and sang and had many good times together for a long time. that is a good thing. no regrets. life went on and death went on. this is the way it is. this was the way it was with her and with Egon.
Egon was a wonderful dancer, first thing...and then, he had bid for a dance with her at the raffle at the Folk Dance Group and that was a fine thing. She was thin at the time and was learning to dance. So it was fun to dance with him. and he told a great story too. The story was about how he once had been in Italy. He had been ten years old and was in the Scouts in Austria. His family had fled there from a small Slovanian Enclave of Germans during the Second World War. It was just Scouts - not a Brown Shirt or Pioneer thing or anything like that. Their Scout Leader had stood them all up on the border betweeen the two countries and then told them to pee into Italy. So they did. She found that very funny at the time...he was a Great Leader as a dancer. So he made her look Great as well. He had a lot of Friends at the Festival they were at. His art decorated the walls. He was popular with all these peiople she didn't know. So. She was very flattered. And happy to dance. Very Happy. He would be a good friend.
She told her husband about him, at home. They were seperated at the time, but he was still living at home and sleeping on the couch. She liked sleeping in their bed - now Her Bed - by herself. It was a fine thing not to have someone making her turn over and over all night, to stop her snoring. which didn't much work anyways...also, to stretch out. She was getting used to sleeping alone for the first time in years and years. it felt good - really, in an odd way....she and her soon-to-be ex-husbnd were being very civil. he was already dating, and told her about his dates. it was kind-of strange, but not much. he had always talked alot about himself their whole marriage. she knew much about his life. she wasn't sure what he knew about her at all. in her experience, men -generally, she thought - didn't know much about the women they were with. they told themselves stories about what their women were like...but they didn't always match who the women really were inside - sometimes, not even 'outside'...that was sure true for her. Her first husband didn't know her at all. Nothing. really Nothing. This husband now was a Good Man - but he too, knew Nothing about her. She felt pretty alone about that. but not lonely. just alone in her own views and thoughts and experiences. which was OK. So, he listened to her experiences at the Dance, but didn't care. since he didn't really hear her....
She kept dancing. no one minded at home. or anywhere else really. her ex moved out. really horrible roomates moved in for awhile. they were very neurotic and dirty and they brought the worst out of her, too. so she took in her daughter, who needed housing, and got rid of them, finally. while they were there, she started inviting him over for dinner and a hot tub. then they started sleeping together. it was all really comfortable and exciting at the same time. it was very nice and very different. He was a dancer of Swing and Cajun and Ballroom and Folk... and belonged to an Alpine Club that went hiking and did a lot of Dancing and singing and having dinners together and owning a big chalet on the side of a mountain in the area and another high in the mountains to the East, where they'd go to ski and have fun together. this was all a Lot of Fun! after the horrible couple moved out, and her daughter moved in, then her ex wanted to move in too, to get the house ready to put-up for sale...so she moved out with Egon. This was all very exciting....
She moved into his beautiful home in the hills with its respectable and lovely gardens and decors and woods and so on. They had parties together. A Cajun Food and Dance Party. A Country and Western Dance and Song Party...lots of people over for dinner. he had many friends with lots of music talent. they danced and sang with people at all sorts of events. They formed a Song Group to sing Irish for the Irish Party and to sing Hawaiian for the Hawaiian Party. To sing Alpine Songs - some in German - for the Festivals. They all practiced in his lovely big home. She was Very Happy. this was a fine contact inside with her Roots too...because her mom's family was from Bavaria. She bought derndles and started to play the German Concertina...she became a Good Cook. she was sure he understood her well, tho he didn't listen much to her stories and so on. but she was used to that anyways. so she didn't worry about it....
They made love often and at the Fireplace Fire in the living room, too, and were creative in this way and enjoyed each other. They both thought they had finally met 'The One'...somewhat without great fanfare, they were engaged to be married...they both even had jobs teaching at the same private school. He taught Art there part-time...she taught full-time - social studies and english classes and such. It was good work at a good school...so even their work was happy.
Then they started having a few troubles. for one, Egon had open heart surgery to have lots of bypasses. that was hard. he got a little more neurotic after that...pretty progressively...he had a prostate surgery too...both times got him down and he started acting strange...he had always had phobias about crossing bridges and going certain places at certain times. now he got really strange about fears and phobias in a couple of dozen ways...he also ended all their nice sex together and wouldn't even let her kiss him goodnight at night. he called it his post-cardiac psychosis and it sort-of was, really...he had quit working as an Art Teacher in a local Highschool and then quit working at the private school too...which he blammed on her. he said she had set the students up not to want to work with him. so he was getting a little paranoid, too...he kept worrying that they had lived together for almost seven years, so she might try to have a common law marriage decreed to get his money. she was very, very sad now, because he was being so weird. all the happy years together - which had been around seven years total - were now over. he was hinting that she should move out. He wasn't her Egon any more. no more fun stories and dances and songs and sex and, yes, Love. all gone. for good.
She met another guy. This guy fell in love with her very fast. he had a Lot of Problems...but he was also a very good and intelligent and loving person as well. he and she slept together and then they fell in love, as they say. she had been missing sex a whole lot and even missing affection much more than that. he had both for her. and a nice home he owned with a friend up in the mountains. a log cabin. he offered that she could move in with him. he was renting from a friend. she moved in with him...in just a short time, Egon told everyone that she had run out on him, tho he loved her deeply. actually, somehow, he Did Love Her again. it was like a conversion reaction. really neurotic and strange. he wanted her back. it was very upsetting. she couldn't trust him not to go back into his neurotic ways, so she couldn't come back. as it was, he would wind-up stalking her for a few years more - which was not unusual. he had stalked both his old girlfriend and his exwife for years. it was a habit with him... finally, he stopped and got himself another girlfriend. once again, his phobias faded for awhile, as he now, again, had a Love-of-his-life at home....
Around five years later, she heard from a friend that Egon had died of a heart attack while washing the dishes. his lady friend had been at home, but could not save him. His mother had died of a heart attack while washing the dishes, and he had been there and had not been able to save her. So. that was a strange thing as well. life can go like that at times...
Egon had been a great artist and a creative person and had been very smart about politics. in his olden days he had been a fine athelete too - in soccer and on skis...he had been a hiker and a great teacher and a good husband and dad and a good friend to many. he had been good to her for seven years too. so she had no regrets having known him. they had danced and sang and had many good times together for a long time. that is a good thing. no regrets. life went on and death went on. this is the way it is. this was the way it was with her and with Egon.
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