ALAN is a fiction about a widow, who went on. It is true, but it is gone, to it is not 'true' besides....

ALAN

It is time to tell the story of Alan, the yound man who left me a widow...I am sorry every day that he is dead. you know, his face has faded in my memory. I only have one photo of him, and it's buried among the other albums...his story is short because his life was short. so here is his story...

Alan was born in Germany, tho one of his parents - I think it was his mom - was English as a kid. then she expatriated. I know nothing about her, tho she was talked about, I remember that. she had been "strict" and then she had been "lovely" and "very loving". she was very blond and looked like me, or so I was told. I may have seen a photo of her, but that's vague. maybe when she was younger, when her boy was younger, with his dad in the photo too. a very blond family, looking handsome. european, tho I can't tell you what made them look 'European', now. something about the way they stood up. a dignity, or a distance...hard to say....

He was their only child and he admits that he was 'spoiled'. he was given a great deal, but much was expected of him. he had to earn very high marks at school from the time he was very little. there was no other option offered about that goal! he could pick the other well, avocations, that he wanted to do, tho...he chose Music right from the beginning. Piano lessons and guitar lessons and singing lessons and fiddle lessons and french horn lessons. he was good at Music right from the beginning. he made-up little songs and instrumentals and thought about and hummed Music all day. he hummed his self to sleep at night. his dad - who was a Doctor - wanted him to be a Professional. he countered that he wanted to be a Music Professional. he was accepted in some University in Germany that majored in Musicology. and so he graduated. I know nothing else of those years...he was so darling. tall and handsome and played soccer - that is, football...a sport I knew nothing about. but his legs must have been strong. he was popular and was called the Music Man at his school. Girls must have liked him a great deal. he told me he dated, but "no one special". he was a loner, a bit...

Alan came to the United States to work with Song-writers in Chicago. he had a girlfriend, but she went back to Germany. she was homesick. he hadn't missed her.that's what he told me anyways...I met him at a house concert for a famous song-writer from California. he had asked me if I was a singer, and I told him I was, but only for my children. he had been very startled to find I had three kids. but, he kept talking with me as if I was interesting. I was so flattered. here he was, a young man who worked for one of my idols, who was so talented and popular- himself, a wonderful singer! he assisted in arranging for Folk Singers whose names and voices were golden for me! I was entirely smitten! other women were looking at me enviously. when I pointed out that he should be sharing his fine self with the other young ladies in the room he said, "I am only interested in talking with you, unless you are finding me boring!" no, of course I was not! but, I figured it out already: The Music was Everything for him. Music was his True Love for this Handsome Soul in his mid twenties...and I was a newly divorced mama of Three under the age of six - all on my own - working as an RN...carrying my kids in a big wagon to their DayCare/Kindergarden every work day. Music was his Life. They were my Life.

Then we found out something unusual: we had met before: when I was in Nursing School. He had been on a visit to the US as a Young Musicians Exchange Student. he had been on the Orthopedics Ward because he had a leg break - a bad one - from falling off his friend's motor bike. he had surgery and pins and a few weeks to recover on the ward...he played his guitar for all we student nurses, and he took a shine to me and I to him...tho he was younger than I - he was a Darling Kid....he thought I sounded like a famous Folk Singer of the time. I had been very happy to sing with him and joke. when he was discharged, he wrote me a poem....then he was gone... we were very happy suddenly. we remembered all of that time. we were full of memories of feelings that were very sweet. now it was eight or more years later, but we were still peoople who would understand the other...because of the strength of those encounters in that time....

He called or 'saw' me every day. we made Love and we made meals and we made Comfort between us...mainly he visited when my Kids were visiting their Dad. I was starteled that he genuinely seemed to care so much for me. he told me that I was most like his dream of what a woman would be who would love him - who he could love in return. he was the first to say that he 'loved' me. I felt 'love' right back, for he was exciting and young and kind and very smart and very, very full of Music and Talent and Hope. He would soon be going out to California, to work further with the Folk Stars. he made stars shine in my eyes...and he was genuine as well...I mean, everyone said how honest and good and kind and creative he was. everyone around him liked him. I was worried tho. because I was older with Kids. he was younger with a work visa.

When he asked me to 'marry' him, I laughed. I told him I wasn't that keen on getting a young lover into my home just to help him to stay in this country. to my surprise, he told me, with great seriousness, that this was not the reason. his visa was secure. he didn't want to stay in this country any longer than he would need...he wanted Family. he wanted a happy wife and the kids to come home for. he wanted his own family, but not needed: his own biological kids. he wanted older kids. not babies. he wanted my kindness. he wanted my love-making. he wanted the understanding. he wanted the Fun. he wanted my patience. my independence. my constancy of Touch. he wanted Me.

So we married. we didn't marry under US Law tho - not yet - we married in a ceremony without legal ties, yet. he wanted to wait until he was twenty-five, when he would come into Family money - around a quarter of a million dollars! this way, his parents would not interfere with his choices: of me, of the kids...of the kind of work he wanted to do...which would be more 'experimental' - not 'professional', as his dad wanted...we were very happy...very, very happy. as yet, no one knew much about us. no one knew we were this joined...this 'married'....please, o please, excuse all these funny ' ' ' ' marks...so many words carried weight. I tell of this weight. this way....

Alan died. he went to California. just weeks after we 'married'...we had not lived together. we had not finished tying our 'knot'. we didn't expect anything but a happy future. but the Great Folk Singer he had first worked for had died on Route One to Big Sur, back when we were younger... he had so admired him and missed him. he died as well. on Route One to Big Sur. Driven off the road by a car in the wrong lane. I learned about all this from his mother and father. they had come right away from Germany. they were going to take his body back to Germany. they were confused as to our relationship, but pictures of me and the kids had been found in his wallet. and my phone number. they assumed we were close? yes, I told them we were close. I told them our story. they were sympathetic over the phone. they were not helpful. they were taking him home. they were sorry. it was best we not meet. after all, his body was destroyed. it was all over.

I did not tell anyone about Alan for years and years and years. I kept him with a little light in my heart. with my one photo of him. with my few gifts from him in a box. with the ring put away... that was all. I buried him in my heart, close to the place where my 'first love' was buried. in a place where love had been and might have gone on, but did not....now, I'm old, and I tell this story. it isn't much, but it is mine. it has its own truth. its own emotions. its own psychologies. it goes no farther than that. Lives cross. they uncross. Life itself goes on and on. so does Death. both take and give on this planet. Alan gave, mainly he gave. he fades, but not much. he lives in me. I'll die. then he'll be gone. it's always the way.

Love is all we have. every one of us knows that. I suppose there is not much more to say...and so, the end.