COURAGE WEARS MANY FACES
Brave has it's face -
I've seen it's face...
The eyes that glow
And spark with grace...
But there are so many Faces
Of Courage in my memories....
Each has a Name -
Each has a Song -
I want to sing them
My whole Life long...
There are so many Faces
Of Courage in my memories....
One face holds
My Father's smile -
His voice still in me
All this while -
Each face is imprinted
By Courage in my memories....
My Mother nods
To each kind wave -
My Sister smiles
A Smile so brave...
Their sweet faces speak
Of Courage in my memories....
So many Faces over
All this time -
Just no turnin'-back
Their hearts - or mine:
There are so many faces
With Courage in my memories...
Courage wears so many
Faces in my memories...
In my memories....
3/31/12
COURAGE WEARS MANY FACES is the last of a Trilogy of Lyrics I wrote for all of our Singing Friend's dear Friend, Martha...one was written for the biblical story about 'Martha' - one was written as a Farewell for her dear and lost Sister - and this one she requested from a line from a Post she shared this very day: about there being so many Faces of Courage....
3/30/12
MAKIN' FUN is lyrics about the Good-Times-Guys who are cool and fun, really, just as they are...just don't take em too seriously...they ain't out ta marry you, Child...let em pass on by in your life...and just have some fun with em.....
MAKIN' FUN
CHORUS
You are always makin' Fun
So much Fun and so dang sweet:
Sweeps a woman off her feet
Into great memories -
Such darlin' memories...
Such pretty memories...
Of makin' Fun....
_________________
We were only makin Fun
When you kissed me on my lips -
Pouted, Teased, and swung your hips -
Your dancin' was Not Tame!
You so took me just like 'love'
When you laughed into my eyes -
It came as such a big surprise
When you said "I'll call ya"...
Didn't even know your name -
Got so weak upon these knees -
Wound up sayin' "o Yes, please!"
'Staid of sayin' "See ya!"....
Wasn't cool: you were so wild -
An' I was silly as a child -
Couldn't see past that dance floor
Into some sad tomorrow...
Where you would be only memories....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Even now that I am older
You come on so slick - much bolder
Than this graceless heart of mine
Can ever, never be...
You are just a Child of Fun -
Won't get close to any one...
As if I was ever one who'd change ya...
As if I was ever one to change ya....
_________________
Let's see what this mornin' brings
Life's a twinin', livin' thing -
I am seein' you more clear
Than I could when I was younger....
Ain't no harm in being you - ain't
No shame in bein' me -
It's just natural my sort would lose ya -
Got nothin' to hold ya - gonna lose ya...
Lose ya to some dream of memories....
_________________
CHORUS
_________________
So I spot ya makin fun -
Laughin' hard with everyone...
Makin' hay and love times
While the sun shines....
Yeah, I'm glad I ain't with you -
You can make a girl feel blue...
She jus' can't see straight enough
To see ya...and she's gotta see real good
To see ya...dancing somewheres in
Her memories...dancing someplace in
Her memories....
_________________
CHORUS
________________
CHORUS
You are always makin' Fun
So much Fun and so dang sweet:
Sweeps a woman off her feet
Into great memories -
Such darlin' memories...
Such pretty memories...
Of makin' Fun....
_________________
We were only makin Fun
When you kissed me on my lips -
Pouted, Teased, and swung your hips -
Your dancin' was Not Tame!
You so took me just like 'love'
When you laughed into my eyes -
It came as such a big surprise
When you said "I'll call ya"...
Didn't even know your name -
Got so weak upon these knees -
Wound up sayin' "o Yes, please!"
'Staid of sayin' "See ya!"....
Wasn't cool: you were so wild -
An' I was silly as a child -
Couldn't see past that dance floor
Into some sad tomorrow...
Where you would be only memories....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Even now that I am older
You come on so slick - much bolder
Than this graceless heart of mine
Can ever, never be...
You are just a Child of Fun -
Won't get close to any one...
As if I was ever one who'd change ya...
As if I was ever one to change ya....
_________________
Let's see what this mornin' brings
Life's a twinin', livin' thing -
I am seein' you more clear
Than I could when I was younger....
Ain't no harm in being you - ain't
No shame in bein' me -
It's just natural my sort would lose ya -
Got nothin' to hold ya - gonna lose ya...
Lose ya to some dream of memories....
_________________
CHORUS
_________________
So I spot ya makin fun -
Laughin' hard with everyone...
Makin' hay and love times
While the sun shines....
Yeah, I'm glad I ain't with you -
You can make a girl feel blue...
She jus' can't see straight enough
To see ya...and she's gotta see real good
To see ya...dancing somewheres in
Her memories...dancing someplace in
Her memories....
_________________
CHORUS
________________
SING FOLK SONGS LIKE WE USED'TA is Lyrics for Den and me - cuz we miss those days - but mainly, cuz we wish the Songs of Today still had lots more Room for Folk Music in their Company...like they used'ta....
SING FOLK SONGS LIKE WE USED'TA'
If I swam to you right across that sea
Would you sing for me like you used'ta'?
Would you harmonize - with your big hazel eyes
Lookin' into mine, like you used'ta'?
No more Folk to sing...I'd give anything
To sing Folk once more, like we used'ta'....
We were young and sweet...sweep me off my feet
With each tone complete - like you used/ta'....
_____________________
CHORUS/Bridge
They're all singin' Old-Timey today!
It don't touch my heart in the same way -
And, Americana all is 'good song' -
But Folksong moves me - what more can I say?
_____________________
Guess we're growin' old - may I be so bold
To ask for one Song - like we used'ta?
We could could sing all day - right into the night -
It'll all be right - like it used'ta...
Now then, don't you cry - this ain't no goodbye!
It's lovin' 'Hello'! - like we used'ta -
Folk Songs just don't die - keep those tears at bay -
We can sing our lives away - like we used'ta....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
REPEAT FIRST VERSE FIRST STANZA ONLY...CLOSE....
___________________
If I swam to you right across that sea
Would you sing for me like you used'ta'?
Would you harmonize - with your big hazel eyes
Lookin' into mine, like you used'ta'?
No more Folk to sing...I'd give anything
To sing Folk once more, like we used'ta'....
We were young and sweet...sweep me off my feet
With each tone complete - like you used/ta'....
_____________________
CHORUS/Bridge
They're all singin' Old-Timey today!
It don't touch my heart in the same way -
And, Americana all is 'good song' -
But Folksong moves me - what more can I say?
_____________________
Guess we're growin' old - may I be so bold
To ask for one Song - like we used'ta?
We could could sing all day - right into the night -
It'll all be right - like it used'ta...
Now then, don't you cry - this ain't no goodbye!
It's lovin' 'Hello'! - like we used'ta -
Folk Songs just don't die - keep those tears at bay -
We can sing our lives away - like we used'ta....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
REPEAT FIRST VERSE FIRST STANZA ONLY...CLOSE....
___________________
YOU COULD GIVE ME AN OLD-TIMEY FOLK SONG is Lyrics I wrote after hearin' Tom Paxton and Dave Maloney sing at Freight and Salvage this chilly evenin' in March...just bless their hearts: I cried my way through half of them...partly for my own singin' good-old-days...partly because the songs were so gentle and true and kind...thank you all, older old-timey Folk Singers...you've brought me so much joy and lovely tears...for years and years and years....
YOU COULD GIVE ME AN OLD-TIMEY FOLK SONG
CHORUS
What can I give you, you asked me
What can I give you, my dear...
Jus' give me the stars and the moon and
A Song: a Song that will bring me to tears....
_____________________
Well, you could give me clear diamonds
Or give me some money and things -
But you can't give me the tears that I cry
When oldey-time folk singers sing...
An' you can give me a sweet summer day
Or dinner and a movie show -
But you can't give me that wisdom inside
That them oldey-time folk singers know....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Well, it's jus' I'm a'course gettin' older -
An' my fine voice is losin' its say...
But an oldey-time folk singer's stolen my heart -
Some would say I jus' gave it away....
So we ain't got that barrel of money -
You could give me a reason for song...
That Song would be worth all the gold that there is -
An' that gold jus' won't last half as long....
__________________
So dance to the oldey-time folk tunes -
An' sing to an oldey-time story -
It ain't got the hype of some pop tune -
But a pop tune ain't got any glory...
An' tears come so free with that old song -
Because it has truth and shines light
On each lovin' day of your whole life...
An' makes all your livin' days bright....
__________________
CHORUS
_________________
__________________
CHORUS
What can I give you, you asked me
What can I give you, my dear...
Jus' give me the stars and the moon and
A Song: a Song that will bring me to tears....
_____________________
Well, you could give me clear diamonds
Or give me some money and things -
But you can't give me the tears that I cry
When oldey-time folk singers sing...
An' you can give me a sweet summer day
Or dinner and a movie show -
But you can't give me that wisdom inside
That them oldey-time folk singers know....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Well, it's jus' I'm a'course gettin' older -
An' my fine voice is losin' its say...
But an oldey-time folk singer's stolen my heart -
Some would say I jus' gave it away....
So we ain't got that barrel of money -
You could give me a reason for song...
That Song would be worth all the gold that there is -
An' that gold jus' won't last half as long....
__________________
So dance to the oldey-time folk tunes -
An' sing to an oldey-time story -
It ain't got the hype of some pop tune -
But a pop tune ain't got any glory...
An' tears come so free with that old song -
Because it has truth and shines light
On each lovin' day of your whole life...
An' makes all your livin' days bright....
__________________
CHORUS
_________________
__________________
3/28/12
POINTLESS SCRAMBLIN' - GAMBLIN' LADY is Lyrics inspired by Jim C via the Martinez Patch...thank ya kindly, Jim! Hope these Blues or C and W Blues have a Song: come-on and take this 'pointless scramble' of a gamble, Singer/Songwriter/Creative Person!....
POINTLESS SCRAMBLIN' - GAMBLIN' LADY
Some gamblin' folks are ladies -
Still, most play just like the gents -
Some sit there in silence
Wonderin' where their money went...
Others start to scramble
When they see the goin' is good -
Others get so gol-darn sad
And just are gone for good...
____________________
CHORUS
It's just too easy
Yeah, it's easy
So hard, it's easy...
Yeah...o Yeah....
____________________
BRIDGE:
And ya wanna tell her
Lady, walk right out that door!
You don't need this pointless scramblin' -
You can't lose no more!
You can't even be a Player
When you've lost it all...
And you've lost too much -
You're mostly fallin'...
Watch it, Baby -
You lose: You fall....
___________________
So she's cryin' now
On some fella's suit -
He don't seem to care...
And he's some loser, to boot...
So she takes herself
Out into the night...
Where it's dark and cold -
Cuz she's givin' up this fight...
__________________
CHORUS
_________________
She'll come back here tho -
Just can't stay away:
See, the winnin's fun -
And it keeps her Blues away...
But the losin's bad...
And I gotta say
She's much older now...
Pointless years have slipped away....
_________________
CHORUS
_________________
BRIDGE
________________
CHORUS
_______________
Some gamblin' folks are ladies -
Still, most play just like the gents -
Some sit there in silence
Wonderin' where their money went...
Others start to scramble
When they see the goin' is good -
Others get so gol-darn sad
And just are gone for good...
____________________
CHORUS
It's just too easy
Yeah, it's easy
So hard, it's easy...
Yeah...o Yeah....
____________________
BRIDGE:
And ya wanna tell her
Lady, walk right out that door!
You don't need this pointless scramblin' -
You can't lose no more!
You can't even be a Player
When you've lost it all...
And you've lost too much -
You're mostly fallin'...
Watch it, Baby -
You lose: You fall....
___________________
So she's cryin' now
On some fella's suit -
He don't seem to care...
And he's some loser, to boot...
So she takes herself
Out into the night...
Where it's dark and cold -
Cuz she's givin' up this fight...
__________________
CHORUS
_________________
She'll come back here tho -
Just can't stay away:
See, the winnin's fun -
And it keeps her Blues away...
But the losin's bad...
And I gotta say
She's much older now...
Pointless years have slipped away....
_________________
CHORUS
_________________
BRIDGE
________________
CHORUS
_______________
3/27/12
SOMETIMES WE BIND OURSELVES TOGETHER is a non-fiction piece about my reflections on Divorce. Sigh. Word.
SOMETIMES WE BIND OURSELVES TOGETHER
Sometimes we bind ourselves together...and seldom know the harm in binding...that lonely feeling...that cries for freedom...that needs unfolding...and understanding...and time for holding...one single mirror...with one reflection...to call our own....
I heard them say the words forever...but I don't know if words have meaning...if they are borrowed... with fear of losing... what can't be borrowed...or lent in blindness...or blessed by pageantry...or sold by preachers...while you're still walking... your separate ways....
these are words from the lyrics of a song by Richard F...he was a wise man...and a 'wise guy'! very funny. very fun...very in love with his wife, who was a singer just like he was...he taught me a lot about song...and he was how I found Alex, who I was married with...who died...who is another story....
The song always reminds me about marriage...what goes on when marriages fall apart...This one is just thinking about how getting-out-of-being-married feels like...why people do...all the reasons....what marriages look like years later...why love is so elusive later on...just trying not to follow the cliches here...not to make it all too simple, too simplistic.....
First, Superficial Signs Noted: when couple who have been married for lots and lots of years, and are starting to split-up...they both seem to know exactly who "owns" what...down to small things...kitchen stuff... tools...the books...the CDs...DVDs...even the tapes...all the art on the walls, of course - down to tiny things...knick knacks and so on...how and where do we store all these ownerships in our minds? and, for so many years!...whose little thing belongs to whom and so on? it's amazing, when you think about it..what does it mean, that so many of us actually know, when we are splitting up, whose stuff is whose?..were we knowing, somewhere inside, all along, that the split-up could happen?...I mean, I think the question is a very real and intimate one...a symbol or something like that...but, of what?....
Then there's money...folks who actually have told me they don't care that much about money, really care for money a great deal when the divorce is going on. Again, who is going to get what...it's a big, big, big question. the answers are terrible quite often. and they get more terrible and fights can happen. some people are always fighting about money in their marriages anyways...but still...when they are leaving the 'other', money can come to mean several - heck...more than several! - metaphors for who the couple were, and what each of them are going to be when they are away from the other...lives can be actually ruined, really ruined over the money business, all on its own...
When I left my marriages, I gave away as much as possible without jeopardizing the kids and myself into poverty. it was just my way. but, I have no idea if my partners saw it all that way. no idea at all. maybe they still felt taken for a ride or something. I was the one who left them after all, in the short run and in the long run...the money can come to be the code word for all their anger at me for being a jerk in their lives. I do take responsibility for that...but does it change anything at all? probably not....
The Kids. even if they are all 'grown up', kids are hit so hard by divorce. that's just a fact. it's useless to rationalize it. they aren't happy when their parents split...if either parent divorces more than once, it's even worse: it's a sign. it touches them fully. they may break ranks with the parent or both of them, or step-parents or whatever. it's so reasonable that they behave this way, up to a point... it helps them sometimes to use parent divorces as a reason for not getting their own lives to work the way they'd like their lives to go. but, no matter what: they are very badly affected by divorce. no sense in pretending that they aren't. and, when they are little guys, it takes all the work and love in the world to help them to feel OK, much less 'good', about all the changes that keep happening after...not that the parents should feel all guilty, tho some of them sure could. it's just so incredibly important to feel responsive to the kids and responsible to them 24/7. They hardly ever have one single thing to do with the split-ups...but they feel them way into their guts as bad as their parents do...maybe even worse....hard...really hard.....the grand kids, too. same deal...it's so hard on everybody....
So then, why don't people just give up and never get divorced, so that they won't be so destructive and horrible?...looks like their is one great huge list of reasons and also excuses that get people into these split-ups, of what used to be a 'loving' relationship...usually...at one time....
I think most people, like I have been three times, tend to leave, or to be left, from their marriage(s) for selfish reasons...not saying that's always a 'bad' thing...often it is, tho: they've "fallen out of love"...or they're tired of or dissatisfied with, the sex, the intimacy, in the relationship...to all kinds of degrees of dissatisfaction...or they just can't get along anymore...or never did 'get along'...or fight too much...or have too little in common anymore...if they ever did....or they really hate each other...or one of them does, anyway...or....well, I bet most adults, and a great many kids, know lots and lots of reasons that people "break up"... still...these are also really good reasons to leave a person...it's better than lying to them all the time...saying "I love you", when you don't...to hold on to the security...or just not "making waves", which is a big reason for lying to partners....then there are the affairs....
So many married people have affairs! They have them when the marriage loses excitement, when there's no sex, or too little sex, or not-happy sex, or no "understanding", or things have gotten "old", or partners are sick, or pregnant, or one of you is traveling too much, or any number of dozens and dozens of reasons that everybody actually knows about and all too many never say they do. but, we all do. we do know all about it....we make decisions all the time about how we are going to deal with not being completely number One in our partner's life...unless we really are number One, in which case we do know that. That's the number that feels best to all of us...but, it's rare for it to last forever...for some people it does, though....the lucky ones who are number One for life...it must feel so great for them to have felt that day and night after day after night...as long as you feel you are number One, for sure, then the world is a good place...and you don't worry about the 'affairs' business...I'm sure about that....not that I'd know all about that...but I do know a bit about that....
sometimes, there are very, very good reasons to leave someone...if they're genuinely dangerous to themselves or others; or really crazy, and can't or won't get 'help'; or are abusive in any number of ways; or they're wrecking the relationship or the family in any number of ways, and can't or won't stop; or they're unfaithful or alcoholc and won't mend their ways; or they're just hurting you too much, in any number of ways...I bet the list is way endless...I know parts of that list very well....
but, most often, I think folks just truly grow-out-of-love...here in the US, where I've lived my whole life, that tends to be considered an OK reason to split-up...I'm not sure how we got that way...but we did...maybe because we don't have to struggle - most of us don't, anyway - just to survive. we have housing and food and water and 'energy' and clothing and even education and, usually, jobs even...so we have time to think about whether we are 'happy' or not. we have lots of reasons why we are or aren't happy...we think about our happiness -what 'makes' us happy. what 'makes' us unhappy...it's unique to our culture...not that other world peoples don't think about happiness in their lives. but, in our country, a whole lot more of us think about being happy than in other countries...I really believe that's true! and, we attach a great deal of our stuff about happiness on our 'partners' in life...again. I do not know why!
So, what's so bad about trying to take care of yourself...leaving some one because you are so very unhappy...because you're not loved for being who you are...because you are not getting needs met that are very, very important to you...because you can't be who-you-are with the person you are with?...I think people should live these decisions by themselves...they should work these things through...if it's important enough for you to live your own life honestly as it is...then maybe leaving a really unaccepting partner, who can't or won't give what you need, is a good idea...actually 'good'...only each single soul can decide such a thing...all alone, must decide such a thing....
you know, when you find some one you like and even love much better then the person you're with, who you've been "making-do-with"...as many of us do...then, that is very, very hard. you have to decide. it's hard...you watch and wait and check it out over and over, and it's still true...you really want to be with this other person...and that person wants to be with you too...it's hard for every body...no one wants to hurt a good person who just isn't right for you. no one wants to leave for 'selfish' reasons...no one wants to risk a new person, when the 'old' one is OK, just not so great...maybe they used to be great...maybe not...doesn't matter...breaking up a household because you have to, you really have to be with some one else is...very, very difficult...but there is nothing you can do...you have to be with the person you love that much...if the love is that much, then you have to do it...or you know you will really, really regret not being with that person you love...for ever...forever...you know it....so you go to them....and it's the right thing, and the only thing, you can do....even if you try not to...you have to...sometimes, another soul is the only soul you can possibly be with...and you have to be with him or her....it's a real kind of fate, sometimes....
If you meet enough people in life, you see that you could actually live with many of them...a lot of them...you could have an ordinary, perfectly good life with a lot of persons and personalities...it's kind of a shock to find out how many souls are a lot like your own...how many people you find attractive...how many think much the same as you do about life...how many keep house, or work, or like the same music...same as you. But, amazingly, only one or two people in a lifetime really come close to being exactly right for you at any time in life...how can we be so different...and why are we not given the right matches in the first place? and, why do our ideas of who would be 'right' for us change often...and, why does it almost always come down to one person,..the person we cannot really live without...and never do well without...unless, by some miracle, the time and place and planets are all in the right hearts at the right time...now, there's a gift in life, a real gift: if you are very, very lucky, you 'get' the right person...and the time is right too...a real gift, for sure....
Occasionally in life, I have personally 'loved' a couple of guys at the same time...but it was always a misperception of what was really there...infatuation...a certain vanity...an effort to fill a space that needed filling...a sexuality that wouldn't be denied....the usual effort to capture what a 'first love' had been like...remembering, always, what his body and spirit felt like...wanting that...how far would my imagination go to try to recapture feelings and innocences long gone....pretty far, it turns out...I even married people who I knew were "almost right', right from the start!...I would hope it would be OK...accepting, and easy to live with as I am... I simply assumed everything would turn out all right...and you know, for a long time, sometimes for many years, life would, indeed, be pretty good, all around...
I wonder how often that happens for others...I bet it happens fairly often...although many of us, myself included, have lots of rationalizations and denials about all that, deep inside...we tell ourselves we are truly in love at last...and then think about the person we really love or loved, even from long ago...all of the time...and don't even question that there might be a disconnect there!
There are so many ways for men and women to love each other...there are friendships that are truly platonic and great...others are friendships that become marriages...there are marriages that become friendships later, and not sexual at all any more...others where the friendship isn't that satisfying...because the other partner wants sexuality in life, and it just isn't there...sometimes sexuality was never there...and that's OK...sometimes it's not...sometimes the love is just a habit, a word people say...to avoid the confrontations, the blaming, the misfortune of looking back on love that really wasn't love at all, even though you both called whatever-you-had 'love'...you both knew the difference, but could not say....and sometimes love hits one and not the other...and people live together that way as well...there are lovers who stay lovers forever through the changing times...there are lovers who marry, and the feeling of love is gone after a few years, or even more, of declining sexual life together...but they stay together because of 'the family', and the love of each other through 'family' becomes enough...for others, it isn't enough...and when the kids are grown and leave the 'nest', they have to leave and find love again, or something inside of them will die... and they don't want that part of themselves to die...others can live with the peace of still being 'family', when all the feathers of the nest have blown into the winds...there are a few, a very few...who refind the Great Love Of Their Lives quite late in life...they have a look of eternal joy on their faces that every body can see...people comment on it...how lucky they are...look at how they are holding hands...those two older people...right over there...see them? Aren't they beautiful?.....and sometimes...such a love comes too soon...and you are too young to see it as it is...and you pass it by...and then...you have to live with that Love Not Being In Your LIfe for the rest of your days...unless you are very, very, lucky...and somehow...that One True Love finds you again...and you begin again...as it should have been...so long ago....
When people leave marriages, they learn more about themselves, and about who they were, and about who the other person may have been, or thought that they were...things come out, that you almost knew, but didn't know well, and you learn more about those things...all that new understanding and knowledge may be useful. it may not. but it does happen...
When people Die in a marriage...it's another way of leaving...there may be some relief...if there was pain - of any kind - in any way - but there may not be relief...
There is always pain at this loss...and not a thing can be done...you live with that pain and go on. or you do not go on well...or you do not go on....it's not as predictable as you would think...ahead of time.....
Thinking about Marriages and how they 'fail' goes on and on and on and on like a River with an endless source high in those Mountains of Love where the clear waters once tumbled and ran and danced over every obstacle...every rock...every turn...with sweet abandon....the River goes on and on and picks up so many muds and silts and boulders and woods and debris...deposits some...carries others right to the sea...slowing and growing murkier by the mile....but then, there is the sea....the River dumps it all. mixes with the deep and endlessly forgiving and cleansing Sea of Changes...becomes one with all that water and sweet decay and living salts....
Sometimes we bind ourselves together....
the dreamings of loss...the harsh and so human realities of loss...
it's all one thing....
We are only human.
We will bind ourselves together again...
Love is such a bondage...
the bindings can be true again...
the bond may well hold.....
Sometimes we bind ourselves together...and seldom know the harm in binding...that lonely feeling...that cries for freedom...that needs unfolding...and understanding...and time for holding...one single mirror...with one reflection...to call our own....
I heard them say the words forever...but I don't know if words have meaning...if they are borrowed... with fear of losing... what can't be borrowed...or lent in blindness...or blessed by pageantry...or sold by preachers...while you're still walking... your separate ways....
these are words from the lyrics of a song by Richard F...he was a wise man...and a 'wise guy'! very funny. very fun...very in love with his wife, who was a singer just like he was...he taught me a lot about song...and he was how I found Alex, who I was married with...who died...who is another story....
The song always reminds me about marriage...what goes on when marriages fall apart...This one is just thinking about how getting-out-of-being-married feels like...why people do...all the reasons....what marriages look like years later...why love is so elusive later on...just trying not to follow the cliches here...not to make it all too simple, too simplistic.....
First, Superficial Signs Noted: when couple who have been married for lots and lots of years, and are starting to split-up...they both seem to know exactly who "owns" what...down to small things...kitchen stuff... tools...the books...the CDs...DVDs...even the tapes...all the art on the walls, of course - down to tiny things...knick knacks and so on...how and where do we store all these ownerships in our minds? and, for so many years!...whose little thing belongs to whom and so on? it's amazing, when you think about it..what does it mean, that so many of us actually know, when we are splitting up, whose stuff is whose?..were we knowing, somewhere inside, all along, that the split-up could happen?...I mean, I think the question is a very real and intimate one...a symbol or something like that...but, of what?....
Then there's money...folks who actually have told me they don't care that much about money, really care for money a great deal when the divorce is going on. Again, who is going to get what...it's a big, big, big question. the answers are terrible quite often. and they get more terrible and fights can happen. some people are always fighting about money in their marriages anyways...but still...when they are leaving the 'other', money can come to mean several - heck...more than several! - metaphors for who the couple were, and what each of them are going to be when they are away from the other...lives can be actually ruined, really ruined over the money business, all on its own...
When I left my marriages, I gave away as much as possible without jeopardizing the kids and myself into poverty. it was just my way. but, I have no idea if my partners saw it all that way. no idea at all. maybe they still felt taken for a ride or something. I was the one who left them after all, in the short run and in the long run...the money can come to be the code word for all their anger at me for being a jerk in their lives. I do take responsibility for that...but does it change anything at all? probably not....
The Kids. even if they are all 'grown up', kids are hit so hard by divorce. that's just a fact. it's useless to rationalize it. they aren't happy when their parents split...if either parent divorces more than once, it's even worse: it's a sign. it touches them fully. they may break ranks with the parent or both of them, or step-parents or whatever. it's so reasonable that they behave this way, up to a point... it helps them sometimes to use parent divorces as a reason for not getting their own lives to work the way they'd like their lives to go. but, no matter what: they are very badly affected by divorce. no sense in pretending that they aren't. and, when they are little guys, it takes all the work and love in the world to help them to feel OK, much less 'good', about all the changes that keep happening after...not that the parents should feel all guilty, tho some of them sure could. it's just so incredibly important to feel responsive to the kids and responsible to them 24/7. They hardly ever have one single thing to do with the split-ups...but they feel them way into their guts as bad as their parents do...maybe even worse....hard...really hard.....the grand kids, too. same deal...it's so hard on everybody....
So then, why don't people just give up and never get divorced, so that they won't be so destructive and horrible?...looks like their is one great huge list of reasons and also excuses that get people into these split-ups, of what used to be a 'loving' relationship...usually...at one time....
I think most people, like I have been three times, tend to leave, or to be left, from their marriage(s) for selfish reasons...not saying that's always a 'bad' thing...often it is, tho: they've "fallen out of love"...or they're tired of or dissatisfied with, the sex, the intimacy, in the relationship...to all kinds of degrees of dissatisfaction...or they just can't get along anymore...or never did 'get along'...or fight too much...or have too little in common anymore...if they ever did....or they really hate each other...or one of them does, anyway...or....well, I bet most adults, and a great many kids, know lots and lots of reasons that people "break up"... still...these are also really good reasons to leave a person...it's better than lying to them all the time...saying "I love you", when you don't...to hold on to the security...or just not "making waves", which is a big reason for lying to partners....then there are the affairs....
So many married people have affairs! They have them when the marriage loses excitement, when there's no sex, or too little sex, or not-happy sex, or no "understanding", or things have gotten "old", or partners are sick, or pregnant, or one of you is traveling too much, or any number of dozens and dozens of reasons that everybody actually knows about and all too many never say they do. but, we all do. we do know all about it....we make decisions all the time about how we are going to deal with not being completely number One in our partner's life...unless we really are number One, in which case we do know that. That's the number that feels best to all of us...but, it's rare for it to last forever...for some people it does, though....the lucky ones who are number One for life...it must feel so great for them to have felt that day and night after day after night...as long as you feel you are number One, for sure, then the world is a good place...and you don't worry about the 'affairs' business...I'm sure about that....not that I'd know all about that...but I do know a bit about that....
sometimes, there are very, very good reasons to leave someone...if they're genuinely dangerous to themselves or others; or really crazy, and can't or won't get 'help'; or are abusive in any number of ways; or they're wrecking the relationship or the family in any number of ways, and can't or won't stop; or they're unfaithful or alcoholc and won't mend their ways; or they're just hurting you too much, in any number of ways...I bet the list is way endless...I know parts of that list very well....
but, most often, I think folks just truly grow-out-of-love...here in the US, where I've lived my whole life, that tends to be considered an OK reason to split-up...I'm not sure how we got that way...but we did...maybe because we don't have to struggle - most of us don't, anyway - just to survive. we have housing and food and water and 'energy' and clothing and even education and, usually, jobs even...so we have time to think about whether we are 'happy' or not. we have lots of reasons why we are or aren't happy...we think about our happiness -what 'makes' us happy. what 'makes' us unhappy...it's unique to our culture...not that other world peoples don't think about happiness in their lives. but, in our country, a whole lot more of us think about being happy than in other countries...I really believe that's true! and, we attach a great deal of our stuff about happiness on our 'partners' in life...again. I do not know why!
So, what's so bad about trying to take care of yourself...leaving some one because you are so very unhappy...because you're not loved for being who you are...because you are not getting needs met that are very, very important to you...because you can't be who-you-are with the person you are with?...I think people should live these decisions by themselves...they should work these things through...if it's important enough for you to live your own life honestly as it is...then maybe leaving a really unaccepting partner, who can't or won't give what you need, is a good idea...actually 'good'...only each single soul can decide such a thing...all alone, must decide such a thing....
you know, when you find some one you like and even love much better then the person you're with, who you've been "making-do-with"...as many of us do...then, that is very, very hard. you have to decide. it's hard...you watch and wait and check it out over and over, and it's still true...you really want to be with this other person...and that person wants to be with you too...it's hard for every body...no one wants to hurt a good person who just isn't right for you. no one wants to leave for 'selfish' reasons...no one wants to risk a new person, when the 'old' one is OK, just not so great...maybe they used to be great...maybe not...doesn't matter...breaking up a household because you have to, you really have to be with some one else is...very, very difficult...but there is nothing you can do...you have to be with the person you love that much...if the love is that much, then you have to do it...or you know you will really, really regret not being with that person you love...for ever...forever...you know it....so you go to them....and it's the right thing, and the only thing, you can do....even if you try not to...you have to...sometimes, another soul is the only soul you can possibly be with...and you have to be with him or her....it's a real kind of fate, sometimes....
If you meet enough people in life, you see that you could actually live with many of them...a lot of them...you could have an ordinary, perfectly good life with a lot of persons and personalities...it's kind of a shock to find out how many souls are a lot like your own...how many people you find attractive...how many think much the same as you do about life...how many keep house, or work, or like the same music...same as you. But, amazingly, only one or two people in a lifetime really come close to being exactly right for you at any time in life...how can we be so different...and why are we not given the right matches in the first place? and, why do our ideas of who would be 'right' for us change often...and, why does it almost always come down to one person,..the person we cannot really live without...and never do well without...unless, by some miracle, the time and place and planets are all in the right hearts at the right time...now, there's a gift in life, a real gift: if you are very, very lucky, you 'get' the right person...and the time is right too...a real gift, for sure....
Occasionally in life, I have personally 'loved' a couple of guys at the same time...but it was always a misperception of what was really there...infatuation...a certain vanity...an effort to fill a space that needed filling...a sexuality that wouldn't be denied....the usual effort to capture what a 'first love' had been like...remembering, always, what his body and spirit felt like...wanting that...how far would my imagination go to try to recapture feelings and innocences long gone....pretty far, it turns out...I even married people who I knew were "almost right', right from the start!...I would hope it would be OK...accepting, and easy to live with as I am... I simply assumed everything would turn out all right...and you know, for a long time, sometimes for many years, life would, indeed, be pretty good, all around...
I wonder how often that happens for others...I bet it happens fairly often...although many of us, myself included, have lots of rationalizations and denials about all that, deep inside...we tell ourselves we are truly in love at last...and then think about the person we really love or loved, even from long ago...all of the time...and don't even question that there might be a disconnect there!
There are so many ways for men and women to love each other...there are friendships that are truly platonic and great...others are friendships that become marriages...there are marriages that become friendships later, and not sexual at all any more...others where the friendship isn't that satisfying...because the other partner wants sexuality in life, and it just isn't there...sometimes sexuality was never there...and that's OK...sometimes it's not...sometimes the love is just a habit, a word people say...to avoid the confrontations, the blaming, the misfortune of looking back on love that really wasn't love at all, even though you both called whatever-you-had 'love'...you both knew the difference, but could not say....and sometimes love hits one and not the other...and people live together that way as well...there are lovers who stay lovers forever through the changing times...there are lovers who marry, and the feeling of love is gone after a few years, or even more, of declining sexual life together...but they stay together because of 'the family', and the love of each other through 'family' becomes enough...for others, it isn't enough...and when the kids are grown and leave the 'nest', they have to leave and find love again, or something inside of them will die... and they don't want that part of themselves to die...others can live with the peace of still being 'family', when all the feathers of the nest have blown into the winds...there are a few, a very few...who refind the Great Love Of Their Lives quite late in life...they have a look of eternal joy on their faces that every body can see...people comment on it...how lucky they are...look at how they are holding hands...those two older people...right over there...see them? Aren't they beautiful?.....and sometimes...such a love comes too soon...and you are too young to see it as it is...and you pass it by...and then...you have to live with that Love Not Being In Your LIfe for the rest of your days...unless you are very, very, lucky...and somehow...that One True Love finds you again...and you begin again...as it should have been...so long ago....
When people leave marriages, they learn more about themselves, and about who they were, and about who the other person may have been, or thought that they were...things come out, that you almost knew, but didn't know well, and you learn more about those things...all that new understanding and knowledge may be useful. it may not. but it does happen...
When people Die in a marriage...it's another way of leaving...there may be some relief...if there was pain - of any kind - in any way - but there may not be relief...
There is always pain at this loss...and not a thing can be done...you live with that pain and go on. or you do not go on well...or you do not go on....it's not as predictable as you would think...ahead of time.....
Thinking about Marriages and how they 'fail' goes on and on and on and on like a River with an endless source high in those Mountains of Love where the clear waters once tumbled and ran and danced over every obstacle...every rock...every turn...with sweet abandon....the River goes on and on and picks up so many muds and silts and boulders and woods and debris...deposits some...carries others right to the sea...slowing and growing murkier by the mile....but then, there is the sea....the River dumps it all. mixes with the deep and endlessly forgiving and cleansing Sea of Changes...becomes one with all that water and sweet decay and living salts....
Sometimes we bind ourselves together....
the dreamings of loss...the harsh and so human realities of loss...
it's all one thing....
We are only human.
We will bind ourselves together again...
Love is such a bondage...
the bindings can be true again...
the bond may well hold.....
TANGLES is a Poem about Life's...well...Tangled Ways... how we need to find the courage to captain our own boats home to true harbor....
TANGLES
there are shoulds
that come from outside of us
then, the ones we invent
all our own
that we call
our integrity
we hold on to these
absolutes
as if they were, well,
absolutes
the shreds of sails
around us are
signs
rags of our
former selves
we look at all our things
on board
we say
we earned these
they our ours
they are in fact
who we are
we know this isn't
true
the truth is busy
navigating
among all our
alternatives
what leaps of faith
we make
we look back on
proud
we sailed something
alive
once, maybe more
left with our
beaten bodies
our souls
stir
waiting for
resurrections
that may never happen
if we don't take the tiller
bring the boat about
trim the sail
head for
where ever we really know
our real harbor
really is
uncharted
but there
the guide-lines from our
splendid pasts
less tangled
than immagined
and certainly
not snapped
there are shoulds
that come from outside of us
then, the ones we invent
all our own
that we call
our integrity
we hold on to these
absolutes
as if they were, well,
absolutes
the shreds of sails
around us are
signs
rags of our
former selves
we look at all our things
on board
we say
we earned these
they our ours
they are in fact
who we are
we know this isn't
true
the truth is busy
navigating
among all our
alternatives
what leaps of faith
we make
we look back on
proud
we sailed something
alive
once, maybe more
left with our
beaten bodies
our souls
stir
waiting for
resurrections
that may never happen
if we don't take the tiller
bring the boat about
trim the sail
head for
where ever we really know
our real harbor
really is
uncharted
but there
the guide-lines from our
splendid pasts
less tangled
than immagined
and certainly
not snapped
THE NATURE OF TRUTH UPON THIS EARTH is a Poem about my serious view of how this Wonderful Planet takes our approaches to the Truth about her Nature...there must be a better Planet somewhere, I suppose...but I want to stay here, personally...I like being on this Planet very, very much....
THE NATURE OF TRUTH UPON THIS EARTH
when our lies are over
this Earth will not
hold us any more
it will have given up
the race we run
upon it with our
changes in realities
our fantasies
never giving up
our chances to
move away
The Truth
from our attention
with all speed
we cannot be with
The Nature of this
Earth and tell our
lies over and over
Nature doesn't speak
such nonsense
not ever
hard and unforgiving
soft and forgiving
Nature is biding her time
with our poor selves
waiting until times when
The Truth
that we expect to come
and save us
saves us not
passes us by completely
leaves us stranded
on most dead rock
moves on
to a kinder planet
that never combined
all those minerals and soups
of carbon and life energy
into human form
a good planet
where all of our lies
are never spoken
because we are not there
never were there
never will be there
Nature yawns
smiles
breathes in
The Truth
breathes out
The Truth
when our lies are over
this Earth will not
hold us any more
it will have given up
the race we run
upon it with our
changes in realities
our fantasies
never giving up
our chances to
move away
The Truth
from our attention
with all speed
we cannot be with
The Nature of this
Earth and tell our
lies over and over
Nature doesn't speak
such nonsense
not ever
hard and unforgiving
soft and forgiving
Nature is biding her time
with our poor selves
waiting until times when
The Truth
that we expect to come
and save us
saves us not
passes us by completely
leaves us stranded
on most dead rock
moves on
to a kinder planet
that never combined
all those minerals and soups
of carbon and life energy
into human form
a good planet
where all of our lies
are never spoken
because we are not there
never were there
never will be there
Nature yawns
smiles
breathes in
The Truth
breathes out
The Truth
DEEANE'S SWEET MOUTH is a Reflection Piece...a memory of a time not so long ago...that may or may not make such a difference...as all time always, ever does....
DEEANE'S SWEET MOUTH
Deeane was a waitress. she had, of course, met us as soon as we came into the little cafe for breakfast. I saw the look on your face the moment you saw her. your face suffused with pleasure, and I knew at once. she reminded you of Dorie. the same small and vulnerable frame. more like a child's than a woman's. she was probably in her forties. but, she looked like a young princess should look. a vulnerable, sweet mouth. big gentle brown eyes. tendril of curls all blond and childlike, twisted up upon her head. she held her hands more like a dancer's than like a working woman's. somehow, her hands moved with much efficiency and dexterity, although she seemed new to her work in some way. she was gracious and kind and her smile was like you imagine an angel's would be. you were smitten. you adored her at once. she was the sort of woman Dorie had been and is. strong perhaps. but on many levels, very unprotected. in need of protection. protection you wanted at once to give her. you would have taken her in - in a moment, she had claims on you that held you close. she was your dream. you flirted with her with sweet abandon. unafraid of who I was, there watching you. always I had known: the tiny, sweet, vulnerable, more simple women held sway over you. their small little girl ways and faces. their sweet open mouths. you imagined holding their small selves against your large self. giving them love and home. giving them your largeness. adoring and protecting them all at once....
the amazing part, naturally, was that you were not afraid to show me all of that! trusting that I would protect your own open infatuation and desire. your own delight and adoration of her perfection in your eyes. your trust amazed me: that you would love me so deeply. yet, could fall in love at once for the sweet waitress in the little cafe. you asked her name. Deeane. all along she had made eye contact with you... still, she also made eye contact with me. just as much... I could not help wondering what was happening for her. for, when she made contact with me, I saw mainly a great sorrow in her lovely eyes. she was showing me her sorrow. why, I couldn't imagine... what could I do for her? what could I ever say? what door could open between us? was she responding to your instant love for her? or, was it some grief that she could not keep out of her eyes? I felt a mystery was there. but, what mystery could account for these immediate connections among the three of us?....
We were all dancing this affectionate dance among us, when you got up to go to the restroom...you were gone for a few seconds when she came up to the table again. your coffee cup was still full, but she topped it off in her gracious way. then she looked me straight in the eyes again. she asked if she could ask me a question. I told her of course. she asked if I was the new therapist at the clinic. The Clinic? without explaining, Deeane said that she couldn't see the new therapist, because she couldn't pay and didn't have the coverage. she thought I looked like the new therapist. there was a hesitancy... I took the leap into her unknown: they will see you, I told her. if they know that you're not safe...if they know that things are very bad for you...then they will take you in. her face had never changed in expression the whole time she had been with us. she was wearing a mask. to cover for something very sad. perhaps even abuse... I sensed a husband, or a home with a man. someplace she could not leave for some reason. the sadness was that deep. she needed help that much... she nodded at me, as if to say that she understood. that she would go back to the clinic and try again... then you were coming back and she went on to another duty. she came up one more time while we were there. but she gave no sign that we had communicated so much in such a few minutes....
I do not think we saved her. we were only a small boat of kind strangers passing through her turbulent waters. she saw your delight and kindness. your large protective self. she saw my compassion. my ability to understand her somehow... she wanted to be understood. to reach for the life preserver we threw her so graciously and so, truly, accidentally, in our unconscious delight in her childlike beauty and grace. I can not be sure that she saved herself. I like to think that she went back to the clinic and explained herself better to them. of course, they would take her in. they would work out something about the fee. I'm sure of that. but there is no way we will know. we will never know her well enough to know... probably we will never see her again. we will only hope that she will be saved by love or by therapy or by some more lasting kindness...that all that sorrow will be driven from her innocent and lovely eyes. that only laughter will come from her sweet mouth....
what we learned from our time with Deeane is most important of all that happened there in that little cafe...we always learn bits and pieces about one another from encounters with others around us...small incidents can seem so important at times...at other times, they mean nothing at all....this sweet set of interaction was all about love. it was all about trust. all about the open hearts we have when we are together, you and I. we could see that we could show our feelings in front of the other without shame. without expectations of perfection. without doubt. accepted. for who we really are. taken in. for how we really feel. that our love could not be disturbed by any incident with others. that our trust of the other could not be diminished by any one person. that this love between us could only reach out in good and really kind ways to others. that we could take people in without losing the love of the other. that we could pass through other's lives with meaning. could be of use to those around us. and, that these times with others only made us a stronger team together. a true marriage of hearts and minds and bodies and wills. capable of extending love... not constraining love. we learned that we are one when there is work to be done with people. when they need us. and that people will recognise this in us. that they will see our openess in our faces. that they will feel welcomed by us. cared for by us. even helped by us, if they need our help. these were good things to see in ourselves together. very good things to see...mostly, to see how strong we are together. how strong this love is: this love can accomplish everything. this love can endure everything. this love is everything for us...and spills over into the world outside of us....
there are times that turn the tides in any relationship. Deeane was only one of many tides we have been through in our short time in the so-called real world together...our hearts and minds, which have held each other close for so many years of our lifetimes, were tested in that little cafe. could our promises to each other hold true? could our love sustain compassion and caring for others? could we admire and appreciate and even love others, and still have our love be the best and strongest of all our feelings for others. could we hold true in the face of any other storms...could we rescue others caught in the waves of those storms of life?...we have found that we can. that we do. Deeane's sweet mouth... we hope it is curling into more smiles now. that her life is good again. that it will always be good....
she moves back to our table. we have left ten dollars. and my Kenndy silver dollar...for good luck. she looks startled...up and down...to the door where we are already no longer there. she puts our little gifts into her pocket...goes over to another table...
would you like some more coffee?...
can I get you anything else?....
Deeane was a waitress. she had, of course, met us as soon as we came into the little cafe for breakfast. I saw the look on your face the moment you saw her. your face suffused with pleasure, and I knew at once. she reminded you of Dorie. the same small and vulnerable frame. more like a child's than a woman's. she was probably in her forties. but, she looked like a young princess should look. a vulnerable, sweet mouth. big gentle brown eyes. tendril of curls all blond and childlike, twisted up upon her head. she held her hands more like a dancer's than like a working woman's. somehow, her hands moved with much efficiency and dexterity, although she seemed new to her work in some way. she was gracious and kind and her smile was like you imagine an angel's would be. you were smitten. you adored her at once. she was the sort of woman Dorie had been and is. strong perhaps. but on many levels, very unprotected. in need of protection. protection you wanted at once to give her. you would have taken her in - in a moment, she had claims on you that held you close. she was your dream. you flirted with her with sweet abandon. unafraid of who I was, there watching you. always I had known: the tiny, sweet, vulnerable, more simple women held sway over you. their small little girl ways and faces. their sweet open mouths. you imagined holding their small selves against your large self. giving them love and home. giving them your largeness. adoring and protecting them all at once....
the amazing part, naturally, was that you were not afraid to show me all of that! trusting that I would protect your own open infatuation and desire. your own delight and adoration of her perfection in your eyes. your trust amazed me: that you would love me so deeply. yet, could fall in love at once for the sweet waitress in the little cafe. you asked her name. Deeane. all along she had made eye contact with you... still, she also made eye contact with me. just as much... I could not help wondering what was happening for her. for, when she made contact with me, I saw mainly a great sorrow in her lovely eyes. she was showing me her sorrow. why, I couldn't imagine... what could I do for her? what could I ever say? what door could open between us? was she responding to your instant love for her? or, was it some grief that she could not keep out of her eyes? I felt a mystery was there. but, what mystery could account for these immediate connections among the three of us?....
We were all dancing this affectionate dance among us, when you got up to go to the restroom...you were gone for a few seconds when she came up to the table again. your coffee cup was still full, but she topped it off in her gracious way. then she looked me straight in the eyes again. she asked if she could ask me a question. I told her of course. she asked if I was the new therapist at the clinic. The Clinic? without explaining, Deeane said that she couldn't see the new therapist, because she couldn't pay and didn't have the coverage. she thought I looked like the new therapist. there was a hesitancy... I took the leap into her unknown: they will see you, I told her. if they know that you're not safe...if they know that things are very bad for you...then they will take you in. her face had never changed in expression the whole time she had been with us. she was wearing a mask. to cover for something very sad. perhaps even abuse... I sensed a husband, or a home with a man. someplace she could not leave for some reason. the sadness was that deep. she needed help that much... she nodded at me, as if to say that she understood. that she would go back to the clinic and try again... then you were coming back and she went on to another duty. she came up one more time while we were there. but she gave no sign that we had communicated so much in such a few minutes....
I do not think we saved her. we were only a small boat of kind strangers passing through her turbulent waters. she saw your delight and kindness. your large protective self. she saw my compassion. my ability to understand her somehow... she wanted to be understood. to reach for the life preserver we threw her so graciously and so, truly, accidentally, in our unconscious delight in her childlike beauty and grace. I can not be sure that she saved herself. I like to think that she went back to the clinic and explained herself better to them. of course, they would take her in. they would work out something about the fee. I'm sure of that. but there is no way we will know. we will never know her well enough to know... probably we will never see her again. we will only hope that she will be saved by love or by therapy or by some more lasting kindness...that all that sorrow will be driven from her innocent and lovely eyes. that only laughter will come from her sweet mouth....
what we learned from our time with Deeane is most important of all that happened there in that little cafe...we always learn bits and pieces about one another from encounters with others around us...small incidents can seem so important at times...at other times, they mean nothing at all....this sweet set of interaction was all about love. it was all about trust. all about the open hearts we have when we are together, you and I. we could see that we could show our feelings in front of the other without shame. without expectations of perfection. without doubt. accepted. for who we really are. taken in. for how we really feel. that our love could not be disturbed by any incident with others. that our trust of the other could not be diminished by any one person. that this love between us could only reach out in good and really kind ways to others. that we could take people in without losing the love of the other. that we could pass through other's lives with meaning. could be of use to those around us. and, that these times with others only made us a stronger team together. a true marriage of hearts and minds and bodies and wills. capable of extending love... not constraining love. we learned that we are one when there is work to be done with people. when they need us. and that people will recognise this in us. that they will see our openess in our faces. that they will feel welcomed by us. cared for by us. even helped by us, if they need our help. these were good things to see in ourselves together. very good things to see...mostly, to see how strong we are together. how strong this love is: this love can accomplish everything. this love can endure everything. this love is everything for us...and spills over into the world outside of us....
there are times that turn the tides in any relationship. Deeane was only one of many tides we have been through in our short time in the so-called real world together...our hearts and minds, which have held each other close for so many years of our lifetimes, were tested in that little cafe. could our promises to each other hold true? could our love sustain compassion and caring for others? could we admire and appreciate and even love others, and still have our love be the best and strongest of all our feelings for others. could we hold true in the face of any other storms...could we rescue others caught in the waves of those storms of life?...we have found that we can. that we do. Deeane's sweet mouth... we hope it is curling into more smiles now. that her life is good again. that it will always be good....
she moves back to our table. we have left ten dollars. and my Kenndy silver dollar...for good luck. she looks startled...up and down...to the door where we are already no longer there. she puts our little gifts into her pocket...goes over to another table...
would you like some more coffee?...
can I get you anything else?....
SMALL STAR LITTLE STAR is Lyrics for Sorrow...for a friend who may lose her sparkle and her light for a bit of a while...or for a long time...over loss - large and true and terrible loss....still, you know, she will rise again...to shine and shine and shine....
SMALL STAR LITTLE STAR
Small star little star
In the city glow -
Not seen in all her glory
For the whole wide sky to know...
Take a ribbon from
The Milky Way...
Tie it in your long brown hair
Then Stay...stay, small star...
You'll shine another night....
Over some grassy field
He'll be there lookin' up -
And he'll see you...
He'll see only you, small star...
Twinklin' eyes of blue...
He'll cry one tear
One tear for a
Small and little star....
One tear..for a
Small and little star....
Small star little star
In the city glow -
Not seen in all her glory
For the whole wide sky to know...
Take a ribbon from
The Milky Way...
Tie it in your long brown hair
Then Stay...stay, small star...
You'll shine another night....
Over some grassy field
He'll be there lookin' up -
And he'll see you...
He'll see only you, small star...
Twinklin' eyes of blue...
He'll cry one tear
One tear for a
Small and little star....
One tear..for a
Small and little star....
3/26/12
OPEN FLOWER SONG is Jazz Lyrics written for Chie Treagus, our talented musician/song-writer/Singer, whose voice holds the timeless and beauiful grace of a Japanese Cherry Blossom...
OPEN FLOWER SONG
CHORUS
One Flower
One Song
Bud to Bloom
Voice to Heart
Listen...See...
Bud to Bloom
Bud to Bloom
____________________
Watched buds bloom...
Took the time to see:
Flower open on one bud
One Flower - tried to see
One Flower...
Took time: each petal
Curl - uncurl - into light...
Cherry Blossom light....
____________________
Heard one voice sing...
One Flower heard -
Bowed white-pink petals
In time...in time....
Heard one voice sing -
A People sing behind her -
Side by side: one flower...
Then, one Song....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
This is silence:
What you hear
When a bud comes to Flower...
Then: what you see:
When a voice opens you...
Hands you over
From bud to bloom
From bud...to bloom....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
CHORUS
One Flower
One Song
Bud to Bloom
Voice to Heart
Listen...See...
Bud to Bloom
Bud to Bloom
____________________
Watched buds bloom...
Took the time to see:
Flower open on one bud
One Flower - tried to see
One Flower...
Took time: each petal
Curl - uncurl - into light...
Cherry Blossom light....
____________________
Heard one voice sing...
One Flower heard -
Bowed white-pink petals
In time...in time....
Heard one voice sing -
A People sing behind her -
Side by side: one flower...
Then, one Song....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
This is silence:
What you hear
When a bud comes to Flower...
Then: what you see:
When a voice opens you...
Hands you over
From bud to bloom
From bud...to bloom....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
3/24/12
LAY DOWN YOUR MISERY Blues is for a Blues Lady I met the other day...whose name I would love to see on some song usin' my lyrics but I can not say her name until she come on board with my old white lady self and share my Blues with me...I'm not a gorgeous Blues Singer like her, but I have had the Blues for True and so I am not ashamed at'all to write about them! so then!!!
LAY DOWN YOUR MISERY Blues
Lay down your Misery -
Lay down your Sorrow Song -
Held on to Misery
Too long - way too long...
Were you so blessed, woman,
Thought you could give away
All of your Best Stuff, baby:
Weren't yours to give, no way...
No way!
__________________
CHORUS
Got some misery to throw away
Into the deep blue sea...
Cuz that lover ain't gonna let go
Til you let that fool be....
Got some Misery to lay down
Sos you can be free... yeah free....
___________________
Doin' on purpose
What you should long'go done:
Take care of your fine self:
You the amazin' one...
You put your self down -
An' all your homies too...
Can't expect from them
What doesn't come from you...
Yeah, you!
___________________
CHORUS
__________________
Tomorrow you'll wake up
To a greater day...
Throw way your miseries -
Jus toss em right away...
You'll leave a sadder life
Yeah, and bad times, too...
If I was you, baby,
I wouldn't be so blue -
Bye, Blues!
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Lay down your Misery -
Lay down your Sorrow Song -
Held on to Misery
Too long - way too long...
Were you so blessed, woman,
Thought you could give away
All of your Best Stuff, baby:
Weren't yours to give, no way...
No way!
__________________
CHORUS
Got some misery to throw away
Into the deep blue sea...
Cuz that lover ain't gonna let go
Til you let that fool be....
Got some Misery to lay down
Sos you can be free... yeah free....
___________________
Doin' on purpose
What you should long'go done:
Take care of your fine self:
You the amazin' one...
You put your self down -
An' all your homies too...
Can't expect from them
What doesn't come from you...
Yeah, you!
___________________
CHORUS
__________________
Tomorrow you'll wake up
To a greater day...
Throw way your miseries -
Jus toss em right away...
You'll leave a sadder life
Yeah, and bad times, too...
If I was you, baby,
I wouldn't be so blue -
Bye, Blues!
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
IT'S ALL ABOUT WINGS is a small tribute lyrics to Poncho (Florence) Barnes, a woman pilot in the early days of American Aviation who was larger than life in so many ways! It's also my True Wish that I could fly...so far, have only made it in my dreams....
IT'S ALL ABOUT WINGS
CHORUS
It's all about wings, darlin'
When you're a sweet bird
Or even a Mayfly up in some sky
Waitin' for a matin'
Singin' and a'flappin'
Gonna get me wings, baby,
by and by
Gotta get me wings, child,
by and by
__________________
I've been divin' down into the sea
Thirty feets deep and sometimes more...
The Ocean is a mighty place to live in -
Still, I want'a be in the Sky much more...
Want'a break through Sound and even Light -
Want'a make a flap with my Self so high:
Not even the Angels will catch my drift -
I'll be clouds of feathers as I fly by!
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
When I think about flyin' I be thinkin'
About Poncho Barnes and her love of flight:
That woman was somethin': a liberated Flyin' Thing -
Flyin' all day and partyin' all night...
I ain't sayin' I want'a be a wild thing -
I'm just sayin': Be nice to get free...
Be good to go up jus above all this misery -
Be great to be flyin' as alive as can be....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
CHORUS
It's all about wings, darlin'
When you're a sweet bird
Or even a Mayfly up in some sky
Waitin' for a matin'
Singin' and a'flappin'
Gonna get me wings, baby,
by and by
Gotta get me wings, child,
by and by
__________________
I've been divin' down into the sea
Thirty feets deep and sometimes more...
The Ocean is a mighty place to live in -
Still, I want'a be in the Sky much more...
Want'a break through Sound and even Light -
Want'a make a flap with my Self so high:
Not even the Angels will catch my drift -
I'll be clouds of feathers as I fly by!
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
When I think about flyin' I be thinkin'
About Poncho Barnes and her love of flight:
That woman was somethin': a liberated Flyin' Thing -
Flyin' all day and partyin' all night...
I ain't sayin' I want'a be a wild thing -
I'm just sayin': Be nice to get free...
Be good to go up jus above all this misery -
Be great to be flyin' as alive as can be....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
SORROW AIN'T NO DRAMA QUEEN is Lyrics in response to when folks may put you down for bein' "too dramatic" when you know full inside: you're simply feelin' Full Sorrow...and you're angry in all that Sorrow...on account of you've been Hurt...and Hurt can be very, very Bad....
SORROW AIN'T NO DRAMA QUEEN
Been thinkin' lately in this rain -
Sorrow in my very soul -
Don't know how to make tears stop...
Not sure how to come back whole....
Ain't too sure what happened here:
It's some train wreck - by and by,
I will find my way home from this -
I will fly some better sky...
___________________
CHORUS
I'm not just some Drama Queen
I'm just hurt and I'm just old
Used to be I had some sass
Used to be so cool and bold
I can't be no smart-mouth now
Sorrow's runnin' deep and strong
Deeper than some mighty river
Fast and hard and very long
__________________
You're so fast to save yourself,
You cant see me gasp for air...
I hear all your blame and hard words -
Judgement 'round me everywhere...
Being honest is my answer:
Plan to take on all as true...
Like I say: I've lived my own way:
Known my self and how I do....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
You are always right and won't see
What it is that you bring on:
Your hard ways you say you can't change -
With your need to see folks wrong...
Tellin' all that you know better -
That you know their lifetime song
Better than they ever can...o
Better than we ever can....
__________________
You want praise just like we all want -
You want love and lovin' too...
You want to be right and rightous -
Bread and roses - all for you...
Everybody wants that, Baby,
Everybody wants that bad...
None of us is gettin' nothin':
That's whats's sad...yeah...that's what's sad....
_________________
CHORUS
________________
Been thinkin' lately in this rain -
Sorrow in my very soul -
Don't know how to make tears stop...
Not sure how to come back whole....
Ain't too sure what happened here:
It's some train wreck - by and by,
I will find my way home from this -
I will fly some better sky...
___________________
CHORUS
I'm not just some Drama Queen
I'm just hurt and I'm just old
Used to be I had some sass
Used to be so cool and bold
I can't be no smart-mouth now
Sorrow's runnin' deep and strong
Deeper than some mighty river
Fast and hard and very long
__________________
You're so fast to save yourself,
You cant see me gasp for air...
I hear all your blame and hard words -
Judgement 'round me everywhere...
Being honest is my answer:
Plan to take on all as true...
Like I say: I've lived my own way:
Known my self and how I do....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
You are always right and won't see
What it is that you bring on:
Your hard ways you say you can't change -
With your need to see folks wrong...
Tellin' all that you know better -
That you know their lifetime song
Better than they ever can...o
Better than we ever can....
__________________
You want praise just like we all want -
You want love and lovin' too...
You want to be right and rightous -
Bread and roses - all for you...
Everybody wants that, Baby,
Everybody wants that bad...
None of us is gettin' nothin':
That's whats's sad...yeah...that's what's sad....
_________________
CHORUS
________________
ONE RIVER TO THE SEA is a Poem...not lyrics...it's about how you feel when you've been hurt, and don't want to get all weird about it...just travelin' on the usual blue-browns of any ol' river goin' to the sea...you can hum along, if you like....
ONE RIVER TO THE SEA
this is a poem, Baby
not a song
you can sing it though
if you want
no birds in flight
no snap of wind
dragonfly rises in the haze
sorry, I'm blue
been
done
played out
human
through and through
rain tomorrow
the hay will smell sweet
the grass, sweeter
river will run blue-brown
I'll run too: blue-brown
carryin' all this sorrow
all the way
to the sea
this is a poem, Baby
not a song
you can sing it though
if you want
no birds in flight
no snap of wind
dragonfly rises in the haze
sorry, I'm blue
been
done
played out
human
through and through
rain tomorrow
the hay will smell sweet
the grass, sweeter
river will run blue-brown
I'll run too: blue-brown
carryin' all this sorrow
all the way
to the sea
3/18/12
DESPERADO WAS A PAL OF MINE is lyrics about how people who don't get enough real lovin' with other people in life, over time just kinda fade away into wishes...the lyrics came to mind while I was practicing the harmonies to DESPERADO, to sing with Pam in some open mic some night....
DESPERADO WAS A PAL OF MINE
CHORUS
Desperado was a pal of mine, ya know
He took 'em as they came an' let 'em go
The years went on and on and he got gray and thin
I always said his times would end up so
_____________________
That queen of hearts she took our hero for a ride
Worse then that diamond queen who let him down
But either way you gotta see he was alone
Those ladies twisted his poor heart jus' all around
And he don't ever much complain, but when it's cold
Then he still hopes that someone warm will come his way
To keep him from those lonely dreams of love gone bad
To keep him from the stillness of each lonely day
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
O Desperado, I am jus' a soul like yours
I cannot see where this is goin', but I see
That you can't touch my hand cuz I am not your kind
An' we've been too alone to wish how it could be
If, like they say, we got to get up off our fences
An' let somebody in who'll bring us some good love
I'll open up your gate if you'll hold to my heart
We'll fall into some life that just might be enough
_______________________
Maybe all this sentiment is jus' a song
Maybe we can't change a thing to bring on joy
Maybe I'll jus' stay a cold, sad queen of jacks
Maybe you'll just stay some desperate, lone cowboy
Of maybe we'll get out of livin' in this song
Maybe we'll get real and we will be free
Or maybe pain and hunger will jus' drive you home
Into my lovin' arms to somehow be with me
_______________________
CHORUS
_______________________
CHORUS
Desperado was a pal of mine, ya know
He took 'em as they came an' let 'em go
The years went on and on and he got gray and thin
I always said his times would end up so
_____________________
That queen of hearts she took our hero for a ride
Worse then that diamond queen who let him down
But either way you gotta see he was alone
Those ladies twisted his poor heart jus' all around
And he don't ever much complain, but when it's cold
Then he still hopes that someone warm will come his way
To keep him from those lonely dreams of love gone bad
To keep him from the stillness of each lonely day
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
O Desperado, I am jus' a soul like yours
I cannot see where this is goin', but I see
That you can't touch my hand cuz I am not your kind
An' we've been too alone to wish how it could be
If, like they say, we got to get up off our fences
An' let somebody in who'll bring us some good love
I'll open up your gate if you'll hold to my heart
We'll fall into some life that just might be enough
_______________________
Maybe all this sentiment is jus' a song
Maybe we can't change a thing to bring on joy
Maybe I'll jus' stay a cold, sad queen of jacks
Maybe you'll just stay some desperate, lone cowboy
Of maybe we'll get out of livin' in this song
Maybe we'll get real and we will be free
Or maybe pain and hunger will jus' drive you home
Into my lovin' arms to somehow be with me
_______________________
CHORUS
_______________________
3/17/12
IN A RANCH PILOT'S PRAISE: MY DAD...are lyrics for my Dad...fortunately I appreciated him, and he, me, for most of our lives together on this planet...I miss him, and always will...he was one of those Large Influences....
IN A RANCH PILOT'S PRAISE: MY DAD
My Dad rowed a barrel down some Louisiana river once't
With his brother Charles jus' like it was some boat -
An' he climbed up upon a horse that was so wild once't:
It bucked him unconsious cuz it'd never been broke...
Yep, he was a wild youngun - and he even rode a motorbike -
He kissed all the girls around and made 'em cry...
But my Dad crooned songs sweeter than ol Blue Eyes -
Made your dance-toes tap to the tunes he sung by....
______________________
CHORUS
I ain't sayin that my Dad was all perfect
But I won't be saying that he was a'tall bad
He was a Dad jus' Bigger than Life was
Around My Dad: you jus' couldn't be sad
_____________________
My mama would say that I was jus' like him
An' she didn't mean that pretty or even very kind -
My Dad was such a wild one with his drinkin' and his runnin' 'round:
Couldn't fault her much for havin' black thoughts on her mind
But he could be a lovin' man - and he worked hard - and
He could joke and dance and make a party Cajun-light -
An' he could ride a horse so sweet - and make you feel his pride in you -
And he could make a home feel safe at night...
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
My Dad was a Son of the Revolution - and he was
A Son of the Confederacy, true - and: an Officer Pilot in the
US Navy: all the way through the Second World War -
Korea times,too....
My Dad was an active Vet - and 'sponsored' in the AA -
They all came to his Funeral salutin' his goodbye...
An' when they played 'Amazin' Grace' - a song he really
Liked alot: I must say: there weren't even one dry eye...
There wasn't even one dry eye....
___________________
My Dad rowed a barrel down some Louisiana river once't
With his brother Charles jus' like it was some boat -
An' he climbed up upon a horse that was so wild once't:
It bucked him unconsious cuz it'd never been broke...
Yep, he was a wild youngun - and he even rode a motorbike -
He kissed all the girls around and made 'em cry...
But my Dad crooned songs sweeter than ol Blue Eyes -
Made your dance-toes tap to the tunes he sung by....
______________________
CHORUS
I ain't sayin that my Dad was all perfect
But I won't be saying that he was a'tall bad
He was a Dad jus' Bigger than Life was
Around My Dad: you jus' couldn't be sad
_____________________
My mama would say that I was jus' like him
An' she didn't mean that pretty or even very kind -
My Dad was such a wild one with his drinkin' and his runnin' 'round:
Couldn't fault her much for havin' black thoughts on her mind
But he could be a lovin' man - and he worked hard - and
He could joke and dance and make a party Cajun-light -
An' he could ride a horse so sweet - and make you feel his pride in you -
And he could make a home feel safe at night...
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
My Dad was a Son of the Revolution - and he was
A Son of the Confederacy, true - and: an Officer Pilot in the
US Navy: all the way through the Second World War -
Korea times,too....
My Dad was an active Vet - and 'sponsored' in the AA -
They all came to his Funeral salutin' his goodbye...
An' when they played 'Amazin' Grace' - a song he really
Liked alot: I must say: there weren't even one dry eye...
There wasn't even one dry eye....
___________________
3/16/12
IN THIS RIVER WE SING is for our good friend Martha's Sister, Sue, and for our dear Martha...
IN THIS RIVER WE SING
CHORUS
We stand in this River
And sing for your Spirit
A Spirit that Lives
Every Day every Night
That all will be good for you
On your Great Journey
That Time will be wings to you
In this sweet Flight
____________________
For you are a human and you are an angel
You are a woman, a person, a child...
Deep inside is all wisdom born
With you while borning...
And you have all wisdom to see
Past this storm....
This is only a weather that
You have to walk through:
Against this kind wind you have
Less now to say...
It carries you homeward
Without any evil -
It's only a guide - for
You're on your own way....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
We want to go with you
But we are less welcome -
This is not our day and
This is not our night...
Your path isn't new to this world
Still, we wonder: it all is
So fresh and it all is so right...
We beat the drum slowly -
The holy ground singing: Life claims
Who you are and who you'll ever be...
We see your road spreading
Straight up to some Great Sky...
Where Ancestors sing with
Your Song, and you're Free....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
CHORUS
We stand in this River
And sing for your Spirit
A Spirit that Lives
Every Day every Night
That all will be good for you
On your Great Journey
That Time will be wings to you
In this sweet Flight
____________________
For you are a human and you are an angel
You are a woman, a person, a child...
Deep inside is all wisdom born
With you while borning...
And you have all wisdom to see
Past this storm....
This is only a weather that
You have to walk through:
Against this kind wind you have
Less now to say...
It carries you homeward
Without any evil -
It's only a guide - for
You're on your own way....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
We want to go with you
But we are less welcome -
This is not our day and
This is not our night...
Your path isn't new to this world
Still, we wonder: it all is
So fresh and it all is so right...
We beat the drum slowly -
The holy ground singing: Life claims
Who you are and who you'll ever be...
We see your road spreading
Straight up to some Great Sky...
Where Ancestors sing with
Your Song, and you're Free....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
3/13/12
ALL THE WAY AROUND THE MOON is 1-2 1-2 1-2 lyrics of the bow and the banjo and bluegrass twangs and fast footwork and free...mainly free up into sky - far as the moon, maybe...
ALL THE WAY AROUND THE MOON
CHORUS
I got dark sides I got light
One side of me be bright - so bright
Other side of me is night - dark night
I'm just a bluegrass lady dancin'
All the way around the moon
__________________
Been a banjo lady been Kentucky sweet -
Swept lots of pretty fine dudes
Straight up off their feet...
I kiss fond n' good and be kindly, too -
Bet I can't get nowheres with the likes of you -
Tho you dance pretty good too, o yeah, fella -
You dance full-a grace, too...
You dance pretty good, too....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
So bounce that bow for the highway home
Wild as jus' anything that's
Swept a dancefloor clean...
I rock them gallows - wake the devil
From his dream so lively: there ain't one
Way you can be blue, o yeah, fella -
You dance 'round the moon, too, yeah -
OK fella, you can dance good, too...
You be a moon dancer too....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
CHORUS
I got dark sides I got light
One side of me be bright - so bright
Other side of me is night - dark night
I'm just a bluegrass lady dancin'
All the way around the moon
__________________
Been a banjo lady been Kentucky sweet -
Swept lots of pretty fine dudes
Straight up off their feet...
I kiss fond n' good and be kindly, too -
Bet I can't get nowheres with the likes of you -
Tho you dance pretty good too, o yeah, fella -
You dance full-a grace, too...
You dance pretty good, too....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
So bounce that bow for the highway home
Wild as jus' anything that's
Swept a dancefloor clean...
I rock them gallows - wake the devil
From his dream so lively: there ain't one
Way you can be blue, o yeah, fella -
You dance 'round the moon, too, yeah -
OK fella, you can dance good, too...
You be a moon dancer too....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
WHITHER WHILE YOU'RE WANDERIN' BLUES are lyrics about those times when, as Richard Farina wrote: you've 'Been Down So Long, Down Looks Like Up To Me'...we are merely physical first and foremost, it turns out...our spirits LIVE...but out bodies give out here and there in not-so-very-nice ways, darn em, and ain't one thing you can really do over time to change that one...but maybe sing the Blues about it all!....
WITHER WHILE YOU'RE WANDERIN' BLUES
CHORUS
I've been fadin' every day
Caught by frights and in harms way
Ain't quite happy Ain't quite sad
All I knows is: feelin' bad
Feelin' very - feelin' real bad
_____________________
Part is sickness part is pain -
Part is loss and none is gain -
None is good and none is right -
Like some weak rain in the night:
Nothin' good comes from this storm -
Won't soak the ground - and won't be warm...
Won't warm me, honey, won't be kind...
Don't want to pay me any mind -
I'm jus' witherin' on the vine...
Jus' witherin' on the vine, poor baby,
Witherin' on the vine....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
I've been wanderin' every which way -
Singin' easy - lovin' away...
Takin' succer where I can, Lord!
Livin' all I could afford...
Like some song bird in a sleet storm:
I can't raise my wings to fly-
Can't be braver than I am -
Won't be braver than I know how -
Won't rest easy till I be home...
Don't know 'bout gettin home at all-
Not be wanderin' any more....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
When you be old like I am, then
You may know years - know where you've been -
But you don't know death or the place
It's fixin' to stop your racin' round...
Like some hobo on that freight train
Headin' off to some kind town -
Hopin' to be well and cheerful -
Hopin' to find friends, warm rooms -
Hopin' to live on forever -
Not be witherin' while I'm wanderin'...
But be thrivin' - bein' strong -
Livin' on strong, all along..
Stronger, all along....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
CHORUS
I've been fadin' every day
Caught by frights and in harms way
Ain't quite happy Ain't quite sad
All I knows is: feelin' bad
Feelin' very - feelin' real bad
_____________________
Part is sickness part is pain -
Part is loss and none is gain -
None is good and none is right -
Like some weak rain in the night:
Nothin' good comes from this storm -
Won't soak the ground - and won't be warm...
Won't warm me, honey, won't be kind...
Don't want to pay me any mind -
I'm jus' witherin' on the vine...
Jus' witherin' on the vine, poor baby,
Witherin' on the vine....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
I've been wanderin' every which way -
Singin' easy - lovin' away...
Takin' succer where I can, Lord!
Livin' all I could afford...
Like some song bird in a sleet storm:
I can't raise my wings to fly-
Can't be braver than I am -
Won't be braver than I know how -
Won't rest easy till I be home...
Don't know 'bout gettin home at all-
Not be wanderin' any more....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
When you be old like I am, then
You may know years - know where you've been -
But you don't know death or the place
It's fixin' to stop your racin' round...
Like some hobo on that freight train
Headin' off to some kind town -
Hopin' to be well and cheerful -
Hopin' to find friends, warm rooms -
Hopin' to live on forever -
Not be witherin' while I'm wanderin'...
But be thrivin' - bein' strong -
Livin' on strong, all along..
Stronger, all along....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
3/10/12
SEA AND SKY BLUES is another in the Blues Series runnin' across my mind and spirit every day lately...illness knows Blues, don't you know it!...I'm sure you do....we've all had the Blues some times or another....
SEA AND SKY BLUES
CHORUS
The Sea and the Sky are the bluest of blues
And you're singin' and sighin' these Blues
You're feelin' so punk and so puny with sorrow
You're singin' and sighin' these Blues
__________________
Give yourself Time, Baby -
Give yourself Space, Darlin -
Give yourself rooms to be bluer than blue...
You don't have to prove your sweet self to me, poor thing,
I'm not even halfways begun lovin' you....
Don't be blue, pretty love, don't be so goldarn blue
That you can't see the Sea for your cryin' so hard -
That you can't raise your soul to that Sky...mmm muummm -
That you can't raise your spirit to that Sky....
__________________
You've let yourself go to the Blues, my dear Loved One -
You've let yourself go to that Sea...
Where nothin' is movin' on - just goin in and out
Like them dark waves tryin' to wash the sands clean...
Ain't been rain from the Sky quite as warm as your tears -
Ain't been no Storm at Sea like your Blues...
You're filled with sorrow so - it be a real shame -
Pity, Pain fills you from head to your shoes...
Pain brings your heart to them Blues....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
I ain't got no questions to move you to joy
And I ain't got the answers to what holds you blue...
But I'll be a friend - sometimes I'll be a lover -
And I'll be a shoulder to cry on, for true...
So go on feelin' Blue till you're done with your Blues -
So go on feelin' bound and alone as you show...
The Sky be awaitin' to bring you good sunshine -
The Sea be alive to bring Joy and, you know:
They Both have known Blues, Babe - we've all had the Blues...
Yeah, Babe, we've known them Blues...known them Blues....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
CHORUS
The Sea and the Sky are the bluest of blues
And you're singin' and sighin' these Blues
You're feelin' so punk and so puny with sorrow
You're singin' and sighin' these Blues
__________________
Give yourself Time, Baby -
Give yourself Space, Darlin -
Give yourself rooms to be bluer than blue...
You don't have to prove your sweet self to me, poor thing,
I'm not even halfways begun lovin' you....
Don't be blue, pretty love, don't be so goldarn blue
That you can't see the Sea for your cryin' so hard -
That you can't raise your soul to that Sky...mmm muummm -
That you can't raise your spirit to that Sky....
__________________
You've let yourself go to the Blues, my dear Loved One -
You've let yourself go to that Sea...
Where nothin' is movin' on - just goin in and out
Like them dark waves tryin' to wash the sands clean...
Ain't been rain from the Sky quite as warm as your tears -
Ain't been no Storm at Sea like your Blues...
You're filled with sorrow so - it be a real shame -
Pity, Pain fills you from head to your shoes...
Pain brings your heart to them Blues....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
I ain't got no questions to move you to joy
And I ain't got the answers to what holds you blue...
But I'll be a friend - sometimes I'll be a lover -
And I'll be a shoulder to cry on, for true...
So go on feelin' Blue till you're done with your Blues -
So go on feelin' bound and alone as you show...
The Sky be awaitin' to bring you good sunshine -
The Sea be alive to bring Joy and, you know:
They Both have known Blues, Babe - we've all had the Blues...
Yeah, Babe, we've known them Blues...known them Blues....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
ALL GONE AWAY FAR BLUES are Lyrics I wrote after almost four weeks of havin' a really, really BAD VIRUS take over a lot of my Life Energy in spite of Blue and Birdsong....it's been a bit of a Muse, ironically enough: I'm writing like a crazy woman, since I just can't move a'tall....sigh and sing...sigh and sign them Blues.....
ALL GONE AWAY FAR BLUES
CHORUS
Where Time and Space go
I'm gone away far
Gone away far to where memories go
And I ain't gonna lie
It's been such a good Time
That I'm never bein' ready
To ever go home
____________________
Here where it's quiet, the world is just dreamin' -
Life's breathin' me out and it's breathin' me in...
I ain't got no notion to even go travelin' -
This funny old body has no will to win....
Not givin' up Hope - I'm just givin' up Justice:
Just can't see the way to go on without pain...
Whatever I've found in this Life is so special,
I think I've 'bout gotten all that I can gain....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
So beat the drum slowly, Babe, I'm about ready
To let it all go or to keep it goin' on...
I love to feel rain and I love to feel sunshine -
There's so many reasons to sing all life long....
So take my hands now, Dear, and hold them and warm them -
I want to keep kissin' and I want to love you...
There's so many ways that I want to keep livin',
I can't believe Old Death is tryin' to break through....
_____________________
CHORUS
____________________
I'll give myself over for song and for weepin' -
I'll hand myself over to joy and to dance...
I'll lay on the grass and I'll let the sky fill me -
I'll take on my Life and I'll give it a chance....
Cuz the winds of sweet Spring and the clouds are all wavin'
Me on like the waves wash the sands from the sea...
As long as there's breath in this hard-workin' soul of mine
I'll live my life and I'll let these Blues be....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
CHORUS
Where Time and Space go
I'm gone away far
Gone away far to where memories go
And I ain't gonna lie
It's been such a good Time
That I'm never bein' ready
To ever go home
____________________
Here where it's quiet, the world is just dreamin' -
Life's breathin' me out and it's breathin' me in...
I ain't got no notion to even go travelin' -
This funny old body has no will to win....
Not givin' up Hope - I'm just givin' up Justice:
Just can't see the way to go on without pain...
Whatever I've found in this Life is so special,
I think I've 'bout gotten all that I can gain....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
So beat the drum slowly, Babe, I'm about ready
To let it all go or to keep it goin' on...
I love to feel rain and I love to feel sunshine -
There's so many reasons to sing all life long....
So take my hands now, Dear, and hold them and warm them -
I want to keep kissin' and I want to love you...
There's so many ways that I want to keep livin',
I can't believe Old Death is tryin' to break through....
_____________________
CHORUS
____________________
I'll give myself over for song and for weepin' -
I'll hand myself over to joy and to dance...
I'll lay on the grass and I'll let the sky fill me -
I'll take on my Life and I'll give it a chance....
Cuz the winds of sweet Spring and the clouds are all wavin'
Me on like the waves wash the sands from the sea...
As long as there's breath in this hard-workin' soul of mine
I'll live my life and I'll let these Blues be....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
LAUGH LIKE A COWGIRL COMIN' THROUGH THE DOOR is, I hope!, a Country and Western Lyrics...it's got a twang anyway...and I've used the title in a poem or two...I just like that line...it reaches some place in East Texas where I must have been in some other lifetime....maybe in my Dad's, which was on a horse on his familiar western saddle...in East Texas, for certain.....
LAUGH LIKE A COWGIRL COMIN' THROUGH THE DOOR
CHORUS
Laugh like a Cowgirl Comin' through that door
Not afraid to dance just anything
To juke-box tunes all western-sweet
Just dance them Cowboys off their feet
____________________
You got boots all spangled twirlin' bright
That tourquoise-silver belt buckle's shinin'
Your waist is tiny in your denim skirt
Your lips a bright red streak across the night
That cowgirl stetson suits your curls so well
That cowgirl shirt fits cross-your-heart just so
There ain't a feller in this place who just don't want ya
But none of them are gonna' let it show
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
If I had money I would take you out now
I'd show you bars and stars and pretty things
I'd put a deerskin jacket 'cross your pretty shoulders
I'd make sure you'd have a big ol' diamond ring
But I ain't rich and I ain't wise, girl
I'm just a rodeo clown and I don't see
Just what you're laughin' at across this crowded room
I'm just prayin' that you're pickin' me
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
Ya know, a cowboy's rarely scared of anything
His home's the saddle - bunkhouse is his bed
He never has a chance ta think of settlin' down
Love ain't got a purchase in his head
But when he sees a gal like you his heart is roped-in
Like some dumb calf who hasn't got a chance
He's gonna be brought down by laughin'
With some fun cowgirl woman in some dance
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
CHORUS
Laugh like a Cowgirl Comin' through that door
Not afraid to dance just anything
To juke-box tunes all western-sweet
Just dance them Cowboys off their feet
____________________
You got boots all spangled twirlin' bright
That tourquoise-silver belt buckle's shinin'
Your waist is tiny in your denim skirt
Your lips a bright red streak across the night
That cowgirl stetson suits your curls so well
That cowgirl shirt fits cross-your-heart just so
There ain't a feller in this place who just don't want ya
But none of them are gonna' let it show
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
If I had money I would take you out now
I'd show you bars and stars and pretty things
I'd put a deerskin jacket 'cross your pretty shoulders
I'd make sure you'd have a big ol' diamond ring
But I ain't rich and I ain't wise, girl
I'm just a rodeo clown and I don't see
Just what you're laughin' at across this crowded room
I'm just prayin' that you're pickin' me
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
Ya know, a cowboy's rarely scared of anything
His home's the saddle - bunkhouse is his bed
He never has a chance ta think of settlin' down
Love ain't got a purchase in his head
But when he sees a gal like you his heart is roped-in
Like some dumb calf who hasn't got a chance
He's gonna be brought down by laughin'
With some fun cowgirl woman in some dance
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
3/9/12
DOWN THE TRACKS BLUES SALT AND TEARS is loose blues and is a poem and is just the reminder that tears and the sea are the real cure to just about everything and you got to be brave and jump the train to the Gulf at New Orleans if you really want Blues and Salt....
DOWN THE TRACKS BLUES SALT AND TEARS
has tracks running under
this little bridge out to
nowhere special
but far away
from anything
salt and tears
I rarely see the train
when I do my throat
catches with longing
I see its wheels going
smoothly even
carelessly down the tracks
as if it was everyday
a common thing
to leave this empty
place that is no
longer mine
I want to go home
with you
want us to jump
this train
like hobos
used to do
carelessly
still very
carefully so as
not to fall
under to the
tracks
I want to go along
the river
winding tracks
to somewhere
maybe even
to the sea
there will be no
waiting there
we will be home
too hobos
looking for a
life together
home being
where ever there is
river
sea
open sky
maybe even
New Orleans
the cry of the
midnight train
moving down
the delta track
to a city
a heron over
a salt estuary
a sultry bed
under the stars
arms
that are free
to hold
and hold
while the rhythm
of the wheels
on the track
sings
freedom
sea and tears
heal just everything
sorta like
love
love baby
baby
baby
baby
has tracks running under
this little bridge out to
nowhere special
but far away
from anything
salt and tears
I rarely see the train
when I do my throat
catches with longing
I see its wheels going
smoothly even
carelessly down the tracks
as if it was everyday
a common thing
to leave this empty
place that is no
longer mine
I want to go home
with you
want us to jump
this train
like hobos
used to do
carelessly
still very
carefully so as
not to fall
under to the
tracks
I want to go along
the river
winding tracks
to somewhere
maybe even
to the sea
there will be no
waiting there
we will be home
too hobos
looking for a
life together
home being
where ever there is
river
sea
open sky
maybe even
New Orleans
the cry of the
midnight train
moving down
the delta track
to a city
a heron over
a salt estuary
a sultry bed
under the stars
arms
that are free
to hold
and hold
while the rhythm
of the wheels
on the track
sings
freedom
sea and tears
heal just everything
sorta like
love
love baby
baby
baby
baby
3/8/12
THE WIND IN THE GLEN is an effort to write an Irish Pop sort-of lyrics without being too sentimental about the language and so on....I'll try some more this March, until I get it quite right, lad!....
THE WIND IN THE GLEN
CHORUS
Down on the river banks, dear lad,
You took my breath away
With kissin' and with lovin'
So you held my heart in sway
But I was not a girl again
And you no village boy
We'd been around the moon, dear lad,
Known sorrow, yeah, and joy
____________________
Til all the salmon run downhill, my lad,
Til the Atlantic waves go dry -
Til winds do never sweep these glens, my lad,
Til ravens in the dark rocks fill the sky...
You'll be my love, lad, you'll be my love then...
And we will never go astray -
We'll fill the night with our own fine stars, lad,
We'll have no fear, lad, for each new day....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
You'll bring me lightly to the grass, lad,
All the Sycamore trees will bow right down -
We'll raise the glass then for all this love, lad,
We'll touch the bow, then, for all we've found...
You in my arms: my sweetest joy, lad,
You in my heart can do no harm -
The holy ground rise up and meet us...
We are now One, lad, that is our charm....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
CHORUS
Down on the river banks, dear lad,
You took my breath away
With kissin' and with lovin'
So you held my heart in sway
But I was not a girl again
And you no village boy
We'd been around the moon, dear lad,
Known sorrow, yeah, and joy
____________________
Til all the salmon run downhill, my lad,
Til the Atlantic waves go dry -
Til winds do never sweep these glens, my lad,
Til ravens in the dark rocks fill the sky...
You'll be my love, lad, you'll be my love then...
And we will never go astray -
We'll fill the night with our own fine stars, lad,
We'll have no fear, lad, for each new day....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
You'll bring me lightly to the grass, lad,
All the Sycamore trees will bow right down -
We'll raise the glass then for all this love, lad,
We'll touch the bow, then, for all we've found...
You in my arms: my sweetest joy, lad,
You in my heart can do no harm -
The holy ground rise up and meet us...
We are now One, lad, that is our charm....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
3/4/12
WHEN BLUES ARE RISIN' GREEN is about bein' kind when your Loved-One is bein' Blue...movin' the colors of her or his Spirit around in Song...so that there will be some lightening-up!....
WHEN BLUES ARE RISIN' GREEN
CHORUS
Well, green's the color of Hope
O Darlin' - Blues are gray with blue
I've been hopin' sweetly green
That all our Blues are through
That these Blue Times be through
That our Blue times are too...
That our Bue times are too....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
Sing me down some golden, Baby,
'Stead of this Blue song -
I've been waitin' for some sun
To push dark clouds along...
We always be mopin', Sweet Thing,
Thinkin' Blues will spirit away...
You know you gotta' work it, Child,
For silver linings in your day....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
You can paint these walls all brown
Where yellow roses used'ta grow -
I can't stop you frownin' purple
Where red lips kissin' should go...
And I can make a day go green
Aurora Borealis night -
But I can't lift your spirits for ya
Into prism-colored light....
____________________
CHORUS
___________________
Take this paint box where my heart is
Take the colors one by two -
Paint yourself some rosy glasses
You can see our future through...
I am going to paint some Rainbow
In the sky and watch it dance -
All the colors of my Blues
About this kind green-new romance....
____________________
CHORUS
___________________
CHORUS
Well, green's the color of Hope
O Darlin' - Blues are gray with blue
I've been hopin' sweetly green
That all our Blues are through
That these Blue Times be through
That our Blue times are too...
That our Bue times are too....
___________________
CHORUS
___________________
Sing me down some golden, Baby,
'Stead of this Blue song -
I've been waitin' for some sun
To push dark clouds along...
We always be mopin', Sweet Thing,
Thinkin' Blues will spirit away...
You know you gotta' work it, Child,
For silver linings in your day....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
You can paint these walls all brown
Where yellow roses used'ta grow -
I can't stop you frownin' purple
Where red lips kissin' should go...
And I can make a day go green
Aurora Borealis night -
But I can't lift your spirits for ya
Into prism-colored light....
____________________
CHORUS
___________________
Take this paint box where my heart is
Take the colors one by two -
Paint yourself some rosy glasses
You can see our future through...
I am going to paint some Rainbow
In the sky and watch it dance -
All the colors of my Blues
About this kind green-new romance....
____________________
CHORUS
___________________
BLUES GOT WINGS is the fourth lyrics of the Blues Series...it's so about the recycling of 'Them Blues' into each and every real life...you hardly know where and how to stand...but you do finally stand again at the edge of Hope...and if you got wings...maybe you even FLY.....
BLUES GOT WINGS
CHORUS
Them Blues got wings
They likely fly
I'm goin' with them - yes I am -
Goin' to fly higher
Very high
Goin' to fly higher
Very high....
__________________
Been down here now a long, long time -
Been over done here too -
Been done with love and done with hate -
Been done fightin' though....
Been over-worked - yes, underpaid -
Been ravaged by them Winds and Rain -
Been circled by the Fires of Hell -
Been made to feel cold and insane....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Been lost and lonely - and so blue -
Been crazed by hope and caught in dreams -
Been touched by sorrow's scratch and snarl -
Been shown Life ain't all that it seems -
Been scorned by joy and danced with evil -
Been so afraid to raise my heart -
Been caught up hidin' in my own soul -
Been too lost to catch the spark....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Been left for dead and left for livin' -
Been in anger and in pain -
Been so used to bein' wasted -
Been so poor could see no gain -
Been a begger and a saint child -
Been at work at every thing -
Been a parent to my spirit -
Been at sea 'bout what Blues bring....
___________________
CHORUS
__________________
CHORUS
Them Blues got wings
They likely fly
I'm goin' with them - yes I am -
Goin' to fly higher
Very high
Goin' to fly higher
Very high....
__________________
Been down here now a long, long time -
Been over done here too -
Been done with love and done with hate -
Been done fightin' though....
Been over-worked - yes, underpaid -
Been ravaged by them Winds and Rain -
Been circled by the Fires of Hell -
Been made to feel cold and insane....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Been lost and lonely - and so blue -
Been crazed by hope and caught in dreams -
Been touched by sorrow's scratch and snarl -
Been shown Life ain't all that it seems -
Been scorned by joy and danced with evil -
Been so afraid to raise my heart -
Been caught up hidin' in my own soul -
Been too lost to catch the spark....
__________________
CHORUS
__________________
Been left for dead and left for livin' -
Been in anger and in pain -
Been so used to bein' wasted -
Been so poor could see no gain -
Been a begger and a saint child -
Been at work at every thing -
Been a parent to my spirit -
Been at sea 'bout what Blues bring....
___________________
CHORUS
__________________
MUD SLIDE BLUES is the third in the Blues Series...it's a pity party for a person on a Mud Slide...could be sad...could be just the sorry results of some ill wind...or an untoward hangover - the morning after....
MUD SLIDE BLUES
When your house went down that Mud Slide
In Mill Valley - years ago -
I thought it would make you humble -
Make you really learn to know:
What it's like to have like Nothin' -
What it's like to scrimp and save -
Didn't get you were above me:
Couldn't know how you'd behave!
_____________________
CHORUS
Cuz I was born a Mud Slide Baby
I was born to sing these Blues
I was given feet of clay
and your were given Golden Shoes
You could run away in seconds
Over silver roads and all
And them Rescue Dudes would catch you
In their nets - you'd never fall
_____________________
I was raised to be a Loser -
You was born to win and win...
Even if you were a thing of harm -
ya know: you couldn't sin...
I was told I was a Bad One
least a dozen times a day -
You were petted like an angel:
You just did things all your way....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
O lordy! just ta bring you down
Into this Mud I wallow through -
You're just too good for me, Baby -
And I ain't no good for you -
So I'm just sittin on this Mud slide
Where we parted years ago -
You went on to bigger - better -
I ain't got a thing to show....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
When your house went down that Mud Slide
In Mill Valley - years ago -
I thought it would make you humble -
Make you really learn to know:
What it's like to have like Nothin' -
What it's like to scrimp and save -
Didn't get you were above me:
Couldn't know how you'd behave!
_____________________
CHORUS
Cuz I was born a Mud Slide Baby
I was born to sing these Blues
I was given feet of clay
and your were given Golden Shoes
You could run away in seconds
Over silver roads and all
And them Rescue Dudes would catch you
In their nets - you'd never fall
_____________________
I was raised to be a Loser -
You was born to win and win...
Even if you were a thing of harm -
ya know: you couldn't sin...
I was told I was a Bad One
least a dozen times a day -
You were petted like an angel:
You just did things all your way....
_____________________
CHORUS
_____________________
O lordy! just ta bring you down
Into this Mud I wallow through -
You're just too good for me, Baby -
And I ain't no good for you -
So I'm just sittin on this Mud slide
Where we parted years ago -
You went on to bigger - better -
I ain't got a thing to show....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
SUNNY DAY BLUES is the second of a Blues Series that's pushin' through like a diver in a kelp bed off this coast...I'm goin' on down to where the sun filters through the water and kelp fronds above me...holdin' on the kelp hold-fast like a tree trunk...just watchin' the wild life go on by....
SUNNY DAY BLUES
CHORUS
Some rainy days I hold the Blues
Close to my heart and let them sing
All mournful wail - but nothin's worse
Than Sunny Day Blues
Than Sunny Day Blues
_____________________
You walked the beach with me that day
Rememberin' sandy winds and sun...
Told me don't just give your heart
So quick away to anyone - You're not that easy - not for just anyone....
I held you hand - a restless bird
With wings all flutterin' tame but free...
You wouldn't give your heart away - you said -
Not even, dear, for me....o no you don't...no, no...you won't....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
I ain't complainin' yet you know -
I'm not afraid - or stupid - well...
It's not like Sunny Days are heaven -
Not like Rainy Days are hell...no promises...I know...yeah, I know....
So hold my hand a little lighter -
Ain't all bummed by what's gone through...
You may not be the Best for me (sweet baby)
I may not be the Best for you...that might be true...might be....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
You know I could be Everything
You ever want or say you're missin'
I could be warm arms all around you
Filled with hope and love and kissin' - yes, I could...you know that....
But all you do is bring some Rain
Into what was a Sunny Day -
I got the Blues and I'm just guessin'
It's sure gonna Storm today...there's gonna be a storm, sweet love...o yes...a Storm...feel it comin'....
_______________________
CHORUS
______________________
CHORUS
Some rainy days I hold the Blues
Close to my heart and let them sing
All mournful wail - but nothin's worse
Than Sunny Day Blues
Than Sunny Day Blues
_____________________
You walked the beach with me that day
Rememberin' sandy winds and sun...
Told me don't just give your heart
So quick away to anyone - You're not that easy - not for just anyone....
I held you hand - a restless bird
With wings all flutterin' tame but free...
You wouldn't give your heart away - you said -
Not even, dear, for me....o no you don't...no, no...you won't....
____________________
CHORUS
____________________
I ain't complainin' yet you know -
I'm not afraid - or stupid - well...
It's not like Sunny Days are heaven -
Not like Rainy Days are hell...no promises...I know...yeah, I know....
So hold my hand a little lighter -
Ain't all bummed by what's gone through...
You may not be the Best for me (sweet baby)
I may not be the Best for you...that might be true...might be....
______________________
CHORUS
______________________
You know I could be Everything
You ever want or say you're missin'
I could be warm arms all around you
Filled with hope and love and kissin' - yes, I could...you know that....
But all you do is bring some Rain
Into what was a Sunny Day -
I got the Blues and I'm just guessin'
It's sure gonna Storm today...there's gonna be a storm, sweet love...o yes...a Storm...feel it comin'....
_______________________
CHORUS
______________________
3/1/12
APPLES FROM AN OLDER TREE is Lyrics reflecting this time of the year when we sing of Ireland and Lost Loves and The Holy Ground, and what it is to walk in a fine orchard of old apple trees....
APPLES FROM AN OLDER TREE
CHORUS
Like apples from some older tree
Wind-fallin' all this love to you
All across this holy ground
That covers every seed and waits
For some sweet rain to come along
To sprout our love again
Like some sweet apple tree
__________________________
We used'ta walk this orchard ground
Together hand in hand...
We found some fields of mustard greens -
We spoke of fertile land
We thought we'd husband this kind ground
And make this olden farm our own...
We'd live on love and mustard greens
And apples - this would be our home....
_________________________
CHORUS
________________________
Well you were from the city, lad -
And me, I was a country miss...
You were romantic - hands all soft -
Much softer than your lovin' kiss....
We had no work - we had no way -
And had we one handfull of earth:
We could have known, that sunny day,
What we had then - what it was worth....
________________________
CHORUS
________________________
For we were young and could not know
How old and frail was that fine tree
That cast its apples to our feet -
That nothin' was for you, for me...
The holy ground would cover all -
For all was leavin' - lost, dear lad...
Our love was but a windfall, dear,
Small Harvest then - and, somehow: sad....
________________________
CHORUS
________________________
CHORUS
Like apples from some older tree
Wind-fallin' all this love to you
All across this holy ground
That covers every seed and waits
For some sweet rain to come along
To sprout our love again
Like some sweet apple tree
__________________________
We used'ta walk this orchard ground
Together hand in hand...
We found some fields of mustard greens -
We spoke of fertile land
We thought we'd husband this kind ground
And make this olden farm our own...
We'd live on love and mustard greens
And apples - this would be our home....
_________________________
CHORUS
________________________
Well you were from the city, lad -
And me, I was a country miss...
You were romantic - hands all soft -
Much softer than your lovin' kiss....
We had no work - we had no way -
And had we one handfull of earth:
We could have known, that sunny day,
What we had then - what it was worth....
________________________
CHORUS
________________________
For we were young and could not know
How old and frail was that fine tree
That cast its apples to our feet -
That nothin' was for you, for me...
The holy ground would cover all -
For all was leavin' - lost, dear lad...
Our love was but a windfall, dear,
Small Harvest then - and, somehow: sad....
________________________
CHORUS
________________________
VARIATIONS ON A THEME...is a simple Vignette...on how little our Essential Selves change over the decades...how often we seem, merely, Variations on our own Themes of Life...I wonder, still....
VARIATIONS ON A THEME
People change. that's what people say. but you know, I'm not too sure. not at all. every one I've ever known seems just to be playing variations on the themes that make them who they are. if you've know them long enough, you can see it clear. they are all the same as when they were kids. children inside, in so many ways... clear and easy to see. you just got to look right. into their eyes is best....
Dave M was a perfect example, I thought. He had been so much fun as a kid, at times... he was the class clown. sometimes he got really angry. lost his temper. he was the kind of kid who could change on you. he would be joking. then he'd be setting you crying. being mean. so mean, you would cry. really unkind stuff. like that you had a bad smell. or pimples. or stringy hair. or were too small. or too tall. didn't matter. he's just be mean. smiling all the way while he made you feel bad about yourself. sometimes he would turn around in his desk and sneeze into your face. when you made a stink about that, the nun just yelled at both of you. but he was so yucky like that. a lot....
When he got older, in high school, he got stuck into a Catholic Military School. he was fat in his uniform. had bad acne himself. so now he would just attack direct. nothing funny about it. he could be cruel for sure. like when I walked into the wrong restroom, on account of not having my eyeglasses on, and being myopic and all.,, he asked me to dance. and I agreed to dance with him, because no one else had asked me...yet. and he asked, with that nice smile on his face, if I had been in the Boys Room. I looked him right in the pimpled face and said: No, that I hadn't been. that took care of that conversation. but he had gotten me. and we both knew it.
I used to hope that guys like him would have unhappy lives. but I wasn't mean enough to hope that kind of thing for more than a minute or two. then I'd start to feel actually a bit sorry for him: someone who had to put people down all the time - in order to make it himself. in order to feel OK about his big mean self. I couldn't hold the grudge. but I wanted to hold one...I wanted to grow up to be a swan from my obvious and very long ugly-duckling stage... then I'd run into him and he'd see that I was actually gloriously good-looking and smart and all. that he had been wrong to be so mean to me so often....
Here's what actually happened. I was back in my home town. I was actually gloriously good-looking. also intelligent-looking, I might add. I was just checking out my old haunts with my sisters. being all reminiscent and nostalgic. We drove past a Used-Car Lot. and there stood Dave M. I was sure it was him. he was still very fat. and tall. and a bit acne-splotched still. he just happened to look up and saw me. he blushed. turned really, really red. looked flustered. then he looked angry: What you staring at, Lady? Do I know you?...No, you don't...anymore....l used to know you in grade school and a couple of times in high school. that's it: that's what I said.
I knew I was looking at him with pity, tho I didn't mean to. I wanted to look compassionate. or maybe even kind - or at least neutral... but you know, I couldn't fake it. I wanted to. but what came out was just raw pity: he just hadn't changed at all. it was written on his face. his body talked the same. the same clowning... but under all smiles, the mean kid. here we were, like, fifteen years older and should have been wiser... but were not.
I could still be hurt by his mean self. and, he could do the mean bit just as good as ever.
I was simply floored. I was so not 'together'. he was so not 'together' as well... there should have been changes. we should have been able to be kind to each other. because of knowing more about life. on account of having gone through more - being experienced and all. having seen the world. had kids (well, at least I had...didn't know about him)...we were so much older. it should have showed somehow. we should have been more capable humans. instead, it was the same old stimulus. same old response. what was it about this that was nagging at me? maybe it was the fates: that we all are still, inside, who we always were... and where does human will come in there? gotta wonder...I was standing there wondering....
Do you want to buy a car, or what?
hmmmmm. I think I want the 'what'...
I want to know why we are so much the same person all of our lives.
why we play out our lives like variations of the same old theme...
and we call that growth. or maturing. or being grown-up. adult.
or not....
I really want to know!
No thanks, I said...
Just looking....
we drove quietly away....
People change. that's what people say. but you know, I'm not too sure. not at all. every one I've ever known seems just to be playing variations on the themes that make them who they are. if you've know them long enough, you can see it clear. they are all the same as when they were kids. children inside, in so many ways... clear and easy to see. you just got to look right. into their eyes is best....
Dave M was a perfect example, I thought. He had been so much fun as a kid, at times... he was the class clown. sometimes he got really angry. lost his temper. he was the kind of kid who could change on you. he would be joking. then he'd be setting you crying. being mean. so mean, you would cry. really unkind stuff. like that you had a bad smell. or pimples. or stringy hair. or were too small. or too tall. didn't matter. he's just be mean. smiling all the way while he made you feel bad about yourself. sometimes he would turn around in his desk and sneeze into your face. when you made a stink about that, the nun just yelled at both of you. but he was so yucky like that. a lot....
When he got older, in high school, he got stuck into a Catholic Military School. he was fat in his uniform. had bad acne himself. so now he would just attack direct. nothing funny about it. he could be cruel for sure. like when I walked into the wrong restroom, on account of not having my eyeglasses on, and being myopic and all.,, he asked me to dance. and I agreed to dance with him, because no one else had asked me...yet. and he asked, with that nice smile on his face, if I had been in the Boys Room. I looked him right in the pimpled face and said: No, that I hadn't been. that took care of that conversation. but he had gotten me. and we both knew it.
I used to hope that guys like him would have unhappy lives. but I wasn't mean enough to hope that kind of thing for more than a minute or two. then I'd start to feel actually a bit sorry for him: someone who had to put people down all the time - in order to make it himself. in order to feel OK about his big mean self. I couldn't hold the grudge. but I wanted to hold one...I wanted to grow up to be a swan from my obvious and very long ugly-duckling stage... then I'd run into him and he'd see that I was actually gloriously good-looking and smart and all. that he had been wrong to be so mean to me so often....
Here's what actually happened. I was back in my home town. I was actually gloriously good-looking. also intelligent-looking, I might add. I was just checking out my old haunts with my sisters. being all reminiscent and nostalgic. We drove past a Used-Car Lot. and there stood Dave M. I was sure it was him. he was still very fat. and tall. and a bit acne-splotched still. he just happened to look up and saw me. he blushed. turned really, really red. looked flustered. then he looked angry: What you staring at, Lady? Do I know you?...No, you don't...anymore....l used to know you in grade school and a couple of times in high school. that's it: that's what I said.
I knew I was looking at him with pity, tho I didn't mean to. I wanted to look compassionate. or maybe even kind - or at least neutral... but you know, I couldn't fake it. I wanted to. but what came out was just raw pity: he just hadn't changed at all. it was written on his face. his body talked the same. the same clowning... but under all smiles, the mean kid. here we were, like, fifteen years older and should have been wiser... but were not.
I could still be hurt by his mean self. and, he could do the mean bit just as good as ever.
I was simply floored. I was so not 'together'. he was so not 'together' as well... there should have been changes. we should have been able to be kind to each other. because of knowing more about life. on account of having gone through more - being experienced and all. having seen the world. had kids (well, at least I had...didn't know about him)...we were so much older. it should have showed somehow. we should have been more capable humans. instead, it was the same old stimulus. same old response. what was it about this that was nagging at me? maybe it was the fates: that we all are still, inside, who we always were... and where does human will come in there? gotta wonder...I was standing there wondering....
Do you want to buy a car, or what?
hmmmmm. I think I want the 'what'...
I want to know why we are so much the same person all of our lives.
why we play out our lives like variations of the same old theme...
and we call that growth. or maturing. or being grown-up. adult.
or not....
I really want to know!
No thanks, I said...
Just looking....
we drove quietly away....
THE MANTRA...is not actually a joke-piece...but it is funny...in the nature of strange events in anyone's life being 'funny'...it's all 'true' tho - it all really happened...and just this way....
THE MANTRA
I want to be clear, here. I have never had a Mantra. That means, I think, that I've never had sounds or phrases or a saying of some kind, that I could repeat over and over again to put myself into a state of Meditation. Or, to stay in a state of meditation. Or, to encourage deep breathing. or 'empty mind'. or sitting still, even. I don't have any flexibility in my spine and legs to sit in a meditation posture anyway. I am very envious of those legs that can fold so gracefully into the Lotus Position. People in Lotus look so calm and centered and all. Sometimes they look a little smug, I've noticed, but that my be the envy talkin'. I am not that enamored of 'empty mind'. I'm fond of the busy-ness in my mind. A lot of people really respect 'empty mind' tho, and I do not fault them. I am a great fan of deep, purposeful breathing. That kind of breathing has saved life and sanity for me many a time... Anyway, I never bought a Mantra.
Well, I don't remember anyone actually telling me they BOUGHT their Mantra. Their "personal" and very special Mantra had been GIVEN to them, by a Teacher who was blessed, or possibly even hired directly, for his/her ability to devise, or see, or 'channel' Mantras for the rest of us who might need or want one. These people had a special sort of gift and a source for these sounds and sayings, and a talent for passing on these Mantras in ritual effectively, so that the Mantra stuck! Still, most people I knew, especially back in the late 70s and early 80s seemed to have paid for this blessing, or at least for having the Mantra Person available to find and 'give' them their Mantra. This was my perception of the whole transaction anyway. I may be wrong here. Corrections will be humbly accepted. But, that's how it all looked to me at the time....
So, anyway, I don't have a Mantra.I suspect I'm going to go through life without one, but you never know...I did try to create one, once. It was the sound: Arie, pronounced like air-ee, like where eagles nest, or where they keep birds - a bird reservation...I would make the sound over and over until I relaxed, which was pretty soon. I'm a cat-napper, so it's easy for me to relax at once, on cue! Arie was a nice cue-sound. I did it a lot for awhile, in between singing I Am A Bubble, Make Me the Sea, by all-time-favorite relaxant song.
There are two times that this Mantra business came up socially in my life, tho, years apart, and then never again. Both involved guys who were genuine Spiritual Leaders for a lot of people at the time. They both still are. I'm not going to change their names, (although, actually, I can't even really remember one of the names, so just bear with me here...) One encounter happened in the 70s, as I recall, the other in the early 80s or late 70s. Some time around there. The first happened In Evanston, Illinois. The second, Oakland California. Both incidents were unsolicited and unintentional and, truly, completely unexpected. Also, I have to add, unexplained and uninterpreted then, and to this very day. Both have meanings only as STORIES. They were NOT Spiritual Awakenings or even like a little travel alarm going off in my psyche. They just happened, Coincidence?...I think SO!
The first remembrance is of a 'tea' or reception of some kind, that I recall being at my friend BB's apartment, but it may have been some other small reception site. I think she had been the main coordinator or facilitator or organizer, or one of them, anyway, of a Chicago Event featuring the well-known, (already) Baba Ram Dass. I suppose a lot of you know something about Ram Dass. You can look him up on the net. Interesting life. At the time, (early 70s?), he was very, very 'in', with his book, especially (Be Here Now). (a GOOD place to be, often, I may point out.) I knew my BB felt him to be a VERY important person for her to learn from, and that was enough for me. I attended the event, I assume, but I don't actually recall it, so maybe not...Anyway, this is just about my encounter with him at this reception.
People were milling all around this Guy, with a capital G! He looked very relaxed and a little shorter than I expected him to be (I have a 'thing' for shorter men - a good 'thing'.) People were coming up and telling him how important he was in their lives and listening to him carefully, ( for repetition later, of course, with other devotees). Everyone was very happy, it looked to me, to be there. I was happy too! And, the food was very good, always a plus. So, I went up to say my "Hi".
I can't recall what I did say, to tell you the truth. That's because, what HE said took over the whole scene for me. He listened nicely to my babble, and then he looked a little quizzically at me, tho smiling broadly, and he said back, "WELL, ANYWAY, YOUR MANTRA HASN'T CHANGED!". Then, still smiling, since my response had been effectively terminated before it even began, for heavens sake, he turned to the next person waiting to speak to him. I went back to whatever you do at receptions after you've had your one minute of fame. I can't remember actually FEELING, and certainly not THINKING anything! 'It', whatever 'it' was, had just happened. I let 'it' go. I did not check to see where 'it' had gone....
I feel compelled to remind you now, that I did not HAVE a Mantra. I did not intend to get one. He didn't give me one either. So what he said, was, well, naturally, a wee bit WEIRD. But, nothing to be said or done....
Years passed. I was living in California now, and was the Head Nurse of a Psychiatric Unit in a Catholic hospital. It was a good job, and, except for one or two crazy ladies, I had a very agreeable staff working for me. One of them was a newer young person on my PM shift, who was from India or somewhere in South Asia, or maybe just her family was. She was a Meditator at an Ashram in Oakland. I can't recall what it was called then, but it is still there. They've had a nice restaurant open to the public at times, on and off in their history, of good vegetarian food. Anyway, their Guru, their most important Teacher, who was the Head of the Ashram, was going to be having a Congregation meeting of sorts, that was going to be open to interested public. Food was going to be served. Children could also be there. Would I like to go with her to the Ashram for this event?
Now, this would be the time to tell you that I was drawn to such an event, because I finally 'got it' that I needed a more organized spiritual life. But, alas, that was not the draw. I was a single parent at the time. So, the children being allowed there, plus food, was a positive equation that could not be missed! Besides, I was curious, as I am, always, curious. So my three kids, all under age eight (so this must have still been the 70s...) and I went to the Ashram.
On a stage-like platform, in a very large room, sat a small, older Asian man, in, of course, the Lotus Position. Before him stretched row after row of well-behaved, cheerful, chatting devotees and their kids. Sometimes, whenever he talked at all, actually, they listened with great respect. Otherwise, he was just sitting quietly there, beaming at just everyone. He beamed at us when my staff person introduced us as guests. We joined a row. I went off pretty soon to the heavily filled tables. All the food looked and smelled delicious! I was going to fill the plates for the kids first.
When I came back to our row with two plates, none of my kids were there. A guy told me they were playing with his kids, off to the side. I craned my neck to see, but all I could spot where my two daughters. My little five year old scampering son was no where to be seen. I started calling, "Chris! Chris?" at the top of my lungs, which barely made a dint in the walls of noise around us. Leaving the plates on our mat, I went off to search for my "lost" boy.
I wasn't making much progress, until I suddenly heard a penetrating, although elderly, and in heavy South Asian accent, voice calling out, "WHOSE CHILD IS THIS? WHOSE CHILD IS THIS?" Looking rapidly towards the front of the room, I spotted my errant son, being held up in the arms of the Guru, as if he was a bit of fluff, instead of a pretty solid five year old. My son was smiling happily like it was all a big joke. Looking very serious, and, I hoped, contrite, I headed up to the podium to relieve this frail-appearing old guy of his child-burden.
All in white cotton, barefooted, sat this small old man, with my son dangling from his arms like a bag of feathers. He was still in Lotus Position, smiling happily at me. My son was smiling happily too, with a lollipop in his sticky mouth. I snatched him as politely as possible from the old gent, apologising all the time. When I paused for breath for a second, I looked at him, waiting for him to say something, I guess...
He listened nicely to my babble, and then he looked a little quizzically at me, tho smiling broadly, and he said back, "WELL, ANYWAY, YOUR MANTRA HASN'T CHANGED!"
OK, so YOU knew that was coming. But I, I DID NOT. I stood there, holding my child, looking at this obviously beloved and respected Teacher, and had not one more word to say. The rest of this event is, of course, lost in a fog of old memories that come and go...
And so, I do not have a Mantra. I have never had a Mantra. I don't expect some Angels In America-type angel to come crashing through my roof to give me one anytime soon. I certainly am not going to budget for one to buy, ever. So, one might ask - (I DO!) - why do these kinds of messages happen in one's life, or, more specifically, why did these two Spiritual Folks say the EXACT SAME LINE TO ME? In all the forty or so years since, I have told many, many people this story. Tho every one has reacted completely differently to it, not ONE has ever said, "O yeah, that happened to someone I know once!", or "Well, that happens all the time!", or, "So? that's the kind of thing those kind of guys say!", or anything reassuring like that. Nope. They just all...
listen nicely to my babble,
look a little quizzically at me, tho smiling broadly,
and say back....
I want to be clear, here. I have never had a Mantra. That means, I think, that I've never had sounds or phrases or a saying of some kind, that I could repeat over and over again to put myself into a state of Meditation. Or, to stay in a state of meditation. Or, to encourage deep breathing. or 'empty mind'. or sitting still, even. I don't have any flexibility in my spine and legs to sit in a meditation posture anyway. I am very envious of those legs that can fold so gracefully into the Lotus Position. People in Lotus look so calm and centered and all. Sometimes they look a little smug, I've noticed, but that my be the envy talkin'. I am not that enamored of 'empty mind'. I'm fond of the busy-ness in my mind. A lot of people really respect 'empty mind' tho, and I do not fault them. I am a great fan of deep, purposeful breathing. That kind of breathing has saved life and sanity for me many a time... Anyway, I never bought a Mantra.
Well, I don't remember anyone actually telling me they BOUGHT their Mantra. Their "personal" and very special Mantra had been GIVEN to them, by a Teacher who was blessed, or possibly even hired directly, for his/her ability to devise, or see, or 'channel' Mantras for the rest of us who might need or want one. These people had a special sort of gift and a source for these sounds and sayings, and a talent for passing on these Mantras in ritual effectively, so that the Mantra stuck! Still, most people I knew, especially back in the late 70s and early 80s seemed to have paid for this blessing, or at least for having the Mantra Person available to find and 'give' them their Mantra. This was my perception of the whole transaction anyway. I may be wrong here. Corrections will be humbly accepted. But, that's how it all looked to me at the time....
So, anyway, I don't have a Mantra.I suspect I'm going to go through life without one, but you never know...I did try to create one, once. It was the sound: Arie, pronounced like air-ee, like where eagles nest, or where they keep birds - a bird reservation...I would make the sound over and over until I relaxed, which was pretty soon. I'm a cat-napper, so it's easy for me to relax at once, on cue! Arie was a nice cue-sound. I did it a lot for awhile, in between singing I Am A Bubble, Make Me the Sea, by all-time-favorite relaxant song.
There are two times that this Mantra business came up socially in my life, tho, years apart, and then never again. Both involved guys who were genuine Spiritual Leaders for a lot of people at the time. They both still are. I'm not going to change their names, (although, actually, I can't even really remember one of the names, so just bear with me here...) One encounter happened in the 70s, as I recall, the other in the early 80s or late 70s. Some time around there. The first happened In Evanston, Illinois. The second, Oakland California. Both incidents were unsolicited and unintentional and, truly, completely unexpected. Also, I have to add, unexplained and uninterpreted then, and to this very day. Both have meanings only as STORIES. They were NOT Spiritual Awakenings or even like a little travel alarm going off in my psyche. They just happened, Coincidence?...I think SO!
The first remembrance is of a 'tea' or reception of some kind, that I recall being at my friend BB's apartment, but it may have been some other small reception site. I think she had been the main coordinator or facilitator or organizer, or one of them, anyway, of a Chicago Event featuring the well-known, (already) Baba Ram Dass. I suppose a lot of you know something about Ram Dass. You can look him up on the net. Interesting life. At the time, (early 70s?), he was very, very 'in', with his book, especially (Be Here Now). (a GOOD place to be, often, I may point out.) I knew my BB felt him to be a VERY important person for her to learn from, and that was enough for me. I attended the event, I assume, but I don't actually recall it, so maybe not...Anyway, this is just about my encounter with him at this reception.
People were milling all around this Guy, with a capital G! He looked very relaxed and a little shorter than I expected him to be (I have a 'thing' for shorter men - a good 'thing'.) People were coming up and telling him how important he was in their lives and listening to him carefully, ( for repetition later, of course, with other devotees). Everyone was very happy, it looked to me, to be there. I was happy too! And, the food was very good, always a plus. So, I went up to say my "Hi".
I can't recall what I did say, to tell you the truth. That's because, what HE said took over the whole scene for me. He listened nicely to my babble, and then he looked a little quizzically at me, tho smiling broadly, and he said back, "WELL, ANYWAY, YOUR MANTRA HASN'T CHANGED!". Then, still smiling, since my response had been effectively terminated before it even began, for heavens sake, he turned to the next person waiting to speak to him. I went back to whatever you do at receptions after you've had your one minute of fame. I can't remember actually FEELING, and certainly not THINKING anything! 'It', whatever 'it' was, had just happened. I let 'it' go. I did not check to see where 'it' had gone....
I feel compelled to remind you now, that I did not HAVE a Mantra. I did not intend to get one. He didn't give me one either. So what he said, was, well, naturally, a wee bit WEIRD. But, nothing to be said or done....
Years passed. I was living in California now, and was the Head Nurse of a Psychiatric Unit in a Catholic hospital. It was a good job, and, except for one or two crazy ladies, I had a very agreeable staff working for me. One of them was a newer young person on my PM shift, who was from India or somewhere in South Asia, or maybe just her family was. She was a Meditator at an Ashram in Oakland. I can't recall what it was called then, but it is still there. They've had a nice restaurant open to the public at times, on and off in their history, of good vegetarian food. Anyway, their Guru, their most important Teacher, who was the Head of the Ashram, was going to be having a Congregation meeting of sorts, that was going to be open to interested public. Food was going to be served. Children could also be there. Would I like to go with her to the Ashram for this event?
Now, this would be the time to tell you that I was drawn to such an event, because I finally 'got it' that I needed a more organized spiritual life. But, alas, that was not the draw. I was a single parent at the time. So, the children being allowed there, plus food, was a positive equation that could not be missed! Besides, I was curious, as I am, always, curious. So my three kids, all under age eight (so this must have still been the 70s...) and I went to the Ashram.
On a stage-like platform, in a very large room, sat a small, older Asian man, in, of course, the Lotus Position. Before him stretched row after row of well-behaved, cheerful, chatting devotees and their kids. Sometimes, whenever he talked at all, actually, they listened with great respect. Otherwise, he was just sitting quietly there, beaming at just everyone. He beamed at us when my staff person introduced us as guests. We joined a row. I went off pretty soon to the heavily filled tables. All the food looked and smelled delicious! I was going to fill the plates for the kids first.
When I came back to our row with two plates, none of my kids were there. A guy told me they were playing with his kids, off to the side. I craned my neck to see, but all I could spot where my two daughters. My little five year old scampering son was no where to be seen. I started calling, "Chris! Chris?" at the top of my lungs, which barely made a dint in the walls of noise around us. Leaving the plates on our mat, I went off to search for my "lost" boy.
I wasn't making much progress, until I suddenly heard a penetrating, although elderly, and in heavy South Asian accent, voice calling out, "WHOSE CHILD IS THIS? WHOSE CHILD IS THIS?" Looking rapidly towards the front of the room, I spotted my errant son, being held up in the arms of the Guru, as if he was a bit of fluff, instead of a pretty solid five year old. My son was smiling happily like it was all a big joke. Looking very serious, and, I hoped, contrite, I headed up to the podium to relieve this frail-appearing old guy of his child-burden.
All in white cotton, barefooted, sat this small old man, with my son dangling from his arms like a bag of feathers. He was still in Lotus Position, smiling happily at me. My son was smiling happily too, with a lollipop in his sticky mouth. I snatched him as politely as possible from the old gent, apologising all the time. When I paused for breath for a second, I looked at him, waiting for him to say something, I guess...
He listened nicely to my babble, and then he looked a little quizzically at me, tho smiling broadly, and he said back, "WELL, ANYWAY, YOUR MANTRA HASN'T CHANGED!"
OK, so YOU knew that was coming. But I, I DID NOT. I stood there, holding my child, looking at this obviously beloved and respected Teacher, and had not one more word to say. The rest of this event is, of course, lost in a fog of old memories that come and go...
And so, I do not have a Mantra. I have never had a Mantra. I don't expect some Angels In America-type angel to come crashing through my roof to give me one anytime soon. I certainly am not going to budget for one to buy, ever. So, one might ask - (I DO!) - why do these kinds of messages happen in one's life, or, more specifically, why did these two Spiritual Folks say the EXACT SAME LINE TO ME? In all the forty or so years since, I have told many, many people this story. Tho every one has reacted completely differently to it, not ONE has ever said, "O yeah, that happened to someone I know once!", or "Well, that happens all the time!", or, "So? that's the kind of thing those kind of guys say!", or anything reassuring like that. Nope. They just all...
listen nicely to my babble,
look a little quizzically at me, tho smiling broadly,
and say back....
AND WE'VE GOT TO GET OURSELVES BACK TO THE GARDEN is my Entire History, so far, of Husbandry of the Land: Gardening...right now, in time, I have five pots of Living Green...but once upon a many times...I had a Garden....
AND WE'VE GOT TO GET OURSELVES BACK TO THE GARDEN
My grandpa Amann had a huge garden in Genesee Depot, Wisconsin, flowing down a hill in the real countryside. It had a rose garden section. a small vegetable garden. lots of grass to play on. flowers all around the house. Hanging from a large branch of a tree, was a wonderful swing. I must have seen plenty of gardens before his, but Grandpa's and Gramma's home was the first I can remember...
Mom had simple gardens all around the houses in Illinois... but it is the vegetable gardens in the backyards that I remember best...the one on Union Avenue in St. Charles was my favorite...the corn rows were banked by a row of Flocks, a whimsical Midwestern spray of tiny, delicate flowers with a lovely perfume. I used to like to lie on the ground between that last cornrow among the Flocks, and just smell them and listen to the corn leaves crackle as they grew!...the tomatoes and green beans and corn of the Midwest are not to be confused with these three veges any where else on the planet...they are simply the best...
In the Midwest, though, all gardens and lawns come with a price: weeding. The Work of Weeding is no joke. It is painstakingly hard labor. I still have an active dislike of any tool that resembles a Weeder: that snake-tongue at the end of the long rod and the wooden handle. Held in your dominant hand. plunged into the ground next to the invisible root, which went down to China, of course. The other hand, gloved, pulls at the base of the plant. while, one wriggles and wrangles at the root, which does not, does not, want to come 'up'. Weeds are merciless survivors. there are thousands more of them after every rain. because, of course, of that batch of em last fall that you didn't pull out until after they went to seed. Weeds are the Rulers of the Plant World, in the moist, hot Midwestern Summer, anyway....
Portage, Wisconsin...Bumpity Road Farm. We had two gardens on the twenty acres of land there, for seven years. Ten acres were in share-cropping with a neighbor, for corn...the other ten boarded on the Game Reserve for the region, so it was left wild. It had a sweet tiny pond where there was a little running spring with watercress year round...then, a tiny fenced-in flower garden in a circle right in front of the garage, which we had made into a cozy house...and towards the main road, before the red barn, next to the chicken coop, was the Vegetable Garden.
I still have a picture of the Kid's Dad tilling that plot. It was as large as any other Truck Garden in the area. Truck Gardens being ones that produce enough food to preserve for the family, and to sell some for profit besides. We were trying to cut costs and be a bit more self-sufficient...also, it was a lot of fun, in spite of being a lot of work!
We raised string beans, pole beans, carrots, radishes, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, pickles/cukes, green peppers, hot peppers, dill, basil, summer squash, winter squash, beets, peas, red cabbage, green cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, parsnips, rutabagas, raspberries, strawberries, goose berries, blue berries, black berries, ice burg lettuce, leaf lettuces, kale, collards, mustard greens, peanuts, red onions, green onions, scallions, yellow onions, white onions, garlic, zucchini, potatoes, and even amaranth, for the seeds! In our little orchard we raised apples, pears, apricots, and peaches.
We ate fresh in season, and then I'd preserve and can, freeze or dry everything in sight that animals, insects, weather changes, or time didn't take away! With the 'game' coming into our part of the corn field, and fishing at Mill Pond, a short walk away, we ate very well...We had three little pigs as well. We'd trade one for fresh beef, had one put by for us into cuts and hams and sausage-grind. We'd trade the other for the butcher's work. The Kid's Dad caught one of the chickens every week from the coop, and we had fresh chicken to eat. The others were layers, of course, so we ate eggs constantly. Down the road was a milking farm, and we traded eggs for gallon jars of milk with fresh cream clotted on top! The game was pheasant, the yearly deer, squirrel, and an occasional wayward goose or duck flying over to the game reserve....
The Farm Ladies of Wisconsin really taught me everything I know through this very day, about Gardening. how to decide on purchases of seeds and seedlings and plants. how to prepare soil. how to 'amend' soils. how to figure out whether a soil was acid or alkaline, and what to do about it. how to water the crops effectively. when and how to pinch off and trim. when and how to weed. how to compost and mulch. when to fertilize plants and how to avoid heavy "feedings". how to deal with insects using the fewest chemicals. how to protect crops at harvest from animal feastings. when to harvest. how to use the harvest fresh. which parts of the vegetable to preserve. by canning. by pickling. by drying. by fruit cellaring. by freezing....
I owe a great portion of my love of the land to these women...especially Aunt Verna, a taciturn, tough woman of few words, who taught me most of the preserving skills I can do practically in my sleep, to this very day. She even taught me how to milk a cow (they had eight), and how to store the milk in their wonderful Spring House, with a real stream running through it to keep the milk fresh and cool in its stainless steel cans. I learned to churn, wash, dry, and mold butter with her. I have all the equipment for that as well, here in California. I even learned to make rag rugs and to sew on a treadle machine from this great old traditionalist! She was among the last of an old breed...the Women Pioneers, legendary in their own hard-working, conservative ways of life....
Then came my single-parent years, and only occasionally did a garden get my attention...
When we first moved to California, we had a big garden in our first backyard of our little yellow house under a huge redwood tree. We even had the first Compost Pile registered in the city of Oakland! I learned to raise all the California veges in that garden... they were all the ones of the Midwest, but they grow differently in California! Zucchinis can take over your entire yard if left unharvested...tomatoes come and go too fast...root crops damp-off, especially onions. Berries take over the fences and window frames...if there is a clump of bamboo nearby, you have a jungle to deal with within a week. Roses bloom two to three times a year. oranges can be picked all year, practically. lemons too. Loquats. No gooseberries. Blackberries are considered the worst pest possible, but are totally delicious every time...garlic thrives. corn is horrible and bland...if it even grows at all...peppers stay small...it's simply not hot enough here on the coast, so, you have to plant at just the right time, nurture the plants like crazy. harvest right away when just ripe. And then, there are the Snails...
Snails and Slugs are all over California. In fact, all the way north from LA through the western coasts of Canada, Snails and Slugs...everywhere. They eat, of course, every thing green and tender, or even not-so-tender, in sight. They leave slime behind as well. Some people love them anyway. Can't say I was ever too merciful...I surrounded my gardens with fireplace ashes, sand, and salt...and cups of beer set into the ground for them to fall into and drown. I'd go out at night and pick them off the plants and throw them into the street. I am very mean around Snails...we don't have slugs here in the Bay Area, but I would kill them in a flash...I guess the Buddhist Way is not happening any lifetime soon, for me!
For a few years of the seventies, I had a little business called "Sparkle Plenty Gardening"...I advised on garden planning, mainly for vegetable gardens, and pruned trees for part of my income! I had little cards made up, and advertised by word-of-mouth...I really enjoyed pruning and teaching folks about their trees and bushes and fruit trees generally...I gave up the business as I needed more money as I became a single parent, and I returned to Nursing full-time...besides. I had actually scared myself by falling out of a tree branch that was eight feet or so 'up'! I had been lucky nothing was broken, except my ego!
In the eighties, I decided to really learn to be a "Gardener" , hopefully an Organic Gardener who would learn to master the arts needed to raise vegetables in this strange Marine/Mediterranean Climate Zone of such mixed possibilities...
There is a farm north of us in Willets, connected with the Ecology Center on the Peninsula...they teach all the techniques necessary, in a series of workshops, to have a basic skills to be an Organic Gardener...The classes are all wonderful! We learned to double-dig and prepare raised beds. we learned how to mulch and compost. How to companion plant. how to raise each plant close to its fellows, in relationship to the chemistries of the soil, the heat, the sun, the water, the winds, and each other. Such wonderful gardening ways, with such successes when harvest comes!
I even got to belong to an Experimental Group that was planting a corn crop south down the San Francisco Peninsula. The leader was a great guy, who had trained under John Jeavons, the director of the Ecology Center programs I had attended. He guided us through all of his ideas about raising corn in a marine environment...We tilled and sowed and weeded and fertilized and harvested, all summer. It was much fun! We all got to take corn home at the end, to grind into meal: delicious stuff! He was going to Illinois, to buy a farm, that fall. I gave him an odd gift, for good luck on his farm...
A friend of my husband's worked for a US Congressman who was very liberal. He sponsored the Dalai Lama coming to Washington, DC, to speak with Congress people about Tibet. She was in charge of the arrangements. Before she left for DC, she asked me if I wanted to give her anything for the Dalai Lama to bless for me. I said Sure, and gave her a pretty stone I had taken from the farm up in Willets, where I had trained. To my great surprise, she returned the stone to me when she came back, saying that he had blessed it, giggling! She had a picture of him blessing the stone! What fun!
I gave the stone to our leader along with the picture, for good luck on his Illinois Farm Adventure. He was very pleased to have it and the picture too!
I thought of Illinois Farms and Vegetable gardens and corn...so far away....
At that time, my second husband owned forty acres with a year-round spring in Gualala, on the coast north of the Bay Area, close to Mendocino. It was beautiful land! It had a large coastal redwood grove, and huge ferns around the spring. We planted and tended a ten-tree - mainly apples - orchard up there year round...weeding, pruning, watering during the summer...there was a little seasonal pond there, and I built a Japanese bridge over it with Pop's help...
And, I had a garden, a Real Garden again! It was on Pop's Back Yard Property... Pops - Walter - was my Best Friend for over thirty-five years... For over twenty years I had his "Back Forty" as he called it, one of his thirty by twenty-five square foot raised beds, filled with all of organic gardening vegetable and flower experiments! Pops was very intrigued. He was a completely conventional gardener, and, an excellent one, with a huge half-acre garden going up the hill behind his three houses, filled with azaleas, rhododendrons, flowers, trees, paths, roses, and a year-round running creek with two picnic areas. One of our housemates and one of my daughters even got themselves married in that wonderful garden!
He had four raised beds, as I said. One was for corn only...he saved his Burpee Gold seed year after year. One was for sweet peas, strawberries, and green peas, and the gladiolas and dahlias. The third was for tomatoes, carrots, onions, and green beans...he'd rotate his crops, otherwise, fertilizers, tilling, rows, everything was traditional. My companion planting, composting (eventually he got into composting way more that I did!), green-fertilizing, double-digging, and close-planting techniques really threw him! He very much admired my lack of bugs, lack of weeds, and my huge yields though! One thing I could never get him to do, was to move from overhead sprinkling to drip...even though his ways obviously damped-off plants, especially in more foggy years. He was stubborn about that! I raised tomatoes, herbs of all kinds, and got into heirloom varieties of lettuces, carrots, onions, garlic, potatoes...
Thenn my second husband and I bought a house, in Oakland, not far from Pop's property on Trestle Glen...this one was on Rhoda Ave, down the hill from the huge Mormon Temple, which we referred to as "The Castle".... I had a small back yard with huge gum trees, two paths on either sides, a big front yard with a huge Dierdre Cedar, and a deck on the master bedroom side with a hot tub! It had been one of the original farm houses in the Fruitvale area of Oakland, and was right over an underground stream bed. So, the basement would flood in the winter rains...but the gardening was great! I planted roses on one side of the house. did container gardening in the back yard and built a deck. planted trumpet vines and did containers on the hot-tub deck side. planted roses along the front yard fence. planted and tended an apricot and a plum tree. planted and tended a shade garden under the Dierdre Cedar...and, kept up my Back Forty on Pop's property as well! A Heaven of Gardens! Years later, that Garden is still tended and has been developed into a huge Japanese Garden, by my son, who bought the Family House after our divorce, and lives there, raising his family in that garden setting...and, rabbits in the backyard, just as I did, as well!
Living as a live-in girl friend at my boyfriend's home in Montclair, California, was an experience in gardening as well...he already had a huge house garden front and back, all set the way he wished, and gardened it himself...he did allow me my containers and redwood planters I had built...I filled them with herbs of all kinds, as usual, flowers, strawberries, and lettuces...a little kitchen garden...and, of course, I still tended and harvested from my Back Forty at Pop's!
Towards the end of our relationship, I worked for about a year on a friend's 'farm' in Yolo County...he was a gentleman farmer, who irrigated a couple of acres of almond trees...a new little orchard! He grew row after row of organic vegetables as well...he raised chickens from chicks in the bathtub of the trailer he lived in whenever he was working his land. In San Francisco, he was, probably is still, an CPA.... the work was demanding and constant, and it was very, very hot in the summer. After weeding and hoeing and irrigating (that is, endlessly repairing his feeder-tube systems), we would swim about in the nice cold irrigation pond with it's reeds and aquatic plants all around. That was lovely...We were 'just friends', but I was busy there, being in a 'garden' of huge proportions...and the Spring and Fall there were lovely...I took many pictures of that farm, and the gentle beauty of the land still startles me. He was a gentle soul, too, a little blunt at times, but wry and kind. A good person to work with...we would listen to Prairie Home Companion on the way home, after eating at a wonderful local Mexican Restaurant, where we seemed to be the only gringos in sight. He had a friend, June, who lived on the farm 'one over', who still had a dirt floor for her house. It was a very good experience, all in all! 'Except for the chickens...they all died. An animal or more got them all...only a few white and black feathers remained...that's the nature of life on a farm, all too often!
The whole time I was gardening, I continued to preserve and can or dry foods to "put by"...I carted my equipment from Illinois and Wisconsin around everywhere! canner. jars. labels. rims. tops. jar lifters. recipes...lately, I'm down to jams and jellies and chutneys - I preserve them with my daughter, since she has an orange tree and a lemon tree and a big garden... everyone seems to still enjoy them mightily!
Then, I married my third husband...we had one little garden for a year or so, and raised vegetables...then we lived up in the hills, where the winds from the Golden Gate blow in from the ocean across the bay, and smash into every living thing! Only very, very hardly plants grow in the East Bay hills!...so, mainly container plants for some years...We helped my second daughter put in a large vegetable garden a couple of times, in her five large raised beds...the harvests have been very good...especially the lettuces, and, of course, inevitably, the zucchinis!
Before we leave the garden, a bit about Bees....While I had the Back Forty at Pop's, I had joined the Alameda County Bee Keeping Association, and had joined together with the 'president' at the time, a small Hawaiian/Irish American woman with a willful, energetic spirit and two sons to raise...she helped me set up my first hive on Pop's property. We worked her three hives in Oakland, and mine, together for eight years. We even produced our own honey products, mainly the Eucalyptus Honey and some pollen...then I suffered a slew of stings from a wild swarm that I had been trying to hive...the multiple stings led to an anaphylactic shock reaction that was so severe, that I had to give up the Bees. I had really loved working with those little ladies! Fussing over their little mini-cities in the 'supers' and their wonderful, honey and pollen neighborhoods on the 'frames', was so much fun! A warm hive smells a lot like bread just out of the oven, all toasty and covered with dripping honey! I was only around bees again one more season...on the farm in Yolo County. My friend kept bees all around the Almond Orchard...I would help him with the equipment, at a safe distance, carrying my 'bee kit' with it's epinephrine injectable in it...just in case a bee might sting me....
Here in my 'new' apartment with my new fellow, we have a small deck, with plants on it...my daughter may or may not put in her vegetable garden this year... I hope she does. Of course, I will help her 'garden',but here friend Robert does most of that now...Gardens are never far from my mind...Even in 2006, when we spent ten weeks in Europe, many, many of my photos were of gardens...
In a garden, working in the soil, I feel closer to the planet and every farmer and gardener upon it.
I fight against the Ownership of the world's Seeds by MegaAgricultural Monopolies...I fight for potable Water for all Living Things....
I feel close to the plants, their seasons and their natures, their lives and their harvests for our foods and for our pleasure...for their right to Live, simply because they share this planet with us so freely...for so little in return from most of us....
When we are working the Land, as the Singer Joni Mitchel wrote...
We are Stardust.
We are Golden...and so I say...
and so I Sing:
(loudly...and with Joy):
We've got to get ourselves
Back to the Garden....
My grandpa Amann had a huge garden in Genesee Depot, Wisconsin, flowing down a hill in the real countryside. It had a rose garden section. a small vegetable garden. lots of grass to play on. flowers all around the house. Hanging from a large branch of a tree, was a wonderful swing. I must have seen plenty of gardens before his, but Grandpa's and Gramma's home was the first I can remember...
Mom had simple gardens all around the houses in Illinois... but it is the vegetable gardens in the backyards that I remember best...the one on Union Avenue in St. Charles was my favorite...the corn rows were banked by a row of Flocks, a whimsical Midwestern spray of tiny, delicate flowers with a lovely perfume. I used to like to lie on the ground between that last cornrow among the Flocks, and just smell them and listen to the corn leaves crackle as they grew!...the tomatoes and green beans and corn of the Midwest are not to be confused with these three veges any where else on the planet...they are simply the best...
In the Midwest, though, all gardens and lawns come with a price: weeding. The Work of Weeding is no joke. It is painstakingly hard labor. I still have an active dislike of any tool that resembles a Weeder: that snake-tongue at the end of the long rod and the wooden handle. Held in your dominant hand. plunged into the ground next to the invisible root, which went down to China, of course. The other hand, gloved, pulls at the base of the plant. while, one wriggles and wrangles at the root, which does not, does not, want to come 'up'. Weeds are merciless survivors. there are thousands more of them after every rain. because, of course, of that batch of em last fall that you didn't pull out until after they went to seed. Weeds are the Rulers of the Plant World, in the moist, hot Midwestern Summer, anyway....
Portage, Wisconsin...Bumpity Road Farm. We had two gardens on the twenty acres of land there, for seven years. Ten acres were in share-cropping with a neighbor, for corn...the other ten boarded on the Game Reserve for the region, so it was left wild. It had a sweet tiny pond where there was a little running spring with watercress year round...then, a tiny fenced-in flower garden in a circle right in front of the garage, which we had made into a cozy house...and towards the main road, before the red barn, next to the chicken coop, was the Vegetable Garden.
I still have a picture of the Kid's Dad tilling that plot. It was as large as any other Truck Garden in the area. Truck Gardens being ones that produce enough food to preserve for the family, and to sell some for profit besides. We were trying to cut costs and be a bit more self-sufficient...also, it was a lot of fun, in spite of being a lot of work!
We raised string beans, pole beans, carrots, radishes, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, pickles/cukes, green peppers, hot peppers, dill, basil, summer squash, winter squash, beets, peas, red cabbage, green cabbage, brussel sprouts, broccoli, cauliflower, parsnips, rutabagas, raspberries, strawberries, goose berries, blue berries, black berries, ice burg lettuce, leaf lettuces, kale, collards, mustard greens, peanuts, red onions, green onions, scallions, yellow onions, white onions, garlic, zucchini, potatoes, and even amaranth, for the seeds! In our little orchard we raised apples, pears, apricots, and peaches.
We ate fresh in season, and then I'd preserve and can, freeze or dry everything in sight that animals, insects, weather changes, or time didn't take away! With the 'game' coming into our part of the corn field, and fishing at Mill Pond, a short walk away, we ate very well...We had three little pigs as well. We'd trade one for fresh beef, had one put by for us into cuts and hams and sausage-grind. We'd trade the other for the butcher's work. The Kid's Dad caught one of the chickens every week from the coop, and we had fresh chicken to eat. The others were layers, of course, so we ate eggs constantly. Down the road was a milking farm, and we traded eggs for gallon jars of milk with fresh cream clotted on top! The game was pheasant, the yearly deer, squirrel, and an occasional wayward goose or duck flying over to the game reserve....
The Farm Ladies of Wisconsin really taught me everything I know through this very day, about Gardening. how to decide on purchases of seeds and seedlings and plants. how to prepare soil. how to 'amend' soils. how to figure out whether a soil was acid or alkaline, and what to do about it. how to water the crops effectively. when and how to pinch off and trim. when and how to weed. how to compost and mulch. when to fertilize plants and how to avoid heavy "feedings". how to deal with insects using the fewest chemicals. how to protect crops at harvest from animal feastings. when to harvest. how to use the harvest fresh. which parts of the vegetable to preserve. by canning. by pickling. by drying. by fruit cellaring. by freezing....
I owe a great portion of my love of the land to these women...especially Aunt Verna, a taciturn, tough woman of few words, who taught me most of the preserving skills I can do practically in my sleep, to this very day. She even taught me how to milk a cow (they had eight), and how to store the milk in their wonderful Spring House, with a real stream running through it to keep the milk fresh and cool in its stainless steel cans. I learned to churn, wash, dry, and mold butter with her. I have all the equipment for that as well, here in California. I even learned to make rag rugs and to sew on a treadle machine from this great old traditionalist! She was among the last of an old breed...the Women Pioneers, legendary in their own hard-working, conservative ways of life....
Then came my single-parent years, and only occasionally did a garden get my attention...
When we first moved to California, we had a big garden in our first backyard of our little yellow house under a huge redwood tree. We even had the first Compost Pile registered in the city of Oakland! I learned to raise all the California veges in that garden... they were all the ones of the Midwest, but they grow differently in California! Zucchinis can take over your entire yard if left unharvested...tomatoes come and go too fast...root crops damp-off, especially onions. Berries take over the fences and window frames...if there is a clump of bamboo nearby, you have a jungle to deal with within a week. Roses bloom two to three times a year. oranges can be picked all year, practically. lemons too. Loquats. No gooseberries. Blackberries are considered the worst pest possible, but are totally delicious every time...garlic thrives. corn is horrible and bland...if it even grows at all...peppers stay small...it's simply not hot enough here on the coast, so, you have to plant at just the right time, nurture the plants like crazy. harvest right away when just ripe. And then, there are the Snails...
Snails and Slugs are all over California. In fact, all the way north from LA through the western coasts of Canada, Snails and Slugs...everywhere. They eat, of course, every thing green and tender, or even not-so-tender, in sight. They leave slime behind as well. Some people love them anyway. Can't say I was ever too merciful...I surrounded my gardens with fireplace ashes, sand, and salt...and cups of beer set into the ground for them to fall into and drown. I'd go out at night and pick them off the plants and throw them into the street. I am very mean around Snails...we don't have slugs here in the Bay Area, but I would kill them in a flash...I guess the Buddhist Way is not happening any lifetime soon, for me!
For a few years of the seventies, I had a little business called "Sparkle Plenty Gardening"...I advised on garden planning, mainly for vegetable gardens, and pruned trees for part of my income! I had little cards made up, and advertised by word-of-mouth...I really enjoyed pruning and teaching folks about their trees and bushes and fruit trees generally...I gave up the business as I needed more money as I became a single parent, and I returned to Nursing full-time...besides. I had actually scared myself by falling out of a tree branch that was eight feet or so 'up'! I had been lucky nothing was broken, except my ego!
In the eighties, I decided to really learn to be a "Gardener" , hopefully an Organic Gardener who would learn to master the arts needed to raise vegetables in this strange Marine/Mediterranean Climate Zone of such mixed possibilities...
There is a farm north of us in Willets, connected with the Ecology Center on the Peninsula...they teach all the techniques necessary, in a series of workshops, to have a basic skills to be an Organic Gardener...The classes are all wonderful! We learned to double-dig and prepare raised beds. we learned how to mulch and compost. How to companion plant. how to raise each plant close to its fellows, in relationship to the chemistries of the soil, the heat, the sun, the water, the winds, and each other. Such wonderful gardening ways, with such successes when harvest comes!
I even got to belong to an Experimental Group that was planting a corn crop south down the San Francisco Peninsula. The leader was a great guy, who had trained under John Jeavons, the director of the Ecology Center programs I had attended. He guided us through all of his ideas about raising corn in a marine environment...We tilled and sowed and weeded and fertilized and harvested, all summer. It was much fun! We all got to take corn home at the end, to grind into meal: delicious stuff! He was going to Illinois, to buy a farm, that fall. I gave him an odd gift, for good luck on his farm...
A friend of my husband's worked for a US Congressman who was very liberal. He sponsored the Dalai Lama coming to Washington, DC, to speak with Congress people about Tibet. She was in charge of the arrangements. Before she left for DC, she asked me if I wanted to give her anything for the Dalai Lama to bless for me. I said Sure, and gave her a pretty stone I had taken from the farm up in Willets, where I had trained. To my great surprise, she returned the stone to me when she came back, saying that he had blessed it, giggling! She had a picture of him blessing the stone! What fun!
I gave the stone to our leader along with the picture, for good luck on his Illinois Farm Adventure. He was very pleased to have it and the picture too!
I thought of Illinois Farms and Vegetable gardens and corn...so far away....
At that time, my second husband owned forty acres with a year-round spring in Gualala, on the coast north of the Bay Area, close to Mendocino. It was beautiful land! It had a large coastal redwood grove, and huge ferns around the spring. We planted and tended a ten-tree - mainly apples - orchard up there year round...weeding, pruning, watering during the summer...there was a little seasonal pond there, and I built a Japanese bridge over it with Pop's help...
And, I had a garden, a Real Garden again! It was on Pop's Back Yard Property... Pops - Walter - was my Best Friend for over thirty-five years... For over twenty years I had his "Back Forty" as he called it, one of his thirty by twenty-five square foot raised beds, filled with all of organic gardening vegetable and flower experiments! Pops was very intrigued. He was a completely conventional gardener, and, an excellent one, with a huge half-acre garden going up the hill behind his three houses, filled with azaleas, rhododendrons, flowers, trees, paths, roses, and a year-round running creek with two picnic areas. One of our housemates and one of my daughters even got themselves married in that wonderful garden!
He had four raised beds, as I said. One was for corn only...he saved his Burpee Gold seed year after year. One was for sweet peas, strawberries, and green peas, and the gladiolas and dahlias. The third was for tomatoes, carrots, onions, and green beans...he'd rotate his crops, otherwise, fertilizers, tilling, rows, everything was traditional. My companion planting, composting (eventually he got into composting way more that I did!), green-fertilizing, double-digging, and close-planting techniques really threw him! He very much admired my lack of bugs, lack of weeds, and my huge yields though! One thing I could never get him to do, was to move from overhead sprinkling to drip...even though his ways obviously damped-off plants, especially in more foggy years. He was stubborn about that! I raised tomatoes, herbs of all kinds, and got into heirloom varieties of lettuces, carrots, onions, garlic, potatoes...
Thenn my second husband and I bought a house, in Oakland, not far from Pop's property on Trestle Glen...this one was on Rhoda Ave, down the hill from the huge Mormon Temple, which we referred to as "The Castle".... I had a small back yard with huge gum trees, two paths on either sides, a big front yard with a huge Dierdre Cedar, and a deck on the master bedroom side with a hot tub! It had been one of the original farm houses in the Fruitvale area of Oakland, and was right over an underground stream bed. So, the basement would flood in the winter rains...but the gardening was great! I planted roses on one side of the house. did container gardening in the back yard and built a deck. planted trumpet vines and did containers on the hot-tub deck side. planted roses along the front yard fence. planted and tended an apricot and a plum tree. planted and tended a shade garden under the Dierdre Cedar...and, kept up my Back Forty on Pop's property as well! A Heaven of Gardens! Years later, that Garden is still tended and has been developed into a huge Japanese Garden, by my son, who bought the Family House after our divorce, and lives there, raising his family in that garden setting...and, rabbits in the backyard, just as I did, as well!
Living as a live-in girl friend at my boyfriend's home in Montclair, California, was an experience in gardening as well...he already had a huge house garden front and back, all set the way he wished, and gardened it himself...he did allow me my containers and redwood planters I had built...I filled them with herbs of all kinds, as usual, flowers, strawberries, and lettuces...a little kitchen garden...and, of course, I still tended and harvested from my Back Forty at Pop's!
Towards the end of our relationship, I worked for about a year on a friend's 'farm' in Yolo County...he was a gentleman farmer, who irrigated a couple of acres of almond trees...a new little orchard! He grew row after row of organic vegetables as well...he raised chickens from chicks in the bathtub of the trailer he lived in whenever he was working his land. In San Francisco, he was, probably is still, an CPA.... the work was demanding and constant, and it was very, very hot in the summer. After weeding and hoeing and irrigating (that is, endlessly repairing his feeder-tube systems), we would swim about in the nice cold irrigation pond with it's reeds and aquatic plants all around. That was lovely...We were 'just friends', but I was busy there, being in a 'garden' of huge proportions...and the Spring and Fall there were lovely...I took many pictures of that farm, and the gentle beauty of the land still startles me. He was a gentle soul, too, a little blunt at times, but wry and kind. A good person to work with...we would listen to Prairie Home Companion on the way home, after eating at a wonderful local Mexican Restaurant, where we seemed to be the only gringos in sight. He had a friend, June, who lived on the farm 'one over', who still had a dirt floor for her house. It was a very good experience, all in all! 'Except for the chickens...they all died. An animal or more got them all...only a few white and black feathers remained...that's the nature of life on a farm, all too often!
The whole time I was gardening, I continued to preserve and can or dry foods to "put by"...I carted my equipment from Illinois and Wisconsin around everywhere! canner. jars. labels. rims. tops. jar lifters. recipes...lately, I'm down to jams and jellies and chutneys - I preserve them with my daughter, since she has an orange tree and a lemon tree and a big garden... everyone seems to still enjoy them mightily!
Then, I married my third husband...we had one little garden for a year or so, and raised vegetables...then we lived up in the hills, where the winds from the Golden Gate blow in from the ocean across the bay, and smash into every living thing! Only very, very hardly plants grow in the East Bay hills!...so, mainly container plants for some years...We helped my second daughter put in a large vegetable garden a couple of times, in her five large raised beds...the harvests have been very good...especially the lettuces, and, of course, inevitably, the zucchinis!
Before we leave the garden, a bit about Bees....While I had the Back Forty at Pop's, I had joined the Alameda County Bee Keeping Association, and had joined together with the 'president' at the time, a small Hawaiian/Irish American woman with a willful, energetic spirit and two sons to raise...she helped me set up my first hive on Pop's property. We worked her three hives in Oakland, and mine, together for eight years. We even produced our own honey products, mainly the Eucalyptus Honey and some pollen...then I suffered a slew of stings from a wild swarm that I had been trying to hive...the multiple stings led to an anaphylactic shock reaction that was so severe, that I had to give up the Bees. I had really loved working with those little ladies! Fussing over their little mini-cities in the 'supers' and their wonderful, honey and pollen neighborhoods on the 'frames', was so much fun! A warm hive smells a lot like bread just out of the oven, all toasty and covered with dripping honey! I was only around bees again one more season...on the farm in Yolo County. My friend kept bees all around the Almond Orchard...I would help him with the equipment, at a safe distance, carrying my 'bee kit' with it's epinephrine injectable in it...just in case a bee might sting me....
Here in my 'new' apartment with my new fellow, we have a small deck, with plants on it...my daughter may or may not put in her vegetable garden this year... I hope she does. Of course, I will help her 'garden',but here friend Robert does most of that now...Gardens are never far from my mind...Even in 2006, when we spent ten weeks in Europe, many, many of my photos were of gardens...
In a garden, working in the soil, I feel closer to the planet and every farmer and gardener upon it.
I fight against the Ownership of the world's Seeds by MegaAgricultural Monopolies...I fight for potable Water for all Living Things....
I feel close to the plants, their seasons and their natures, their lives and their harvests for our foods and for our pleasure...for their right to Live, simply because they share this planet with us so freely...for so little in return from most of us....
When we are working the Land, as the Singer Joni Mitchel wrote...
We are Stardust.
We are Golden...and so I say...
and so I Sing:
(loudly...and with Joy):
We've got to get ourselves
Back to the Garden....
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