DEEANE'S SWEET MOUTH
Deeane was a waitress. she had, of course, met us as soon as we came into the little cafe for breakfast. I saw the look on your face the moment you saw her. your face suffused with pleasure, and I knew at once. she reminded you of Dorie. the same small and vulnerable frame. more like a child's than a woman's. she was probably in her forties. but, she looked like a young princess should look. a vulnerable, sweet mouth. big gentle brown eyes. tendril of curls all blond and childlike, twisted up upon her head. she held her hands more like a dancer's than like a working woman's. somehow, her hands moved with much efficiency and dexterity, although she seemed new to her work in some way. she was gracious and kind and her smile was like you imagine an angel's would be. you were smitten. you adored her at once. she was the sort of woman Dorie had been and is. strong perhaps. but on many levels, very unprotected. in need of protection. protection you wanted at once to give her. you would have taken her in - in a moment, she had claims on you that held you close. she was your dream. you flirted with her with sweet abandon. unafraid of who I was, there watching you. always I had known: the tiny, sweet, vulnerable, more simple women held sway over you. their small little girl ways and faces. their sweet open mouths. you imagined holding their small selves against your large self. giving them love and home. giving them your largeness. adoring and protecting them all at once....
the amazing part, naturally, was that you were not afraid to show me all of that! trusting that I would protect your own open infatuation and desire. your own delight and adoration of her perfection in your eyes. your trust amazed me: that you would love me so deeply. yet, could fall in love at once for the sweet waitress in the little cafe. you asked her name. Deeane. all along she had made eye contact with you... still, she also made eye contact with me. just as much... I could not help wondering what was happening for her. for, when she made contact with me, I saw mainly a great sorrow in her lovely eyes. she was showing me her sorrow. why, I couldn't imagine... what could I do for her? what could I ever say? what door could open between us? was she responding to your instant love for her? or, was it some grief that she could not keep out of her eyes? I felt a mystery was there. but, what mystery could account for these immediate connections among the three of us?....
We were all dancing this affectionate dance among us, when you got up to go to the restroom...you were gone for a few seconds when she came up to the table again. your coffee cup was still full, but she topped it off in her gracious way. then she looked me straight in the eyes again. she asked if she could ask me a question. I told her of course. she asked if I was the new therapist at the clinic. The Clinic? without explaining, Deeane said that she couldn't see the new therapist, because she couldn't pay and didn't have the coverage. she thought I looked like the new therapist. there was a hesitancy... I took the leap into her unknown: they will see you, I told her. if they know that you're not safe...if they know that things are very bad for you...then they will take you in. her face had never changed in expression the whole time she had been with us. she was wearing a mask. to cover for something very sad. perhaps even abuse... I sensed a husband, or a home with a man. someplace she could not leave for some reason. the sadness was that deep. she needed help that much... she nodded at me, as if to say that she understood. that she would go back to the clinic and try again... then you were coming back and she went on to another duty. she came up one more time while we were there. but she gave no sign that we had communicated so much in such a few minutes....
I do not think we saved her. we were only a small boat of kind strangers passing through her turbulent waters. she saw your delight and kindness. your large protective self. she saw my compassion. my ability to understand her somehow... she wanted to be understood. to reach for the life preserver we threw her so graciously and so, truly, accidentally, in our unconscious delight in her childlike beauty and grace. I can not be sure that she saved herself. I like to think that she went back to the clinic and explained herself better to them. of course, they would take her in. they would work out something about the fee. I'm sure of that. but there is no way we will know. we will never know her well enough to know... probably we will never see her again. we will only hope that she will be saved by love or by therapy or by some more lasting kindness...that all that sorrow will be driven from her innocent and lovely eyes. that only laughter will come from her sweet mouth....
what we learned from our time with Deeane is most important of all that happened there in that little cafe...we always learn bits and pieces about one another from encounters with others around us...small incidents can seem so important at times...at other times, they mean nothing at all....this sweet set of interaction was all about love. it was all about trust. all about the open hearts we have when we are together, you and I. we could see that we could show our feelings in front of the other without shame. without expectations of perfection. without doubt. accepted. for who we really are. taken in. for how we really feel. that our love could not be disturbed by any incident with others. that our trust of the other could not be diminished by any one person. that this love between us could only reach out in good and really kind ways to others. that we could take people in without losing the love of the other. that we could pass through other's lives with meaning. could be of use to those around us. and, that these times with others only made us a stronger team together. a true marriage of hearts and minds and bodies and wills. capable of extending love... not constraining love. we learned that we are one when there is work to be done with people. when they need us. and that people will recognise this in us. that they will see our openess in our faces. that they will feel welcomed by us. cared for by us. even helped by us, if they need our help. these were good things to see in ourselves together. very good things to see...mostly, to see how strong we are together. how strong this love is: this love can accomplish everything. this love can endure everything. this love is everything for us...and spills over into the world outside of us....
there are times that turn the tides in any relationship. Deeane was only one of many tides we have been through in our short time in the so-called real world together...our hearts and minds, which have held each other close for so many years of our lifetimes, were tested in that little cafe. could our promises to each other hold true? could our love sustain compassion and caring for others? could we admire and appreciate and even love others, and still have our love be the best and strongest of all our feelings for others. could we hold true in the face of any other storms...could we rescue others caught in the waves of those storms of life?...we have found that we can. that we do. Deeane's sweet mouth... we hope it is curling into more smiles now. that her life is good again. that it will always be good....
she moves back to our table. we have left ten dollars. and my Kenndy silver dollar...for good luck. she looks startled...up and down...to the door where we are already no longer there. she puts our little gifts into her pocket...goes over to another table...
would you like some more coffee?...
can I get you anything else?....
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