Fly Away

love at seventy was not what he had expected. he had wrinkles. for one. she had noticed them. of course she had. and his abs were not flabby. but they were not young. he had sucked them in. she noticed that, too. and the pictures of Marcella. and how he limped a bit when he got out of bed or stood up from sitting too long. on account of the gouty arthritis in his feet. damn. and he was using breath fresheners until he practically got sick from the cloying tastes of all those products. the ones to keep you from smelling old while you're trying to kiss. he was getting a bit tired of dating services too...

everyone wanted somebody who was honest. who was kind. who would love them just as they are. just as I am. he said it out loud. he really wanted some one who wouldn't nag at him about his share of the chores. who wouldn't sigh when he put on the monday night football games. who would be a good cook, but not all about meals at the table every night. who wouldn't travel with too much luggage. who would never complain when the make-up case was lost by the airway. on account of she didn't wear any makeup. but still looked great. even with a few wrinkles. who would sweat nice. and be good at sex. even if she was older. like him...

so he was dating. he was traveling with women friends. who had benefits, as they say. who made love OK. who didn't want him for a life-time partner. good friends. civilized. capable travelers. they gave nothing he didn't expect. so the travels held no surprises. but they held no disasters either. no dramas. he was way done with dramas. no need to cry for hours. no restless body. wanting more. always wanting more. he actually wanted less. less would be great. he was sure of that. so then. why was he actually 'looking for love'? which was what he was doing. but he didn't know why...

well. loneliness maybe. plenty of people in his life. but you can be lonely anyway. he was. sometimes, when he was out on the boat, he thought about what life had been like with Marcella. it had been a good marriage for about three years. most marriages are. he guessed. she had been a good wife. she had been a kind woman. but completely unexciting. often unhappy. about her art. which was not good. she persisted with it though. and about having children. which he wasn't excited about. and they couldn't get pregnant. they tried for five years. the years were pretty horrible. really. all on schedule. it was like a nightmare. they stopped trying. then she got depressed. now it was about thirty years later. they had married too late. had nothing but money to show for it. all the same. art shows. his work. her work. travel. which she wasn't good at. and didn't really like. she asked for a divorce. he so-called 'gave' it to her. he had really been so relieved he would have tossed it to her if she could have stood the rejection. as it was. he let her think she had rejected him. gave her half of everything. kept the picture up. out of habit. so that when she'd come to the few suppers or parties he held she would feel good. that he missed her. which he didn't. he was starting to wonder if he had anything to give another woman besides 'friendship with benefits'. he was starting to listen to maudlin songs about loss and love the second or third time around. whatever....

then he met Cathrine. she wasn't his type. or to be specific. she wasn't the friend/lover/no strings attached type. she seemed pretty intense. right from the beginning. she didn't flirt. didn't wear makeup (a plus). didn't want to travel all over the world like he did. since she knew how much of the world was hot and humid. I don't do hot and humid. she was clear about that. most women would just tough it out. he had money. security. a little hot and humid could be tolerated. at least until they'd hook him. she just told the truth. when he tried to impress her with the boat was another thing. she had been nice about it. but told him she liked paddling canoes more than anything. feeling closer to the water. his boat was more a yacht. big inboard. cabin. the works. she did smile and said something about how nice it must be to be able to sleep right out on the water like that. but he had never actually slept on the boat...he couldn't think why he never had. probably because Marcella hadn't liked the boat. and he had never offered it to the women friends. just had never come up somehow....

she was a vegetarian too. most countries were not good feeding places for vegetarians. except for the really hot and humid ones. and she didn't do very 'hot' dishes either. also a big part of the really hot and humid parts of the world...
so what were they going to have in common? a lot of the places he traveled in had thousands of poor people you had to take in stride. she told him she wasn't able to be comfortable around hundreds of very deprived people. she was an RN. she could only think of how they needed and needed. it would destroy any good times in those parts of the world. for her. she understood that it was culturally right to accept these people. she just 'chose' not to do that. I chose to see that they are suffering. no matter how pc it is to be quiet about that. I'm just not the type who can. where would she travel? any places that didn't have all these bits she restricted for herself. he just didn't know what to say about that....

Cat was very nice looking for a sixty five year old gramma. slim and nicely dressed. nothing fancy. basic very nice clothes. she had lots of talents. she was very passionate about them especially her singing. and her canoe. when I'm in the canoe. it's like I have wings to fly. that's what she said. he liked that... she was close to her family. had friends she loved. talked about love as if it were the most natural thing in the world. honest. very honest...maybe even a bit too honest. so much for getting what you ask for in the dating service profile. insisted that she was the best of all possible travelers. except for the hot and humid and poverty taboos. o well. almost perfect. so why was he hesitating? she was very affectionate. passionate about life besides....so why?....

he was afraid lately. of the apartment when it was empty of friends or lovers or family. when he was by himself. she wrote. when she was by herself...kept her from feeling the place too quiet. that's what she said... maybe 'afraid' was too strong. I just don't like it. it would be nice to have somebody there with me. who would care. it felt good to say that. he felt very honest... I know what you mean. she confided in him: I care about some one that way...that's what she said next. only he lives far away. he's married. I 'went with' him when I was a senior in high school. we're having a long-distance relationship. he may move out here to live with me. only nothing is certain yet. so I'm making friends right now. just friends. just in case he's not coming out here. somehow. just in case I'll be sad. and want to forget him somehow... god. there is was. the thing that was wrong. he had been waiting for that: a rebound to the rebound. since she had just gotten divorced that year. from her third husband... god... wasn't anybody just a simple and nice person any more? apparently not....

he was all torn up in a funny way. he didn't sleep well for a few nights. he was restless. probably another trip would help. where hadn't he gone yet? he had been to maybe thirty or so countries so far. never on a tour. always with a friend. man or woman. always to find out about the people. he was known for this. for being an intrepid traveler. good at being with people from other cultures. learning enough about the cultures and languages to do OK. really fine. everybody and every thing was so interesting. he could just keep doing this. try to figure out what he wanted to do yet. where he wanted to go. who he wanted to go with. to be with. who he wanted to be.

life wasn't that difficult. after all. not that lonely. he wasn't alone if he didn't want to be. that counted. he was sure of that. he still looked great. maybe it would all just naturally happen some day. maybe he would wait and see if Cat's guy came out to live with her at all. if he didn't. then maybe he'd give her a call again. see if she'd like to see the pictures of - well - where ever it was he was going next...

he scratched his slightly balding head. fingered his thin mustache...thought about everything. tried not to think about the future. looked out the window at the future. across the water. somewhere he hadn't gone yet. but he would go there. there were still so many places to see. people to experience. life was...yes. his life was. really. very good....

if I just had wings to fly. that's a line that kept going through his mind lately. corny line. kind-of silly. he didn't know why he was thinking of such a corny line...

if I just had wings to fly

if I just had wings to fly...

he sighed...

I'd fly away....