IMMAGINED NATION SOUTH AFRICA MY AFRICA is a short story from the travels of two men I've learned from about South Africa...where I probably will never go...because I'm troubled about memories about those men and who they were in my life...which wasn't so much after all....

IMMAGINED NATION SOUTH AFRICA MY AFRICA....Misa heard this the way a person would hear a song far away...she drew in her breath... Misa had been divorced from Al for many years when they finally decided to fulfill an old dream of theirs from their well-spent younger years and go to Africa together. They decided not to take the 'kids' for a change - tho usually they did. they both had a great deal of money: he by investments. her because her art was still so wonderful and still 'sold'... but the 'kids' were in their forties now. they had their own kids... it felt strange to have them leave their own families and just up and go to Africa with their folks. Misa and Al felt strange about it all too - in a way - in their separate own ways: so they decided to just go together. after all: they are civilized adults. it's reasonable that they could go as friends and come back as friends. that's what they told each other and they told the families that... what was the use - after all - of growing older: if they could not be civil with eachother is a magical setting such as South Africa would be.... Misa took the time to get all twenty of her nails and her hair and a facial 'done'. simply: because she was not vain. but a realist: that she was. Al's first impressions always outweighed further realities. if he thought she was still beautiful - at least still nice-looking-for-a-woman-of her-age - well then: that would be a good thing. he wasn't much for photos. so she would take the photos. that way she could edit out all the bad bits. their memories of this trip would knock his socks off for the rest of their lives. which meant - probably - another twenty years. for some reason this was just as important as the trip. memories are funny-strange stuff. they can be very important later on in life. what was left of life: important not to be depressed in this area - important to Misa. maybe not to Al. Misa had no idea what was important to Al anymore.... So they took off to South Africa. landed in Capetown naturally. had decided to take the Garden Route first. that was her choice...they drove along the coast with their binoculars at the ready...the Great Southerns had been spotted just that morning...moving in random small pods along the coast - whale spouts and tails at the ready for her and for Al. they'd be at the Grootbos Forest along the way: staying at the Lodge with the hectares of Fynbos spreading from their deck...not as lush plant life as in the west - they were told - but still beautiful at this time of the year. there were private reserves and parks all the way along the Route. there was no lack of animals to be seen. no way for the empty homesick feelings that sometimes plagued her in the Battles of Travel... Misa endured Travel gracefully: it was a class thing. she had always traveled... Europe - twice - before she was twelve. all over the globe - well: to all the places where civilization could be found in the midst of all there was to see - to experience: all safely.... Misa had been born and bred in a poor family. dirt poor. they had been catapulted into newly-rich by a dead uncle's will... Al's family had been OK. he had to make his money: he did. he made his money. all honestly as well. that was a good thing. he was a bit proud of all that. well as he should be... she couldn't relate to the money tho. she could spend it all right. she just couldn't feel OK about it. she always felt more comfortable feeling poor. which she wasn't... she had been a drag that way. he wanted some adventure from all this money. she wanted security. not being a risk-takin'-woman: she had bored him. if anyone had noticed it. bored him. even tho he sort-of loved her: the way you love a wife who is the mother of your kids. like you love your own mother. not romantic. but faithful: in his own fashion. the way you are to family... she would always be family. but they traveled very differently. he spent and didn't worry: simply enjoyed. very much: enjoyed. she worried: wanted something more. for less money. worried about the money. forgot to enjoy - often forgot. she was sorry for that. but it was true about her... Africa cost. cost too much. for what it gave. that was what she thought. at first... and the people seemed very foreign to Misa. tho they all spoke English. their world was different than hers. difference had always upset her deeply:as much as the money spent. the maid at the Lodge at the seashore on the Route had family. she told Misa all about all of them. each child and grandchild - while she was cleaning and so on. Misa was intrigued with her English. which was strongly accented. but clear. the cleaning woman was Taka or something like that. she had been raised in a township as a little kid. she said there was still apartheid. in a way. only now it wasn't legal anymore. and many blacks were in politics. she was glad there weren't curfews tho. there had been. back before Mandela and all. Misa felt like she was being patronized - for some reason. it suddenly occurred to her that she didn't have Al's great ability to find out all about the reality of other people's lives. she always behaved badly somehow... he always had conversations with folks from other countries as if they already knew each other well. he always read about them and their countries ahead of time. then he remembered all about what he read. then he listened and put two and two together or something. then the people liked him: this was already happening in South Africa. he even was learning all the names of all the flowers and the animals and plants and so on - all in the Fynbos. already: not knowing the names: Misa was starting to feel claustrophobic. the way she did in foreign places. the trip was a mistake. only: not for Al... Al was happy: at Timbavati Game Preserve he saw his cheetah. a sleek and truly beautiful cheetah. and wild and glorious. in a sunset. against the sunset. true to who he is: he did not photograph the cheetah. he simply was there with the cheetah. Misa would have put the distance of the camera between herself and the animal. tried and tried to capture him safely. Al just stood there with him. this was a emblazonment on both of their minds: that he still was present to what he saw. that she still wanted to capture what she saw. that he would remember alone if need be. that she would want to show everyone the photo. blow it up to larger and larger than life if she had to: to remember it her way. safely. at the distance of the camera. with its eyes. not with hers. not really. this was still the difference between them. it was a very large distance between them as well. Addo was the park area where all the almost tame elephants were...that there were so few wild elephants left on the Route was a source of sadness for Misa. she felt an uncanny empathy with the elephants: the feeling of being trapped - while really being so well-cared-for and so free to do as she wished. she drew and painted many of the elephants. she thought she was capturing them an individuals. later when she looked with care: she saw only one elephant: a grand old dame. big and elephantine and funny. a joke. without purpose. she hadn't ever read into her art before right there: not the way she was doing now: she sat on a bench on the oystered lagoon of Knysna later: saw the elephant as the huge metaphor she was making of her grandness: her enclosed grand self: safe in the confines of the System of the parks of Africa: wildness long gone. forgotten. enough food and drink. enough safety. no alertness in the eyes. the stance. relaxed in the sunrise. in the sunset. no trek to have to make for food. for shelter. an empty feeling somehow. but not worth beans: drama queen elephant. that's how it felt to Misa. she was starting to berate herself: for being so neurotic in so much beauty. so much plenty. as if she had ever known 'wild'! silly thought: unworthy. unworthy. It was the Sabi Private Game Preserve...just on the edge of the huge Kruger Park: this unfenced and luxurious park: that finally brought Misa to her knees - inside of her own self: something ended...Al was out on the safari. happy as usual. just seeing the world. over and over again. his life was all this wonderful observations and learnings and encounterings. he questioned so little about his inner life. he was not like her. he was innocent of the over-indulgences of soul searching... so much more present than she ever had been. he was a Lucky One. that's what he was. no guilts. no need to patch and refinish and delete memories: all was exciting. or at least OK for him: always all right. no big problems that could not be solved...she was indeed neurotic. that's how Misa was starting to see it. it was terrible not to be able to just walk away from all his relentless presence in the world as it is. he was no saint of course. but he was no sinner either. he was just a man on the planet as it is...the Big Five animals waltzed all around them on the Preserve. unfettered. unplanned. so well-fed and appreciated. so present in this: one of the last wildernesses. kept wild by money and great care. care no true wilderness could promise them. it was a giraffe who wandered right past her window that captured her. it looked right into her eyes with its large black pupils: nonplussed. not caring. capable of giraffe life. not worrying about any other life at all. simply alive. alive to itself. to the others in its little herd. to the privilege of being in this one spot. this one time. all this life around it and in it and through it and without it. MIsa saw it and cared about what she thought she had just learned. she knew she would remember this. she hoped she would not paint it. or distort it... but she knew that actually: in time: she probably would do all of that.... At the airport: Al was kind. he had been kind the entire adventure. they agreed it had been a very beautiful trip. the coast and the parks and the animals and the plant life: it had all been beautiful. the sunrises and the sunsets. different and lovely: the skies being so different: as they always are in other countries than your own. the food and wines had been splendid. the people were gracious. it had all been unexpectedly fascinating. and unexpected. especially: unexpected. the cheetah had been most moving. he had moved Al. Al felt like the cheetah was a brother in spirit. to his spirit. that was an unusual thing for him to say. he said it so matter-of-factly: Misa almost missed it. but she didn't miss it. not really. Al would always be an enigma to her. still: she respected him more now that they had taken this last journey together. if it was to be their last...this time she did not promise to send copies of her pictures. Al did not ask for them either. he would remember as he did. or not. there were new places he already was planning to visit. he loved the world. truly loved the world. just as it was. there. to be in... Misa knew it would never be that way for her. the elephant she had painted: she would frame that elephant. she would hang it where it would remind her...but of what it would remind her...she did not know...she was not sure....