NOT OF THIS WORLD: THE OUTLAW GRAMMA
I am KathyAnneRiverPerson: the Outlaw Gramma. I'm an Outlaw because
I've lost so many Inlaws when I left husbands and boyfriends. and
friends too. some of them stay. but I lost the ones I needed losing.
as the song goes. found others on the way. that's been the way it's
been...
on account of the trip we want to take down the Mississippi in a
couple of summers. from headwaters into the Gulf. in one canoe: I'm
starting to write a lot more defensively...I'm starting to live more
openly. yet more defensively...right now my back is shot and I'm a
whiner and feel tired a lot of the time. my Den is huge of tummy and
sits about too much at present. both of our diets are not terribly
healthy. yet: we plan this trip. we may as well. we're both sixty-seven.
both want to get out of the bay area of San Francisco: too expensive
for older people who have no savings. that's us. we've been thrifty
enough in our lives. but we have nothing left but the work of our own
hands. both have family - three kids apiece - all grown and very busy
with their kids and grandkids and all...dozens of them!....
I certainly have done exactly what I wanted to do my whole life.
that's sometimes been quite wonderful. sometimes it's been pretty bad.
other people have either loved me quite a bit for who I've been and
am. or have really disliked me powerfully... and were happy I was out of
their lives. same for my Denny. we are both Outlaws. never have
cheated on the world or stole or anything. never killed anybody. tried
to help most who came into our lives. loved many. hated very few - if
at all. worked hard for those we loved. tried to have a creative life
when we could. were romantic and wanted full love - whatever that meant
at the time for us. dumb idea... but here we are. being happy. and poor.
in spite of having no money: lots of plans for the future. in spite of
being old. happy enough. in spite of pain and heartaches: weird folk.
that's what we are at present. so it goes...
all of us are confused with the past. the future is present perfect.
so time is fluid-ing away as usual. with nowhere to go...looking at
life at this end is very strange: all the relationship judgements and
patterns that seemed so important 'then': seem less so important in
the 'now'...yet I can still be pulled into the dramas quite a bit. I
am more flawed than ever. if people say I'm wise: I always crack up! I
was much more wise when I was very, very young. then: I saw life as it
could be. now I just see it as it is. which - frankly - any one can
see...
even these musings are so extraneous! you would think my voice would
talk itself into silence. but it does not.I feel like saying what I
need to say forever...
still: the more I hear...the more I carefully listen....
the more I look...the more I really see....
the more I touch...the more I truly feel....
the more I taste...the more I am grateful....
the more I smell...the more beauty is there for me....
the more I intuit...the more accurate about life I am....
the more I tell the truth...the more reality I understand....
the more reality I experience...the less I know about life....
the longer I live...the less wisdom I experience....
the less I worry about this life...the more wonderful life is for me....
the more I give in this life...the more I get out of my life....
the less hurt I cause....the happier I am....
the happier I am...the more love I have to give....and...
the more love I have to give...the more I am loved right back....
So go these realizations and ruminations....!
I believe I will close now...
time to tell more stories than my own....
let's go and talk with new characters in new stories I will tell -
let them be brave enough to speak new words....
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