REMEMBERING THE LOVING TIMES is a Flow-of-Ideas....that's it!

REMEMBERING THE LOVING TIMES

that age of innocence...age of confidence business...the person who is 'the one'...the ache in the chest over the heart area when certain people kiss you that doesn't happen when other people kiss you...remembering all the loving times...looking every night for that one person who will love you for who you are. really. as if you knew who you are even by yourself...living a long long time going up down staircases...adding it all up...how many years you had sex...with how many people...why it was so important once....why it still is when you are old...how the young assume that you don't have that much desire when you are older. that is to say: old. how you can have one year or fifteen more years maybe. to just do what you want. only people will keep on saying what you should do. even when you are so old you'd think they would just let you be. but if they did let you be then you'd be even more lonely. still wanting soul mates. sometimes finding even one or even two. but they're older too and they have done what they meant to do even if they don't think of it that way. so now there is so much to have to undo if they were ever going to change their ways. there was a time you assumed happiness was something attainable instead of something accidental. now you know it is really accidental. many days of the every year are unremarkable and don't have an impact on your life. but then you answer a letter. or get to work late. or run a red light. or stop to buy something you don't need. or get a job you didn't want. or get a raise you did want. and you meet some body. you don't meet people often except by such coincidence. there are no miracles. and maybe nothing is meant to be. except there are bits of fate. they hit. and your life changes. and you want to go away rather than face it. or them. and it seems more real than real. but this is a stranger. yet you feel higher inside than the lower places you sometimes occupy. maybe you knew him in another life. romance isn't that rare. living it out. now that is rare. trusting that something that feels like true love is worth more than the past. worth more than money. security. more than anything. as if security and money and the past are real. and true love isn't. as if the reality that you are going to die with or with out love. so why not have love as much as possible. that's what you ask your very self all of your life. you want to know. is there any one out there who will risk more than you risk. who will risk at least as much as you risk. who will learn how to throw off the armor and will learn how to ride the white horse naked and come to rescue you anyway. that you will save him too. or them even. it may be more than one man. you may have quite a few men in your life and have had more than five years of really good times with each one of them. when you add it all up you realize that it's been actually thirty-five years out of the forty-five that you spent with six major relationships and a whole bunch of smaller ones....twenty in all....and all thirty-plus of those years were happy and full of sex and even devotion. still you spend nights waiting for calls from loved men that do not always happen. with a very unbecoming greediness. more unbecoming as the years go by. and you are all about touch. touch. touch. every thing that you thought was thought in your head is just manipulations to get more touch. you are mainly benign. you still grow on people. you aren't lethal exactly. but you are not always that good for people either. some people feel strongly that you are very bad for them. and for their children as well. they want to avoid you very much. they are sure you are very neurotic. what seems like coincidence is that you change major relationships every ten years. sometimes a little less. even when you try not to change them. the fail anyway. or maybe fail is not the right word. but it can sure look like failure to the outside of your little world. others admire your obviously sex-laden change pattern. they admire it from afar though. they look triumphantly at their long-time partners. as if to say that they weathered that particular storm. over and over. and emerged triumphant. the couple that stayed together. who now look fondly at each other. because the war is over. they won. of course the years were not all good. actually have to admit that many of them were very much not good. and a lot of them were sexless. but by god they stayed together. for the kids. for security. for a nice retirement time. the trip to Europe. the grandparenting together. the American way of coupledom. whereas you have skipped hither and thither being all neurotic and changing all the time and scaring and scarring everybody else in sight. still a very interesting and loving person. but not to be trusted for the long term the long term being very important. having reached it. they know. only sometimes they have to admit that they are a bit jealous. all those intense and happy times you had. all that change and excitement. all the different ways of life and living you tried. and succeeded at even. your life was not boring. that's for sure. but what do you have to show for it. you have no money. well it is true that you always seem to have enough. but you don't have a nest-egg for the future. not that their nest eggs haven't fallen out of the nest quite often and broken on the pavement of life before. or been eaten up by the snakes of misfortune. or simply rotted in the nest and meant nothing. or they got to die within a few years on either side of retirement without ever getting to use that nest egg for anything at all. but then they did leave a lot of money for the kids. that was nice. You just have to ask sometimes why none of that ever ever appealed to you at all. you have to wonder why so many friends and family stick to you even though you have lived life exactly by your own admittedly culturally off way of life with such will and with such brazen honesty. as if that honesty could save you. there are plenty of places on this cruel tho wonderful planet where you would have been stoned. killed outright. shunned. exiled. ostracised. sent off to the laundries for life. for just all the men. for having had so many men. when you were a child. even then. when you announced that you were going to be a lover man when you grew up. and you were a little girl. people laughed. but they were a bit uncomfortable from then on. you were a lot like your father. sat and fished like him. loved the water like him. could stay in swimming way too long. in the cold water. not a natural little girl. later. your sex life. more like a man would do it. too much sex. you are just like your father. that's what they would say. and shake their heads. he died happy though. with a woman who loved him just as he was. made him purr in her very presence. that's what you want. to be loved like that. for you exactly as you are. without all the judgement. all the tisk-tisk-ing. all the rejection. when all you are is a ball of touching. of feeling all of the time. of passion that does not turn off. just smolders. waiting on the front burner. not on the back burner. all heart. not a clear thought in your head about relationship. she's gone with the man in the long dark coat. not hardly one song that doesn't have some bit about love or sex in it. singing all day. humming feeling. one touch. and you are right there. ready to go. never stopping. the other person winds up passing out. or having to say something to stop. you don't stop. you don't even notice that you aren't stopping. you are just like you are when you are diving in the ocean. or in a lake. or paddling on a river. unable to leave the water. people have to remind you that you are almost out of air. that the day is over. the night is coming on. the dawn is coming on. in sex. on the water. in the water. these are all one place to you. you have no way to let them be. no way to leave. you are one thing in sex with another. you are one thing with ocean. the lake. the river. the man. and there is not longer anything that can be done. you must pray to gods who are stern. humans like you are rare. and the rare is exotic. the exotic is sought in nature. and then it is destroyed. humans are not kind to the exotic. you have to be strong. carry your mild but personal poison well hidden. so that all the other animals will know. don't go to that one. you may die trying to sip that nectar. it may be true. it may not. only you know. that you have loved every man you ever left. exactly the same way you had always loved them. which was not enough. for you. for them. they couldn't bear the constant touch. some one knowing them that well. not interrupting their lives at all. not judging them. they wanted a little negative edge. someone not so accepting. it grew unexciting not to be scolded the way they were as boys. you were never their mama. always their lover. always separate from them though. not subservient. not dominant. more like a twin. circling kindly around them. not interfering with their lives at all. downright unwomanly of you. affectionate. passionate. but not normal. that's what they thought. even when you left them. you didn't grieve around them. no drama. not natural in a woman. and too honest. who needs it. a little dishonesty is fun in a woman. the truth hurts badly. quick and even kind sometimes. but a cut. all the same. a clean cut that heals. but you hurt them anyway. that's the bottom line. so what is there to remember then. you say you remember the loving times. these times you remember very very well. the kissing and the hugging and the sex. always the sex. and the meals together and the quiet sweet times. and the loud fun times. the times with family. with friends. holidays. day by day good heart. good talks. looking at old things and new things. looking at the birdies and all that. trying new things to do. to think about. meeting new people. including them in the glow. having the glow. feeling that you belong in the arms of some one else. sharing that wealth of love every time some one else hugs and kisses you. being warm. because you are warm. and he is warm. and you are together. every one knows that. you may have had a ceremony and a big party to celebrate that. you may not have. doesn't matter. every body knows. that's the way it is. the Loving Times...all those years of Loving full-time. making your life a life of Loving. no other thought in mind. no other view. your occupation: Love. that's what you do....that''s what you do....Love. that's what you do.........