VARIATIONS ON THE THEME VIGNETTE is about how we do not change that much in life...we still come-through all that time and space: our selves. who we are. who we have always been....

VARIATIONS ON THE THEME VIGNETTE

People change. that's what people say. but you know, I'm not too sure. not at all... every one I've ever known seems just to be playing variations on the themes that make them who they are. if you've know them long enough, you can see it clear. they are all the same as when they were kids. children inside. clear and easy to see. you just got to look right. into their eyes is best...

Dave M was a perfect example, I thought. He had been so much fun as a kid, at times... he was the class clown. sometimes he got really angry. lost his temper. he was the kind of kid who could change on you. he would be joking. then he'd be setting you crying. being mean. so mean, you would cry. really unkind stuff. like that you had a bad smell. or pimples. or stringy hair. or were too small. or too tall. didn't matter. he's just be mean. smiling all the way while he made you feel bad about yourself... sometimes he would turn around in his desk and sneeze into your face. when you made a stink about that, the nun just yelled at both of you. but he was so yucky like that. a lot....

When he got older, in high school, he got stuck into a Catholic Military School. he was fat in his uniform. had bad acne himself. so now he would just attack direct. nothing funny about it... he could be cruel for sure. like when I walked into the wrong restroom, on account of not having my eyeglasses on, and being myopic and all. he asked me to dance. and I agreed to dance with him, because no one else had asked me...yet. and he asked, with that nice-boy-mean smile on his face, if I had been in the Boys Room. I looked him right in the pimpled face and said No that I hadn't been. that took care of that conversation. but he had gotten me. and we both knew it...

I used to hope that guys like him would have unhappy lives. but I wasn't mean enough to hope that kind of thing for more than a minute or two. then I'd start to feel actually a bit sorry for him. someone who had to put people down all the time - in order to make-it himself. in order to feel OK about his big mean self... I couldn't hold the grudge. but I wanted to hold it. I wanted to grow up to be a swan from my obvious and very long ugly-duckling stage. then I'd run into him and he'd see that I was actually gloriously good-looking and smart and all. that he had been wrong to be so mean to me so often....

Here's what actually happened. I was back in my home town. I was actually gloriously good-looking. also intelligent-looking, I might add. I was just checking out my old haunts with my sisters. being all reminiscent and nostalgic. We drove past a Used-Car Lot. and there stood Dave M. I was sure it was him. he was still very fat. and tall. and a bit acne-splotched still. he just happened to look up and saw me. he blushed. turned really, really red. looked flustered. then he looked angry. What you staring at, Lady? Do I know you? no, you don't...anymore....I used to know you in grade school and a couple of times in high school. that's it. that's what I said.

I knew I was looking at him with pity, tho I didn't mean to. I wanted to look compassionate. or maybe even kind. or at least neutral. but you know, I couldn't fake it. I wanted to. but what came out was just raw pity. he just hadn't changed at all. it was written on his face. his body talked the same. the same clowning - but under all smiles, the mean kid. here we were, like, fifteen years older and should have been wiser. but were not.

I could still be hurt by his mean self. and he could do the mean bit just as good as ever.

I was simply floored. I was so not together. he was so not together as well. there should have been changes! we should have been able to be kind to each other - because of knowing more about life. on account of having gone through more - being experienced and all. having seen the world. had kids (well, at least I had...didn't know about him)...we were so much older. it should have showed somehow. we should have been more capable humans. instead, it was the same old stimulus. same old response. what was it about this that was nagging at me? maybe it was the fates: that we all are still, inside, who we always were. and where does human will come in there? gotta wonder...I was standing there wondering....

Do you want to buy a car, or what?

hmmmmm. I think I want the 'what'...
I want to know why we are so much the same person all of our lives.
why we play out our lives like variations of the same old theme.
and we call that growth. or maturing. or being grown-up. adult.
or not...
I really want to know!

No thanks, I said.

Just looking...

we drove quietly away...

What are you thinking about? my sister asked me...

Nothing. Everything. just Life...you know...

I know. she said.
I do.
I know...
Really. all about it....