THANKSGIVING...
he was going to be leaving her again. all day the kids had been naughty and restless. they always knew when he was going to leave. kids just could sniff out the tension in the air like crazy. it made them crazy for sure. they even had a food-throwing fight right at the table. Kit had a fit about that. you kids are going straight to bed in an hour! that's it! I've had it!...stuff like that. yes. it was definitely a Dad's-Going-Away- kind of night. he felt suddenly trapped in the sad sameness of it all. these returns to war were bad. take the Leave. then war. R and R. then war. on and on. it was crazy-making for every single body he knew.
Kit was the worst of course. she was always so brave about it. her lips had gotten thinner over time. from holding her trap shut. not saying all the anger and sadness that was inside of her. because it wouldn't do any good at all. but it was tearing her apart. over and over and over and over. she never even shed one tear. as they say. shed one tear. not in front of him. but Sally was only six. she didn't know how not to tell. so she told him: Mama cries every night. Daddy. you need to be home every night. else Mama will just cry every night... he tried to tell her about how Daddy had to be a soldier for America. to keep America free. but Sally wasn't buying that one bit: Mama's crying... she made her voice firm so he'd get it. he got it... and the boy. Jake. he was only four. he would be really quiet when Daddy first came home. for a long time. then he'd start to play again. and laugh. they were starting to play ball together. the kid could really catch and throw. he loved to watch baseball and football games with his Daddy. but when Daddy was gone...Kit told him: he never plays with the balls or watches the games when you're gone. that made him feel even worse.
Deployments were the same word as Nightmares. get your gear in order. pack up. go down to the base. finish the paper work. get checked over. get the flight set up. go back home. say good bye to the folks. say good bye to friends. say good bye to the kids lightly: Daddy will be gone for a little bit again. to work as a soldier again. but I'll be back. I'll be back. I'll be back....not say good bye to Kit at all. she finally had said it at the third Deployment: I should'of married that rodeo guy. then all I'd have to worry about would be broken bones and him getting tanked on the pay before he came home. at least we'd have the trophies on the wall...so he stopped saying good bye. he's kiss her lightly and pat her fanny. say: see you. take care. be well. give my love to the kids every night and every morning. big kisses and hugs to you. I'll skype you soon as I can....her lips would get tight like that. she'd say: OK Pete. just that: OK Pete. just OK....
being back to the War was always really really terrible. not one guy said one word of that tho. they just wouldn't look at eachother's faces. much less in eachother's eyes. never would. there was nothing to say. they all had chewed-up hearts. souls out of reach. for sure. losses and pains that were just going to fester for years. if not forever. what was there to say about that? same old same old....orders. more orders. some rest. some food. some sleep. some cards. skype the wife. maybe the kids too: Daddy's fine. I'm well. how are you doing honey? how was the ball game? you didn't go? go next time with Uncle Joe. OK? go for Daddy. tell me about the game. tell me more about your picture. Sal. Sally is Daddy's Girl! Daddy loves you...did you pay that bill? Kit? are you OK? how is Ma? and Dad? well. got to go. bye...same old same old. he always had a real hunger to see them on the video screen. the hunger stayed while he was talking with them looking hard at them. then they were off line. and he was hungry again. worse than before.
he had been listening to winter warrior tapes lately. his buddy had brought them back. kind-of snuck them in a movie DVD. all guys talking about how all these deployments had messed up their lives. and their wives's lives. and their kid's lives. every single body in their life was all caught up in this deadening drama. it was like some lousy soap opera. only it so desperate. so very real. so very real. guys dying. dead. getting maimed. orders coming. go here. stay there. kill here. guard there. stand here. run there. rest. up. eat. shower. kill. rest. pack. carry. drive. kill. eat. sleep. skype the wife and kids. watch the movie. next order. it just kept going on. and going on. and going on. all the stuff they never talked about while deployed. never. Pete didn't know what to make of it. was it betrayal to see how they felt? they were out of the action. winter soldiers. all gray. older. trying to rebuild their lives stateside. were they traitors? lots of them had bad injuries. they were living in the VA hospitals more than at home. not much sense in being at home anyway. that's what one of them said. they all look at me like I'm a zombie. or some cartoon. like in a video game. what was it like over there? damn. what do they expect me to say?....Pete wondered what it would be like if he could get out. his tour of duty was going to be over soon...what would he say....he wondered if any one would call him a winter soldier. he doubted that. for sure.
he was terribly tired. terribly tired.. not being able to ever tell the truth about his life. that really hurt... having people looking at him like he was an alien. that really hurt too. the people they were supposed to be helping. the people they were supposed to be hurting. killing. the people at home they were supposed to be still loving somehow. did still love somehow. whatever love meant. trying to still believe that God cared. about him specifically. praying that God was taking care of his wife and his kids. which he personally wasn't doing. since he wasn't there. and mainly. mainly: trying to be human. pretending that he was some sort of special human. who could live like this over and over again. and still come out very human. and loving too. and loved too. as if....
there were some nice people there the last time he got off of the plane. coming home for leave. they were all pretty old. wearing caps and jackets with American flags on them. really kind people. they shook his hand kindly. thank you for serving America. we sure do appreciate what you've done...he thanked them right back... for coming out to welcome us home. it was three in the morning. some of these old folks had gotten up at one or so. just to come and welcome them home. it was odd. but sort of cool...only no one was there to say good bye when they left though. it was quiet. no one standing there to shake his hand and say: so long. don't get your self killed. come home in one piece. you hear? soldier?...he had to laugh to himself. wouldn't that be something? you'all come back in one piece now! you hear?....had to laugh....
these orders were going to not be so bad. he wouldn't be home this Thanksgiving coming up. but he was going to get to come home for Christmas. he had been able to tell Kit that. only this year she didn't look too hopeful and excited about that. she was just kind. she just said: I hope so. Pete. I sure hope so... well. she was a good Service Wife. never complained. but she was sure on her last legs over this marriage. she was running to whole show for too long. well. better not to dwell on that so much. there was work to do. it was night when they got onto the base. some of the guys were there. others were not. of course. some of them were out of their tours for good. arguing their own argument with their families at home. about how they were going to fit back in and all. some of them were still in the VA system getting care for head stuff or wounds and stuff. others were just dead. none of them talked about the the just-dead-ones. they just all pulled out the cigs and lit up. end of discussion. so. this would be his fifth Thanksgiving away from home. hopefully his last. he was thinking of leaving these good ol' armed services. before his time up would be settled for him. by some sniper. or some maneuver he just would be in-the -way-of. the wrong time in the wrong place. it was getting to seem pretty random. all told....
Halloween came and went. he saw the kids in their costumes. Kit made them their little costumes. per usual. really cute. Sal was Mary Had A Little Lamb. with a stuffed lamb. Jake was a GI Joe. he stood with his sturdy little legs apart and looked tough for his Daddy on skype. his Daddy saluted him right back. Kit was being all cheerful. saying sweet stuff... he was actually really bummed after that skype. it had been way too good. like a show put on for him. didn't feel real. he guessed it was as real as things were going to be for awhile tho. he hadn't had more than a short phone call since then.
now it was Thanksgiving. he got into the skype line early. with all the other guys with kids. the single guys had to wait. of course. the kids came first. he was starting to get hungry for some turkey. somehow they were going to have turkey today. that was the rumor anyway. they were pretty far from the base. but living on rumors like that was cool. gave Pete something to dwell on. he found himself saying dwell-on a lot lately. several guys had teased him about it: Pete's dwellin' on somethin'... that's what they'd say when he seemed far away. it actually wasn't good to be far away for long. you could lose your edge. which you needed to always have. your edge...
everything was kind in a mess at home. when he finally got through to them. Kit was irritated about her bird. it was already too dry. she was going over to his parent's for the day. she had insisted on doing the turkey this year. but she had slept through one of the basting times. or something like that. so the turkey was getting too dry. Pete had no idea what to say about that. Jake was whining about something or other. Pete told him to act like a man. which sounded pretty stupid to say to a little kid. but what the hell. this wasn't the contact he had been hungry for. for like weeks. Sally was sweet tho. you're Daddy's little sweetheart? right? right? she said yep... yep! she used to tell him she was going to marry him. after mama would get unmarried to him. now she didn't say that anymore. she had slipped out of that stage of things without him even being there. he sure was missing damn near everything. he didn't even ask Jake anything about ball playing or ball games. what the hell was the use...Kit got back on. well. we're going to go with the damn old turkey just the way it is. it's just the way it is. you OK? Pete? we love you. we miss you. we wish you were here. I wish you were here to tease your Ma. to tell her we missed basting the turkey because we were too busy making love. like you usually gave her as an excuse. wish you were here to do that for me...sure. Pete laughed for the first time: I wish I was there to do that too. I really do. babe. I really do...
so that was it. no body mentioned turkey the rest of the day. because the turkey never came. not even canned stuff. it had gotten rerouted somewheres else. figured. they had good food though. way better than the usual. it had been a quiet day really. way too quiet for where they were. it always happened: the enemy knew when the holidays were. hoped that they were all drunk or overfed or preoccupied or something. maybe it was better not to have turkey. made you sleepy anyway. some of them were napping. some just listened for the scores of the Thanksgiving games. that was the only thing preoccupying some of them. then all hell came down.
the enemy wasn't even supposed to have had a clue about their position. that's how secret this whole maneuver had been. well. guess not. they knew everything about everything apparently. they were all over them. all about them. there was the usual quick quick shuffle. they all knew the routine. they were covering here and playing-through all over the place there. everything was going A-1. but they sure were taking a licking anyway. all hell coming through. all hell to pay. so. Pete got hit.
he knew it was going to happen. these kind of stories always have someone getting hit. not an easy scene to miss. when you're in action: it's war. somebody is always getting hit. wounded. or dying. or dead...Pete didn't feel the hit. that was bad. he couldn't move. so it was some nerves somewhere in his body. maybe his spine. this was not good. he had often thought: better dead than in some wheelchair for life. not being able to move. and here he was. not feeling a thing. some men checking on him: you OK? shite no... OK man. we'll get you out of here... sure man. don't worry about me. go kick butt... men flying past him. men who could still move. he felt fear growing. couldn't even move one muscle yet. this was way not good at all. way bad bad bad. he tried to stay alert. but stuff was fading. he heard some kids singing. that couldn't be right. it was getting dark. for real. and all around him too. it was OK right now not to feel anything. better than pain. maybe better than pain. then he was out.
he came-to crying hard. he was feeling pain now for sure. here. there. everywhere. he was in transport tho. that part was good. he wasn't dead or nothin'. not yet. maybe it was good he was feeling pain. only he still felt like he couldn't move. he could see that the damn IV was in the vein wrong. his arm was puffing up from fluid. he got some guy over to fix that pronto. asked where he had been hit... do you really want to know?.. well shite. not now. not when you say it like that. sure dude. tell me...spine. upper spine. you feelin' a thing?...yep.here and there...well. good sign. just rest now. you hear? ...yes. I hear. that's one thing I can do. and see. and speak. but I'm willing to bet that I'm peeing all over my self. cuz I can smell it. but I can't feel a thing down there...best to pass out again. Pete tried that...nothing happened.....
all he could think of was how he was out of this war now. there was going to be the VA for months and years and stuff. Kit was going to have to take care of him. Jake was going to have to play ball with Joe forever. his uncle Joe. who would be just-like-a-second-dad for him. he was going to have to wheel himself down the aisle to take Sally down it for her wedding day. there'd be a tear in one or two eyes. Kit would talk about divorce. Kit would leave when the kids left. he'd go live with Joe. who never had married. Joe would get paid by the VA for being his attendant and all. Pete would get a clerk job. he would stay working for Uncle Sam...he would be a real soldier still. not a winter soldier. he decided never to complain.
after all. he's the one who had picked this. the buck stopped with him. it was all his doing. nobody else was to blame. war was war. he'd hang out with other service people. not with the vets at some corner bar. with the people still serving. not giving up on America. not saying no. simply because he couldn't feel below the chest. couldn't move below the waist. he wasn't alone here. lots of others like him. Joe would help him get his uniform on every morning. there was a lot to do on the base. he was part of it all...Pete could see it. it would be just that way...
Pete started counting his blessings. what he was thankful for. he gave thanks to God that he was alive. that the enemy hadn't killed him. the way he had hoped for. now he didn't feel like that. he was glad he was still alive. at least he could be with family for a long time. before the kids would leave the nest. before the marriage would finally crumble. he'd have friends and work. care from the government. for the rest of his days. there was surely a lot to be thankful for.
there sure was. wasn't there?....he found he could turn his neck a little. just like he had been hoping. and his right arm a little too. he waved a bit at the medic nearby: hey dude! sir! can you tell me: is it still Thanksgiving Day?...no man. it's the day after. just an ordinary regular old day in this man's war!...thanks man. thanks for helping me... thanks for me still not being dead. thanks for going home. going home...
going home.
I'm giving thanks here.
giving thanks
giving thanks
going home...
Pete closed his eyes.
sighed just one time...
and fell asleep....
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment