JOHNNY, I HARDLY KNEW YA...
This is a fiction, of course. It really is...it's based a bit on reality. and then it isn't. and then it is. mainly...it's a lesson in how much room the heart has for extra people...it turns out: not a lot, if you have a lot tied up in a full-fledged True Love..then there is less time and space left then you may think there is....
Johnny was an odd fellow, really...he was from Tasmania. his father was Australian and he was long gone. had left the family to go to the United States years before. took Johnny's sister Sally with him, who was only three at the time. his mom, Lucy, had all sorts of agencies and police and so on look for him for years. nothing had turned up ever. which seemed almost impossible... Johnny wished he had taken him instead. it would have been better for Sally and for his mom. it would have been better for him, for sure. he was useless to his mom. she had never been very fond of him. she and taught him many things about life. how to do the few things you have to do to survive. how to be a fair and reasonable man. best she could. but she did not love him. so it was not possible for her to teach him about love and how to love. Johnny was his father's likeness, vulnerable and sweet for a man child...and he hadn't lost that, it seemed, ever...so he needed that love and thought he was destined to look for love and to love forever...a romantic, of course, down to the bone....
Since he didn't do well in school and was a rebel as well, he never learned how to use his mind in ways that would make him money. left school at age fifteen...never went into formal schooling again....
he had a good mind. an original mind... he took to writing down his thoughts and bits and pieces of things he read. Shakespeare. cliches and sayings. anything that took his fancy. it was hard to follow his writings. they weren't organized like you learn in school. they were the blatantly honest musings of an uneducated and strikingly sensitive mind and heart...the running river of a spirited soul...they were one-of-a-kind...with no 'kind' to match them....his language was a mix of down-under and a pidgin sort of English. he came to the United States with these musings. and with his two honest hands and his good un-academic mind...he could do other things....that's how he began his way. he came to be a guy who moved in the World of Oil and Natural Gas...the World of Energy...which is a huge world indeed....
He was widowed, I soon learned. and had lost a child, too...a son?....I didn't ask right away...it wasn't the kind of thing you ask right away...he seemed eager to talk otherwise...but when the time came...he actually didn't....it was clear it was going to take a while to get to really know him...he had a lot to write about what he was like...all of it very positive...but no explanations for how he got to where he was. who he was. why a great guy like him wasn't with anybody since his 'Loss' - nothing about that Loss - why he was even in Southern Cal....just a great deal about how he needed a woman to grow old with, and how I could be the one....all too much too soon. too full of need. without explanation... intriguing...but still, neurotic enough to put up a tiny red flag...not a big one...he was too sincere and open to be harmful, somehow...and his written-English was limited enough to make it unclear how much of what he wrote was just hype. how much was real. how much was need. was there any con in it all....what was he really looking for....hard...very hard to tell....
I certainly was not sure why I wanted to know him....I was very, very happy with my Man...who, tho, lived 1800 miles away...who I only saw a few days every four to six weeks...he was planning to move out to be with me by winter...and that all, of course, takes time....I wasn't exactly lonely...lots of people around....but I was intrigued with others from my past or new people...because I was alone in the house - and I wasn't used to being alone in a house...it didn't feel 'full' enough at home....so I filled it up a bit with other people....natural, maybe, given my past being so full of people at home...
then, there was his writing...it was so intriguing. so singular. so original...I wanted to encourage that writing. because I enjoyed reading it so much...I will be sorry that I did not get to know the writer in this man. I can't imagine that any one else will see him as I did...a very talented writer...with no context to believe that...to see that...to know that...to follow up with that true thing: he is a very unusual writer. an original...lost to even his own self.....it is a sad thing....
Johnny was from another time and space...a fictional character, in more than one way...and I needed to move my fiction writing on to other people and spaces...so I included him in again...not being that sure why...except to write this fiction, here and now...for much of this is fiction that I am writing right now...but, still...I'm using his impact as a person on 'paper'...I even told Johnny that I was 'using' his basic personality, as I understood it in the here and now, in a short story...I am always honest about such things, if I remember to be so...and, to have another presence in my otherwise empty home...a need that I was filling when ever I could...this was tempting...'talking' with him would relieve some of the anxieties I had about being alone in the late evenings...about wanting my guy to be with me so much.....and...
Johnny was so 'Different'... I needed new ideas about how people live life...he seemed to live life so differently than every one else I knew....either he was the among the most open souls I had ever met, or, from some dark place deep in him, he needed to con women into thinking he was that open and vulnerable and ready to be loving....finding out which Johnny was the real Johnny was going to be an adventure and a good friendship at best...or a lesson in life that would make a great story, at worst...
it was important to keep a safe distance for a long, long time...maybe indefinitely...and see what he would do or say, after his volcanically 'open' introductions to his very self...if that all was his real self....I didn't like feeling cynical...but he was so overwhelming, that reality checks needed to taken all the time...only, I had a feeling he could easily outmaneuver me in that department...time would tell...as usually happens...
I had only a few emails to begin with...but I saved some of them...lost the others...and began this story...tried for a "chat" first...which didn't happen, tho it's time had been planned...now I was already thinking...well, since I told him we can only try for a friendship...he's really already losing interest, and is emailing some other stranger-lady, or maybe a lady he knows better, to interest them in the True Love business that is right there in the top of his mind and heart and needs as a person...for what ever reasons...I wrote him late, after finishing my usual "Scribble Time" on 'Compose' on my laptop - suggesting times that we could 'chat' in the future...since we had 'somehow' missed our scheduled 'chat' time....and waited....
By now, the red flag could be seen clearly through the smoke and dust that ,naturally, usually obscures the horizon: that on-line 'friendships" are iffy things at best, and horrible things at worst. I know all the stories. we all know all the stories. I did check. he does live in the rather up-scale 'Village' near LA where he writes that he lives...he does exist. he is a contractor in the area. I can't find any standing ovations about him. but there's no police record either. forgive me, Johnny, for checking up on you like that. but a girl has to be safe, that's for sure....tho I am hardly a girl...and I should know better anyway...what ever that means....are there no good reasons to explore friendships over cyberspace? is is all pretty stupid? am I just filling some psychological space that could use a good dose of expensive therapy?....probably all those questions are bogus too...that's my answer to that...so...onward....
It turns out that Johnny was either preoccupied all of the time...or was simply absent-minded...or didn't really understand English (tho he said it was his 'first lingo')...or just didn't understand what I was writing...because we didn't connect when I thought we would...and then would suddenly connect from out of the blue...it was very strange...he would call me 'dear', although he didn't know me really at all...then he would say he would 'chat' at a certain time and he would not be there...but he would be there when I didn't expect him to be...then he'd write to call him at a certain time...I would verify the time...and he would not be there...then he'd say he would call...but he would not...then, later...he would....he always seemed to be coming out of a fog...but, probably, I was the one in the fog...
I did ask when his wife and son had died. it had been seven years. they had died in an automobile accident. that's all he would say. when I asked if he had anyone 'special', he just wrote back, "I'm single"...twice. he told me he was a private contractor for an oil and gas cartel. he had traveled to forty states and he had traveled to thirty countries. he said he could hardly remember all of them. he liked to travel. but his job was stressful. he was working on a 'proposal' while he was chatting with me...he was very abrupt and preoccupied. but, when I asked him if he was sure he wanted to continue talking with me...he asked me, "why wouldn't I want to continue?"...goodness, Johnny...the reasons are few...but they are there....why aren't we connecting?...
it all seemed doomed, in the oddest of ways...I was determined to find out what was behind this strange and compelling fellow....
so I tried to call as he asked. he was not available. I got on line. he said he wanted to call me. I gave him my number again...I could see him like through a telescope you've turned the other way...so the person is getting smaller and smaller....then he said he'd call in a little, since I had a phone call coming in...then hours went by...
so my boyfriend called...going through a very hard time...he was...well...that's all his own and difficult business...anyway...a very, very hard time...I realized how much I was with him...I realized that no other contacts were helping here...I was just with him. all the way...I didn't want to fool around with wishy-washy far-away friendships....I just wanted to be with my far-away, non-too-perfect-but-perfect-for-me Fellow. with all his imperfections. I loved him truly. I didn't need or want Johnny. But I did...I do...need and want My Dear Man....
So, I emailed Johnny and thanked him for trying for the friendship, but that I 'got it': some things just don't happen. others truly happen. my boyfriend, who is not a boy, and I, who he calls his 'girl', but I'm not a girl...are made for each other completely. we are born to be together. we have always been together. no friendship can fill the space, even for a little time, that we fill together...no one else is there. that is just the way it is....
So, Johnny. you were supposed to be a new friend who would divert me when I felt I had been too lonely and was missing my dear Man too much...you weren't that person...but, of course, no one ever could be...my heart is completely wrapped up in this one person...who has failed himself for twenty years. who wants to reclaim himself now. whose side I am standing on with great attention, that is truly not wandering away at all...I didn't want to be afraid of loss. but of course I am...we all are. maybe you are too...or maybe you're just numb to loss because of what happened to your wife and child...maybe all the writing you did is to tell yourself you are still alive...it looks like I will never be the lady who will ever know...if any lady ever does...
in the end, he was angry. he left a message yelling at me that I needed professional help, because I did not know what I want...I didn't answer the message, and blocked any further calls...there would be no tidy closure to this odd opening - one that opened nothing, anywhere, for anybody at all....
bless the dating services...they give every one a chance to write down who they think they are. who they hope they are...who they hope some one will see who will see right through them to the person who fears being lonely. even if he can't say that. even if she won't admit that. for fear of being seen as needy. of being wimpy. of being 'mush'....when all they are really being is...human....Johnny was the only person I ever contacted through the dating services. it failed because...well, no reason...really...many friendships are just not meant to be....
Ah, Johnny. it is hard to say goodbye to some one you never even heard. who never heard my voice either. some one who came over sound and air and cosmic rays. who almost opened another door and then did not open the door at all...who called me 'dear' because he needs to say "dear" to someone. who is handsome and does well in life and is lonely enough to write and write about how he feels about himself. hoping a woman will see... who can go into his old age with him and just love him as he is...just as my Dearest of Men wants me to do...which I am certainly going to do...because I love my Own Dear Fellow so completely....
No more diversions. no new heart-connections...just My Man and Me, holding on through thick and thin, through to our ends...which will come soon enough...since we are well into our sixties....
Good night, Johnny. you were almost an episode. almost a short story. almost a pen pal...almost a friend....
Johnny. I hardly knew you....
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