MERCIFUL
There are women who tear at a man's soul like some sort of witch in an angry dream, but Joey wasn't having anything like that in his life. He told every friend who would listen that he was after getting himself a Merciful Woman. one who would be a True Friend. one who would be good to his mind and heart and body, too. Everyone laughed at him. You're quite a dreamer, his best friends told him. you're a fool and worse, those who didn't know him well laughed. he was easy to laugh at and with...every one's favorite clown....
It was no laughing matter, tho, that he started making eyes at Sara Sue Wiseman. First, he was a half-breed - Navajo/Irish to be exact. and she was White-Jewish-breed, with blond hair and blue eyes to boot... just in case you'd miss the contrast between her and half the student body in their high school. He had spotted her across a crowded gym floor and all at the Homecoming Dance, which he had crashed, anyway. It had been the old love-at-first-sight mess that can plague a man all his born days if it is not returned. she had not noticed him at all, naturally....Also again I mention, she was Jewish. Wiseman.
There were three Jewish Families in town. they had to drive to the other town in the valley, which had a Temple, for holidays and stuff. no one really noticed them except that they didn't put up Christmas trees and all. only, every body knew. the first thing his mama said when he mentioned what a fine person Sara Sue was, was her being Jewish and not doing up Christmas. It really irritated him when his parents did that. somehow, it made him feel smaller, tho they were saying the folks they were telling mean things about....that those people were the bad ones. didn't make sense. prejudice. every one had it but him, apparently. that's how it felt to him, anyway. It was the nature of the Midwest town he lived in, for every one to say at some time, well, I'm not racist, but....always the 'but...'
So, that was one problem. another was that she didn't seem to see him even when he smiled nicely at her. Once she laughed at one of his jokes in class and he nearly burst with happiness...other times she didn't seem to hear him, tho all the teachers did and he was labeled as a 'distraction' in class, come report card time.
He tried three times to hint around that he wanted to go out with her. Nothing even crossed her face. she either missed the gist entirely, or just didn't want to hear his asides about how nice it would be to do this or to see that movie or what-have-you. There were only three things to do in their little river town...movie. drive-in-eatery. hang out by the river. no nibbles on those. and, he wasn't asked to the same parties she was asked to. that's for sure. so that was out as a way to break the ice...things were getting really icy...on all fronts....Joey was definitely about to give up, when...
Mrs. Williams in Social Studies began her Diversity Week kick....every year she headed into trying to improve every single student's consciousness in the prejudices-department, by insisting that all the students write about their ancestors and find stuff to be proud of in their family histories. then every one had to share all that with every body else in every class she held. the last day, every one brought food from their 'people' to share at lunch. it was embarrassing and dragged out too long...and brought out the worst racist insults from just about every culture, race, and religious persuasion in the whole school....not good. every student was always really happy when Diversity Week was over and done. then they could all go back to their little cliques and trash every body else different than them all day if they wanted.
This year, Mrs. Williams was way into Native Americans and kept up on Joey until he admitted Trail of Tears ancestors and so on. he wanted to do the Irish side, but she'd have none of it.When he told his Ma about what Mrs. Williams wanted of them, she was not happy about it. it wasn't that she was ashamed. it was that she was private. like all city Indians. she felt it was no body's business where she had been raised. the reservation - the 'res' - was a past completely different than small town in a Midwest river valley. her husband didn't want attention drawn to her either. he sometimes even said she was 'black irish' and then would laugh, even though that had nothing to do with her color. which was a honey brown. not 'red skin' at all. here cheekbones were all flat and her nose a bit flat too.her hair straight black. but not that much of a give-away. she could have been Mexican or Chicana too. and there were lots of people with one-white'-and-one-'latino' marriage in their families. well...she was private. that was that.
Joey tried to get some information from his Dad too, but no-go there either. Chicago Irish. that's all I know. right off the boat. from Dublin. Catholic. working class. not exactly the social-Irish types. more the very quietly drunk, angry sort of Irish. also very private. very closed-mouthed. his Dad had no idea what his ancestors had been like. Irish. that's all he would say. Joey was feeling actually depressed.
He had always been a happy kid. but now it was pretty clear to him. he had come from nobodies. the girl he wanted to date more than anybody in the whole school thought he was a nobody. that was all clear now. he was a half-breed, and both halves were from nowhere and had gone nowhere. no one was ever going to care about him more than his parents. and they were not the affectionate-type themselves...so he made a big decision. he was going to tell the truth at school in that stupid class. every very-short bit of both sides of his history. and how he didn't want to be ashamed, but in a way, he was. how he wished he could be all proud and be somebody. somebody every body would think was something...really something. some one girls would want to date. guys would want on their teams. how that wasn't going to happen any time soon. not at all, probably. then he would sit down. every body would laugh at him. or look away. embarrassed. talk about what a loser he was. later with their friends.
It got to be his turn faster than he expected. every one had been completely bored so far. same old ancestor stories. same old comments about tolerance and respect and stuff from Mrs. Williams. same old gang signs flashing from the Black Gang and the Latino Gang and the Irish Gang and stuff. same old giggling from the girls at the stupid traditional dresses the real geeks and nerds would wear to be all authentic and stuff. up his turn came....
Joey told every one about his mother. then he told every one about his father. then he told about how he felt about his pathetic self. he spared them nothing. and he spared himself nothing. the room was actually very, very quiet. even Mrs. Williams didn't say anything. Sara Sue Wiseman showed nothing on her face. actually, no one showed a thing on their faces. nothing at all. then something weird happened in Joey's life...Sara Sue Wiseman raised her hand, and asked, can I say something too? Sure he said. She smiled a really sad smile. I have the same story as you, she said.
I have my Mom. she's Jewish. my Dad is Catholic. my Mom won't tell me anything about our ancestors. she says they were from Poland. most of them died in concentration camps under the Germans in WW 2. that's all she'll say. Past is best forgotten, she says. she is not happy. my mom is very private. and not happy. and my Dad says Poland was no better for the Catholics and Pollacks are just working people. nothing special. Especially Polish Catholics from Chicago married to Polish Jews from Chicago. Oil and Water. that's what he says. they're both Water and Oil. can't mix. can't get away from the other.
Then Sara Sue Wiseman turned to the whole class and said, you all are big fat mixes of people mostly, right. nothing special there. all we got? we got that we are Americans. We are all America has for the future. tomorrow we can make it over how our parents made it. but we can't be tripping one another up. we got to all get there...we all got to get there together. The USA is not about our ancestors. it's about not being who your parents are. about being your own generation. then she stopped. embarrassed. the whole class was embarrassed for her. and for themselves. the bell rang. good old saved by the bell.
It wasn't like falling in love right off the bat for her. she felt kind of responsible for him, is what it was. it was embarrassing for him. she'd come up and look at him so earnestly and say, are you OK? how are you doing? stuff like that. he'd make some joke and go off with his friends fast. she's got the hots for you, one of them laughed at him. no, I'm just her social studies project, I'd laugh back. help the half blood. give him charity. really, he wanted her so bad it hurt. he wanted just to take her hand and be walking home from school without saying a word. he couldn't even think farther than that. that would be enough. really. her girlfriends looked at him like he was a puzzle in their world that had fallen out of the sky. what was he doing in their faces like that? why was their friend starting to like him, or whatever Sara was doing...it was a puzzle to everyone...
And they were Seniors. the world was just about to open up before them. they were told that 24/7...that felt bad, too. every one said they were going to go to college...only some said they'd have to work full-time and go to night school...and others were going into their uncle's business or something...and then there was Joey and his friends. who were probably going to be drafted. since they weren't going anywhere fast....they all said they were. but they didn't have any plans that weren't just mouthing off....Joey knew Sara Sue was going to Chicago to go to the University. That was like hearing she was going to the moon. she could survive there fine, apparently. but he'd run out of air pretty soon... not that any one had asked him if he even wanted to go to college. everyone just assumed he was going to work for his dad at the gas station like always...and, in fact, that was what he was going to do....dumb to think otherwise....
He was sure it was a practical joke when he got passed a note between English and Algebra 2 classes....the note said, she's really got the hots for you. you should ask here out if you want to get her for the prom." he was floored. hope and fear and great unhappiness flooded him at the same time like punches to his gut. it must be a joke...but then, the next day. she passed him in the hall and handed him a piece of folded paper...inside was her phone number. her real number. which he happened to know because he had looked it up in the phone book. surprised to find it wasn't unlisted. so, she really wanted him to call. unless she was in on the joke. Joey's trust was not a strong suit in this game of chance he was playing...he had good reasons. he knew that. and, he didn't have a car either. so some one's parents were going to have to drive them, probably. unless they double-dated...but who with? his friends were not the type of people she was used to, he was pretty sure. he decided to call anyway. there was nothing to lose....
Their first date was to the drive-in eatery where every one was at one point in the evening or another. so that every one would see them together not doing anything bad at all. he just kind-of wanted to see what people would say the next day. all they did was get hamburgers and milkshakes and sit and talk and say Hi to their friends who came by to check them out...nothing much was said the next day...which surprised them both, really....
Their second date was to the movies. he did hold her hand. same stuff. friends checking them out and all...friendly looks the next day....
Their third date was to the river. he kissed her one time...the next day the whole blame school was buzzing about how they were making out at the river...genuine really rude slurs about her Jewishness and his Indian-ness. not worth repeating. ever.
They were not actually planning on going out again. she had gotten pretty upset about all the gossip and meanness and everything. for some reason, it bothered her most that somebody said she was trash...worse then Christ-killer, she told him. on account of she couldn't relate to that one. but trash bothered her. she wasn't happy. but, she wanted to go out with him again. she wanted to know if he read. he didn't. end of that conversation. but he wanted to see her again to...it wasn't the sex, which they actually hadn't had. it was a different feeling. if he had ever loved anyone before, he would have called it love. but, not. so...not....
Ma asked him what was up. I'm going out with a Jew, Ma. Sara Wiseman. she didn't say anything. not a word. he wasn't sure about it all. so far, he hadn't even asked to be driven anywhere by his dad. he was pretty sure she hadn't asked her parents either. they were seniors, for gods sake. it was wrong that they didn't have a car and couldn't drive - neither of them. Joey was starting to feel wrong, just wrong, just everywhere. except when he was with Sara. being with Sara was more comfortable than being alone in his bed at night, just thinking. it was nicer to just sit by her side, just thinking. she said it was the same for her. he told one of her friends that he was her best friend and Sara was his best friend right back...she just laughed and said, well, that's not what I hear...what do you hear? you're doing the number, Joey. just cop to it, fool....no we're not. well, that's not what I hear....
People are so stupid. Dad was starting in on him now...I suppose dating a Catholic would be out of the question...Dad, we don't even go to church in our family...what are you doing with a Jew...being friends, dad....damn, son, that isn't what we used to call it in my day, kid....dad, I am so messed up over this. but we haven't done nothin'. Whatever, son....Joey left the room so fast...his hands wanted to hit something. some one. but, no one touched any one in his house. not even to hit. much less hug.....
It was nearing graduation time...nearing prom. he knew no one else had asked her. because she had gone out with him. and now they just hung around after school and talked and talked. or put in the earphones together and listened to tunes....they were happy together. but lots of friends had been there and weren't anymore. some still were. but it wasn't the same. they were, well, a couple. but not actually dating. but kids treated them like they weren't there sometimes anyway...why? Why? Joey knew why. he knew Sara knew why. but no body said anything. especially not him and Sara....
Every one seemed to be waiting for them to grow out of it. to get a grip that a college-bound Jew and a gas-station-bound half-breed were just not going to make it much longer. Joey had no idea why he and Sara were still hanging out together. except he didn't want to be with any body else. and apparently neither did she. so, he asked her to the prom. so she said yes. and they kissed underneath the bleachers on the football field. just a couple of times. but it was real nice.
Prom night came. no body said anything about partying with them afterwards or double-dating with them or anything. and they didn't seem to care. he came to pick her up in a cab. neither of her parents came to the door at all. he gave her the gardenia she wanted to wear. they were happy. parents or no parents. friends or no friends. they had a good time at the prom. a lot of kids were actually pretty nice to them. it was a really good night. they held each other tight and kissed a lot during the slow dances, just like every body else. then he took her home by cab. they kissed some more in the cab. that was all....
When he came home, there were four messages on the house message machine. all being weird about them going out together and all...it was so crazy! this was like the twentieth century! they were kids! Joey knew there had to be places in the USA where people didn't act so nuts about race and religions and stuff. but his damn town sure wasn't one of them....he felt very, very tired...very unhappy, suddenly....it was useless. all his hopes were useless...Ma and his dad hadn't talked with him for days and days...this was supposed to feel good. it was supposed to feel right to love someone as great as Sara. he was supposed to be good for her....he felt all wrong in this town, where he had been born....like there was no where safe to go any more in his own town. his own house.
Joey lay on his bed and looked around the room he had lived and slept in all his life...he had never even slept with Sara. he imagined what it would be like to make love with her...looked like that was never going to happen. he let that sink in strong. suddenly, and very seriously, he knew what he had to do...
he had to get out of this narrow little town. right away. no waiting for graduation. his credits were all in. he was done with school. ma and pa would barely miss him. that was a fact. and Sara. she'd get over it. there wouldn't be nice to do this to her. but it would be better than dragging it all out. graduation. her going off to college. maybe they'd have a summer romance or whatever. then it would be even harder...this way, it would be over with real fast. she'd have the summer to get over it. then she'd meet some college guys at dances and stuff. it would all go good for her. he had heard stories about their kind of 'relationship' before. about the reasons they didn't work out...they weren't so new, in the long run....
Then he made a bit of a mistake...but it was one that lead to places he hadn't imagined...he told Sara that he was going to go...he called her the day after the Prom and told her that he was going to take the bus to Chicago. stay with his cousin until he could get a job and an apartment. he had some savings. his cousin needed a room mate...she started crying. which he, for some reason, had not expected.
then she told him some thing. that he had never, never expected. she told him that she was pregnant.
Of course, it was not his baby, or fetus...they both knew that. he didn't know what to say. being upset, he just said, you going to get rid of it? then she really cried. then he felt really worse. who's the father? she told him a name he didn't know. it was her older cousin. a second cousin. but still. it turns out he had been abusing her since she was around twelve years old. Joey felt angry and very, very sad all at once. sad for Sara. sad for himself. sad for the baby, or fetus or whatever. he said something that, of course, he hadn't expected to say. I'll marry you if you need me to.
there was quiet over the phone. then, Sara Sue Wiseman said, OK. I'll marry you. just like that. just like that. Joey suddenly felt trapped. lucky. unhappy. happy. used. grateful...all at once...I got to see you! OK. I'll meet you at the park....
they were a sober couple. not sad. but very serious. sit, please, Joey. OK. I'm feeling funny about all of this. me too, Joey. I'm not going to hold you to what you said over the phone, Joey. Listen to me first, OK? OK, Sara.
Joey. this baby is the child of a rape. I don't want to say more than that. I am never going to say more than that. I don't want the baby to know. I'm keeping this kid, whether we get married or not. I'm not going to college yet. I will, one day. but, for now, I'm going to get a job and save money to have this kid right and have a decent place for us to live...Joey, I love you so much. that sounds lame right now, I know. but it's true. if you want to be family with me and the baby that would be great. if you want to try to be the baby's dad that would be great too...but, no pressure, Joey. if you just want to stay friends, then the baby and I can use friends. if you want to run away and never look back...well, that's OK too. I can sure understand that one. I have a big, big wanting to run away, too...Joey...what are you thinking?
I'm back at where you love me...why do you love me, Sara?...
Joey...you are kind. you are very real. you respect me for the right reasons. you are sexy for me for the right reasons...you understand me like no one else does...I think I understand you...you make me happy, Joey. you make me laugh. you make me feel safe. all of the time...I know I love you. I really do. that's all....
I'm not as smart as you... I know you don't do academics, Joey. I love your mind though. you think really well. you have an instinct for being right about life. lots of the time....
what about the parents and the Jewish stuff and the Indian stuff...what about it?... every body has to put up with some really mean stuff in their lives....it's no big deal...we can try the city, if you want...or we can duke it out here. people are always going to talk. it's the rotten part of human nature....
You are a Merciful Man, Joey. you are being merciful to me...is the same as loving me? or liking me even? or wanting to be with me?..Joey?
I'm not the Merciful Man, Sara. You're a Merciful Woman, tho, Sara....you want to take me on. you're going to take the baby on....
you are a good woman, Sara....I love you so much it's not even something I can practically imagine. I've not known anything like this before....
Joey? I do...I do, Sara. I'm taking on you. you and the baby too...We'll go to Chicago...get married...see this all through together....OK?....
Now begin the voices of their youth. the voices that say as they have always said...be real be practical. be like us. you will never last. this marriage will never last. you are children. you have no right to have this baby. you have no right to subject this child to your whims. you are not of the same people. mixed marriage of mixed-up children. we will not let you live in our houses. not near us. you will not have friends. your jobs will be the jobs of the outcast. tho no one will say so. your child will be an outcast. you will lose love when so much silent hate is all around you. there is no where to go. it will all be the same. there will be no mercy for you. there will be no mercy for you.
Joey held Sara's hands. We will be happy. this is real love. it is good love. tho I don't know much about good love. I know this is. what we have. it will be enough. It will be a mercy. being with you will be the greatest mercy I have ever had. I will be good to you. I will be good for you. and for the baby. we will always be one thing, you and me.
And Sara nodded her head.
And everything was Yes for her.
She was a Merciful Woman and always would be.
She knew Truth
whenever she saw it...
and not one mean word
could change this love...
this mercy
between them...
not
one
word....
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