TEARS OF JOY - TEARS OF GRIEF
Why must I always be the thief? These lines flowed through Rose's every single thought and feeling every single day...she was a home-wrecker. she lived in a small town. where every one really does not know every one else. but they all think they do...she had a long story. these stories are always long. very much like any other story about the same series of gossipy events. yet, naturally, very different. every body likes to think that her story is different. no one has ever loved like he does. or did. no one has ever suffered as she does. or did. Rose was no exception here. only she dwelled on it more than may have been needed - given that the story was so ordinary, really. you all know you have heard every story under the sun at some point in life. somewhere in your late thirties they start to repeat their themes... songs you've hummed before. memories that were fresh in their delights and in their horrors. losses that were unique to you and you alone... become part of being simply a person. an ordinary person in an ordinary town. in ordinary times....not so special anymore....
James owned the only decent hardware store in town. he was a good guy. every body said that about him - since he had been little. he saw himself that way. he married his high school sweetheart... they had the boy first. then the girl. thank god. 'cause now they had the two just-right number of kids. both healthy. both smart in school. both real sweet. just like their parents... the girl took after her mom. adored her Pop. the boy took after his dad. adored his Mom. all was correct in the world... the hardware store flourished. James was a good business man. his three employees loved him like a father. he fathered them right back. he kind-of fathered his wife too. she kind-of mothered him right back... their house was perfect. real nice. historical. James was so handy. did all the work himself. Susan stayed home and raised the kids. then helped in the store when they went to school - to help save money. their family vacations were wonderful. full of really fun adventures - safe ones though. nothing risky. they were the perfect American Family. their problems were few. their pleasures were simple and plenty. they were people of plenty.
Rose worked in the store, naturally... James would never have wound up wanting and needing a stranger. he thought of Rose as a friend. she was the widow of one of his friends from the golf club. he and Susan had them over for dinner lots of times. they had been over for dinner to Rose and Joey's house lots of times. once they had even taken a vacation with them. they had gone fishing on one of the famed little stocked lakes a couple of hours from their homes. Rose had been great with the little kids. played with them while the other adults were out on the water. she had no kids of her own. but she worked part-time as a Teacher Aide in the elementary schools. she was requested often to help out in classes. on account of being good with kids. she was called sweet just like Susan was called sweet...it meant you made no waves. didn't mess up. helped your community. were nice to your neighbors. went to church regularly enough to be noticed. had no known skeletons in your closet...
every one mentioned that it was too bad she and Joey had no kids. on account of when he died. young... and her left with no kids. so free. with a need to get a full-time job. Joey had been OK with money. but his little auto repair business was one of three in town. so they had just made it. none extra for take care of early death. life insurance too small... so James had hired her to work in his store. on account of his business was growing. plus she could do book-keeping. save him having to hire out to a book-keeper in town. good deal. except for the other book-keeper in town.
It was nice to have Rose around. practically like a member of the family. and she could work overtime without complaining. since her house was empty of responsibilities. and she could use the overtime. she was attractive. and kind. so she was an asset to his business. his men friends would tease him about her. maybe they were a little jealous. great wife. and great woman at work too. James sure had it all. stuff like that. the banter kept them all faithful to their wives. harmless fun. Rose always looked embarrassed when they teased at work. which was what the woman should do... she was falling in love. actually. although no one saw that at all. they saw two old friends who were fond of each other. no threat to the town and their families at all. Susan never worried. James adores me. her friends all agreed. James was falling in love with Rose too. no body saw it coming. not even Rose...
There was really no reason to fall in love with Rose. she was a lot like Susan. except for one thing. she had a restlessness in her. and she occasionally shop-lifted. stole. nothing big. certainly not any money from the business. small things. staples. nails. hand soap. sponges. a small flashlight. any shrink could have told you that her life felt really empty with Joey gone. her home and her life were spare. these little things from the store brought James home with her. it was all easy to figure out. especially as she had stolen very little ever before. mainly as a kid. which many kids do. almost as part of growing up. she was ashamed that she stole from the store. but the things were so small. it didn't seem to matter. no one noticed at all. but she actually had bad dreams about it sometimes. then she would wake up crying. and reach for Joey. who was never going to be there. and how could he have helped anyway...
One night they were working late - due to inventory. running late. a little irritable, both of them. hungry and feeling a bit put-upon. their hands brushed several times during the night. shuffling papers and piling things on and off shelves and all about. one time he brushed his chest right past her breasts and she caught on her words in a gasp. their eyes met. they did not joke. he took her into his large and capable arms and kissed her full on the lips. she did not stop him one bit. then they were both so surprised that they did nothing else. they went back to work and finished the job. he was driving her home. he only said that it would not happen again. yes it will, she said. he held the door for her. then he came inside for some coffee. they made love right away. on her sofa. without a word. I love you. I love you too. don't quit the job. I won't. we'll work this out. yes, I think we will. he went home.
this went on at her house for months. no body seemed to notice. they were friends... she didn't have a car. forgot to mention that she didn't have a car... they made love pretty fast. the time it takes to have a cup of coffee or tea. they never touched at work. they never called each other. but Rose was taking a lot more stuff out of the store. larger things. a teapot. a dish strainer. kitchen stuff. then a lamp. oil for her two oil lamps. James said nothing. if he noticed. which he probably did. guilt kept the silence possible. then money began to leave the till...
First just a five or a ten. then twenties. then more. Rose was the book person. it took a long time for James to notice. he had to say something. so he did. she promised to stop. he gave her a raise. he missed the point entirely. of course. she didn't need the money. she needed a husband. and he was already a husband. here comes the part that is so familiar... fights....
they started fighting about the things she stole. then more about money. tho she wasn't stealing money any more. at least not regularly. then Susan started to complain that he was spending more time with Rose than with his own family. people were starting to talk. we all know what happens when people start to talk. they start to see. they start to see what they were not quite seeing before. even with closed doors and curtains drawn on windows. people start seeing through all that. they start sniffing out trouble. then they talk some more. it wasn't good. James decided to call the whole thing off. but Rose would have none of it.
Rose's restless self started showing it's fur and its claws. she raised her hackles and scratched. she clawed away at him. he fell out of love. he sent her home in cabs. which cost. but it was better than the shouting in the car. every one could see them in the car. even in the dark. and no going into her house for any reason. he made it clear that he would fire her if she kept up this nonsense... finally he got pretty desperate. she was going to ruin his home life and his business. he told her he would pay her to move out of town. he would help her sell her house. and get another job. and give her money until she was settled. but she had to get out of their little town. for his kid's sakes. that got her...
Rose promised to go. her house went on the market and sold right away. Jame's friend in a town fifty miles away would take her on as a temp. if she worked out well she would have a job for keeps. they told every one she wanted a fresh start. she packed up. the moving van came. the house was empty. she was going to take the bus to the new town. James and Susan had a going- away party for her. the other employees came and her few friends in town. it was a nice party. every one was very supportive. she stayed overnight at James and Susan's house without a peep of trouble. still she knew: that everybody in town knew exactly what had happened. and what was going to happen. and why. every one was very nice. very...
James drove her to the bus station the next morning. she got on very polite and quiet and thanked him. it was nothing at all. Rose. thank you for not making a scene. it's the least I can do. the least. James. goodbye. the bus pulled away.
The next day James found that his entire store bank account was gone. there was a note on his desk. patiently explaining why. and what would happen if he made a fuss about it.
Susan had a letter come that very day. the letter told her to look to her husband's business. that he was dishonest with the funds.
every one in town got a neatly printed postcard delivered to their homes telling them that James was a dishonest merchant in their honest midst. signed. a concerned citizen.
there was nothing amiss at his business at all. except that the money was gone. James said no comment. he telephoned his lawyer. months later. he still had not regained the good will of his community.
small towns understand little. but they forgive even less.
every love affair involving the hard word of adultery has its sharp edges. it is possible to bleed... sometimes the stories turn out very well. sometimes the injured party even comes off OK in the bargain. sometimes things end very badly for some. but not for the other party....
Rose invested the money she had saved so diligently. working for James. she invested it well. she bought real estate. in five years she was a wealthy woman. she married a wealthy man. they kept their money separate.
she still dwelled mightily on her love for James. which had been the best love and even the best sex of her whole lifetime.
she regretted that Susan had divorced James - having been upset at that letter. reading between the lines that there was more to this than just the money. never trusting him again... his kids grew up disliking him quite a bit. he never really had a good life again....
Rose loved her husband enough. and she was rich. but she was known for shop-lifting small items throughout the town. and even from friend's homes. poor thing just couldn't seem to help herself. no one stopped her. she was so generous to her town, that a few items missing here and there was no big deal. she was such a beloved eccentric!
she also cried more and more as she got older. she had never been a crying woman ever before. she cried at occasions that were full of joy. she cried out grief for a long time. some said it was regrets. some said she had once lost a great love. but no one could figure out who that could have possibly been. after all. she was just a small-town sort of woman. nothing special ever really happened or had happened in her life. had it?
It's best to leave the past in the past. best to let it go.
sometimes she could be heard humming a refrain over and over to herself. her husband finally asked her what it was...
Tears of Joy. Tears of Grief. Why must I always be a Thief.
what a strange song, Rose. why do you sing that to yourself.
no reason. just an old tune. I've hummed it all my life I guess.
for no reason at all...
no good reason
at all....
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