KILLING ME SOFTLY
I was watching this really light porn movie when she called. it was free, on an HBO channel. nothing was happening for me. I was simply too depressed. the women looked great. every one was trying to look original and really in love or maybe in lust with some other. It was pretty sad. but I didn't actually turn it all off. just the sound. that's when she called. so now I had sound.
I wasn't happy with her lately. she was nagging me about all the commitment jazz all of my women always go on about. it was starting to exhaust me. I had to keep telling her I love you. all of the time. when I wasn't really sure that's what it was. love. I mean it! I don't get it. what does it mean. I know I feel attracted to some women more than others. some others I like quite a bit. after sex I really feel tender. I think I'm too young to get all committed. or in love. or whatever. certainly I don't want to get married. or have kids. not for years. I'm still a kid myself. although it's set in my mind that thirty is coming up fast. after thirty. that's when I'll settle down. yeah. thirty....
Then there's mom. she's in love again. that's hard on me and it's hard on her too I guess. she's sixty. her son is stuck living at home due to the rotten economy. and general laziness. I'll admit. but I'm not good at selling my self. I want people to kind of guess how great I am. anyway. it's kind of weird when your mom goes out on dates all the time with her 'love' and you, that is, I, am sitting at home watching porn light and drinkin beer light. when I have at least one perfectly good woman in my life... so I guess I'm weird too. maybe. maybe I'm just being difficult.
Mom's guy's got the usual thinning hair line and pot belly of the over sixty set. but he obviously adores my mom. actually even all my friends adore my mom. they call her a hotty. which is hard for a son to take. I really got to move out of here. get a job first. get my girl first. get anything. first.
but mainly I spend a lot, a lot, a lot of time on the good old computer in my mom's house. so I just chat with everybody I know and some people I don't know. then I watch some free porn sites. not too hard. soft mainly. just to pass the time. then I skype a few people. then I read the news. or watch the news. sometimes I just look up lots of random stuff. mainly comedy. then finally I look up jobs. about twenty sites a day in the job department. without actually getting even an interview.
I don't get out much. no money to spend. sometimes I have sex. it's OK. but I don't get attached. like I said. I'm too young. I really am. ask any of my women. they call me Peter Pan. I'm not mature enough to make a commitment. hell. I'm not together enough to be a friend! at least not a good friend. some one you can rely on. you cannot rely on me. it's difficult to even see me. I just don't leave the ol' house that much. have to be clean. shaven. upbeat. interested in anything at all. I'm not much fun. and don't have much to talk about either. so it goes....
I get super impressed with music too. there's a lot of beautiful and a lot of exciting music out there. sometimes I write some and youtube it into cosmic space. I get some hits. sometimes a lot. but it doesn't make me any money, does it. no it doesn't. my friends like it though... there isn't anything I wouldn't do to somehow get famous with my music. but that's so way impossible. every body and their sister is trying to do that on line. stupid. but hey. that was my degree. all about music. a BA. big whoop. means nothing. except I had something to do with my time for five years straight. I was in College. great man! me! plus I spent a year in France. because I could. because my parents paid for it. I never got to have a French girlfriend or anything. but I can now speak it really poorly. and I got music connections in France besides. which are going nowhere at all. just saying....
you know what else? my mom is not at all sure where to go from here with me. she threatened to throw me out if I didn't get a job. then I didn't get a job for months and months while she yelled big time. then she gave up. and didn't throw me out. then she pushed me into getting into a music MA program. I went about half-way. then pooped out. I'm not into MA crap. it's too much work. and I don't like it and am not interested in it. that's that. I just want to Do the music. not study it in classes with old farts who don't even see what a talent I have. I feel sorry for them. but they look at me like I'm the sorry one...not every MA has a job either. that's a fact. which I naturally read on line. on lots of sites.
I know what you're thinking by now. you're thinking what a loser I am. well. I am not alone. I am not alone by a long shot. I have lots and lots of Facebook friends who are in the same boat as me. we all twitter and blog and understand each other. we talk about 'it' all the time. like one of my friends can't get a job. and she has an MA. finally she tried to get a job washing veges at a big grocery store. they told her she was too over-qualified of course. she screamed at them. look at my hands. these two hands are not over-qualified! these hands know how to wash vegetables. try them! they can wash vegetables!...she didn't get the job. lots of us can't get jobs. especially we creative types. we are lost little lambs for sure. no one wants us. we aren't financial wizards. or computer wizards. we're fine arts wizards. forget jobs for us. too many of us. and we are lazy too. it's a generational thing.
My mom still works full-time as a teacher. she works too hard. I feel way guilty not to be helping. so I do a lot of repairs and work around the house. and always take at least one class towards that MA every quarter. that way my mom can kid to her friends that she has a maid and a cook at home who's getting his MA besides. then her friends don't look at her as a loser's mom. which they definitely could. but her making light of her bum deal with me gets them off her back. she really isn't into caring any more what I do. I'm around the house. which is some company. but when her boyfriend moves in...I know it will all change. it had better change. we could use a change around here.
I think I'll go start up dinner around now. I make simple stuff. I've been reading more lately too. lots of novels. some kindles. also I am watching way too much TV. and playing way too many video games. and computer games. and watching DVDs. I think my music production is going way down. and thirty is coming up fast. I don't have much to show for that.
I am trying to be up around every body. I want to be all positive. all busy getting a job and stuff. I want to have my own apartment. or even one with a room mate or two. that would be OK. I want to have money. for travel. for some nice clothes. not the scruffy stuff I've been wearing for years now. to have a car. instead of just a bike. and mom's car when she lets me. like a kid.
but I don't even know what I want to do.what I can do. what I'm prepared to do. what doing anything real in life will do to me. since I never have. done much. that is....
I want to have a girl I can love. who will love me right back.not the one who called me today. some other one. who doesn't know my weaselly measly past... maybe we'll think about getting married. on account of I'll have that great job. which I love. only I love her more. only I actually know what love means for sure with her. for a change. which right now I do not.
Every thing is really really difficult. maybe I'm not explaining it too well. I'm not sure why change isn't coming on faster. it seems it used to. but not now. not at all... I'm being difficult right back at every thing. like I said. I don't get out much anymore. especially for job interviews. too depressing. too difficult.
you're just being difficult. I hear that one a whole whole lot....
Can't imagine how to get out of this rut.
Can't remember how it got this bad.
Time to play some tunes.
Time to zone out with some games.
Watch some soft porn. just for fun.
for fun. yeah.
maybe I'll even drink.
or take drugs. which I never have. so...
maybe not.
Difficult.
really
really
really
really....
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