BETWEEN 'MY' MEN AND ME
Lately, I am faced again with looking at how men and I interact with each 'other'... how we get along...in romance. in friendships. in brother and sister relationships. in marriage. in this life time - in times of life, when they are 'significant others'....I am most aware that I have never been at the end of any relationship with a man, where I have not been truly surprised by all the things I Did Not Know about this guy. and, how little they knew about me...and I don't really understand that.
Right up until the 'breakup' of any relationship, I always think, very seriously, that I have worked hard to understand the loved person, to be there for him, to be receptive and sexual and easy to be with. it's my nature to try to do that. I've never been perfect at that, especially as I never felt 100% 'committed' to any one man, but I thought it was what a woman, or, at least, what I should do to honor the relationship. to be present to the person while living with them. I really thought about that and tried. and, I usually thought I succeeded.
I also convinced myself, over time, that the guy I was with really understood me pretty well, because I was so honest with him, and told him so much about myself. I thought he had told me all about himself too, although I actually don't recall anyone ever saying that they had told me everything about themselves, except for my newly re-found 'first love' guy from my past, who I'm with now...never once did they say that. I just assumed that.
I truly thought that, if some one said that he really loved me, then he really was going to make the same effort I did with him... to get to know me and love me as I am. That was my first big mistake, and I made it over and over. There were many, many aspects of my personality and habits that all of my men, in some way or another, did not appreciate and like or want to understand. I learned, very quickly in life, actually, to simply supress those parts of my personality with my man at the time. to show only those 'parts' of who I was, or am still, with him. to make him 'happy', to create an aura of peace and love in my home. After all, I had many friends all the time, to share the parts of my life with that my men might not appreciate...
I figured there were lots of things I wasn't happy about with my mates of the time, and, I would have to be patient with them, so they were being patient with me...or something....I think, now, that I simply have never really understood other's personalities at all....that I have real blind spots, profound lack of foresight, insight, or hindsight, even!
As my guy, Den, has reflected to me, I wanted to always never be the one who would put the wedge in that would destroy the peace and good will in our home...this was my flaw, I think, that I would do too much for this "peace" I wanted at home. But, I don't know, even now, how I would have changed that, would have changed my self....
I've been 'accused' at times of being too permissive and appreciative of my men, not seeing them as they really are...that may be true. I knew all their faults, tho, just as I knew my father's, who I also appreciated very much. I have always strongly felt that too much is expected from decent men by women in our culture. that they want them to be more than human. that they fault men their flaws as human beings...maybe I'm too harsh and generalizing about women in this regard too...I'm not sure any more...
At any rate, there have been times, often, that I did not see the flaws in my men for whatever psychology was going on in them and in me. that I have felt badly when I found out about betrayals of theirs later....but, I can say, that I've taken the brunt of the hurt. accepted my responsibility in it. soon forgiven the person. eventually forgotten the pain. gone on to better and happier times. enjoyed all the other loves in my life while I recovered....with my Children, Grandchildren, Friends...gone on to love again....
If all that is wrong...if I've learned little from each encounter...then that is who I am....I cannot deny my own flawed humanity...have no desire to do so.....
What I do desire, with all my heart...is to continue my honest ways. to love fully no matter what the past has been. to make brave leaps of faith into the future...to experience life really fully...very fully....with all the feelings possible...all as completely as possible...with every inch of my being, of my soul....my spirit as a human and as a woman...and to love the man I am with that fully, that passionately....
I do desire, in these times, to live out the rest of my life with this one man. Denny Alan McCue. an insightful, creative, warm, loving, giving man who is flawed. just as I am. we are not being wonderful as we could be in this world. but we are being human. we are being true to this love. we are being very happy when we are together. we are having adventures together. we are solving problems together.
we are one, together...we have probably been one since the first day we saw eachother's faces. we always have that truth between us for fifty-some years....
the truth can never be destroyed. life can be built on it, as firmly as any thing human can be.
Between men and me, at least I have had that...the truth a
s I have known it. imperfectly. humanly. without blame. with joy, often. with pain, often. All of this has been a Good Life...
I am a human with no regrets. I've lived life as I thought was right and true at the time. truly, the best I could....
Between men and me, there has been love.
Between this one man and me, there is love.
and no regrets
at all....
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