NO WINGS AT ALL
she was born for sure with a silver spoon in her tiny little pink
mouth. not a golden spoon. but a pretty good beginning. doctor and
nurses doing all the right stuff. Mama and Daddy being both there and
both so intent on her perfection and her being born just right. all
warm and no pain. all breathing and being held and fed at once. all
milky and soft and cuddles. it was an omen of sorts that her gramma
was rich and her daddy was rich and her mom was rich. all that money
meant silver-spoon life for sure. even if she was ugly and an idiot.
which she was not. she was special and in a special country where
peace was bought at a great price of poorer and yet able young men who
would give their lives for her when called upon to do so. this was
another fortune - of which she was not yet aware. but she would be -
yes. she would. her boss would tell her some day far away. how she
didn't even have to work. but that he had been in the services and
almost been killed. to make sure people like her would have their
wonderful country's way of life intact. so that she could work for a
little bit and then marry very well. that's how their country went.
she hadn't understood much about that when he said it. surely she did
not understand anything about what it cost to have a life like hers
when she was a cute little thing. she thought all the world was just
like her world. no one told her any different.
her parents divorced when she was five. so she knew what was going on.
life had been great. she adored her dad. she loved her mom the way she
loved her own little self. she wasn't worried about money. they both
seemed to always have money whether they were together or no. it was
the lines on their faces: all taut and strained. made them look so
unhappy. not beautiful the way they had been: they looked older. they
used to laugh a lot with her. now they smiled tenderly. which was
nice: but, not especially fun. she was a child who liked to have fun.
quite a bit. this would always be part of her life. anxious about
being happy. wanting to be happy all the time. redefining her self all
the time. all to be happy. she was driven about that even as this
little kid. trying to tell jokes and make her adults smile. she was
never going to have any siblings or even close cousins to play with.
so the adults were supposed to be entertaining. when they weren't: she
pestered them. but sweetly. so they'd smile. tell her a story. take
her out on the swing. spoil her a bit. she would always equate love
with being spoiled nicely. even if she had to push for it: she was to
be the center of attentions. of everybody she wanted to pay attention.
not the people she didn't want. that was for sure!
I've noticed that adults are a lot like they were as kids around five
years old. really think that's true. if they were little brats, then
they are larger and more annoying brats when over twenty. forever. in
one variation on the theme or another. truly. think about it. it's not
unusual to see that child in her face...or in his eyes...they're still
there. fighting for what ever it was they had to fight for when they
were just little folk. she was much as she had been at five. beautiful
in her way. pleasing people all the time...to get what she needed.
attention. which she called love. she didn't know much about love.
thought she did tho. felt affection. sometimes felt sexual. or sexy.
she wasn't sure which. sometimes felt love for someone she felt sexy
around. it didn't seem to matter. she was pretty and rich. and guys
loved pretty and rich. or said that they did. told her they did. they
were happy around her. or seemed to be. she was less anxious about it
all. sure of herself. happy with her self. pleased with her self. how
she looked. how she felt. thought she was happy. thought she was going
to always be happy. felt good about her future. figured she'd be
married right after school. have a couple of babies. go back to doing
what ever she wanted after they got into school. having done her duty
and all....
that was why she dropped her "first love" of course.she was too young
to know the 'real thing' when she felt it. thought it just was some
dangerous sex feelings that could lead to pregnancy. which feelings
she was actually having. because he was the one who was meant to be
the father of her kids.her one true love for all of her life. it had
been ordained by the gods. this is true. I'm not joking around here.
it is very possible that there is only one person in the world who is
close enough to the way you are in the world: and this person and you
will be the Best for the other. it's more than possible that we all
miss this person while on the high seas of life. mostly we pass them
by on purpose. often still tho: by accident. or accident of not having
enough experience to know what's in front of our very psyches. we
mostly make mistakes in this area of life: I've noticed this. most of
us don't get this one right. she was no exception. he wasn't going
anywhere: that's what her mom said. where ever 'anywhere' was. which
was not described. besides: she was too young. this was too soon. she
wanted not to settle down so soon after high school. not to get
trapped in the same old place with the same old people: to see a bit
of the world. going on with him meant she'd have to give up all that
adventure....
the first 'adventures' she went out to live through were pretty silly
ones...she went after rich men. or men she thought were rich. she had
decided that life was not well-lived unless you got taken-care-of. it
didn't matter whether she finished college or got a great job or
whatever. what was important was: nail a rich guy down. get him to
marry you. have his kids. then: no matter what: he's support you while
the kids were growing up. because that was what her dad had done. it
was something rich people did. part of being respected. and - of
course - because they could: on account of being rich and all. then
she could figure out what else to do with life. maybe there would be
more to do. maybe not. she decided to start with doctors or
lawyers...see if there was any 'old money' around. the fact that she
had often been bored in social situations with rich folk didn't bother
her one whit. there was a price to pay for having money. that was that
rich people were often - what she called - "beige": lacking color. too
clean. no smells to excite her. no touches that would make her knees
go 'jelly' with desire. just pleasant stuff. not hard to manage...
the first invite was from a doctor who lived on a houseboat. he had
lots and lots of money. he was into new-age medicine stuff. he had a
huge practice in the city. the houseboat was romantic. she was invited
by a friend of hers who was a friend of his: he had noticed her. it
was all about brunch on the houseboat with him and a couple of dozen
'close' friends...he showed her around the houseboat. she admired the
galley. she made the huge mistake of bragging about her cooking. the
bragging came from having a glass of wine. a whole glass. she rarely
could take around three sips of wine without getting pretty silly. her
judgement went right out the porthole. that was the truth. so here she
was: making omelets that were like hockey pucks. stupid. twenty stupid
omelets later: she knew it was over. everybody ate them: because there
was nothing else to eat. he was very kind. the way doctors are to
patients or something. she cried the whole way home in her friend's
car: out of embarrassment. waste of time. she didn't want to waste any
more time.. she was getting into her late twenties. been long enough
at the fair and so on....
The next guy was a wood-worker. his family was very rich tho. he was
darling. too young for her - in a way - but smitten by her pretty
conventional good looks. he was one of the easy-to-manage ones. only
she blew that one too. she sweetly tried to serve his dad some wine at
a family party she got to go to with him. the room went silent. on
account of his dad was an alcoholic. no one ever served him alcoholic
drinks. not ever. it was sort-of a family rule. she had been told that
before the party. twice. having had a little bit of wine herself: she
forgot. her wood-worker was very nice. just like she was a mistake
best not discussed in nice company. he didn't call her again. she
already knew he wouldn't call her again...things weren't going too
great....
so then there was the oil company executive. his dad was great. she
met his dad in Arizona. he took her there to meet his parents. his dad
was a naturalist in the deserts there. he traveled around collecting
rare cactus photos and data and all. fascinating man. woke them every
morning to go out into the desert sunrise to see the animals and the
cactus blooming all while it was still cool enough to see these
wonders. the executive went out once. she went out with his dad every
day. they became close friends. the executive whined that she liked
his dad better than him. she did. but she didn't say so. not all at
once. not so overtly...his mother got jealous then: called her a
'tramp'. which was silly. his father was just a nice old guy:
flattered by her going out into the desert with him. they flew back to
the bay where they both lived. he asked her to marry him. he told her
he wanted to wrap her up in a box with a ribbon and keep her forever.
she thought about a movie she had seen by a guy who had locked a girl
up to keep her on account of he was a butterfly collector or something
like that. she decided this one was a no-go as well. she declined.
I don't know why I'm so preoccupied with looking at the lives of rich
folk like my friend here. I'm not a rich folk. this lady's story is so
fascinating: have had the same choices. we made a lot of the same
decisions. yet she didn't have to make these decisions this way. it's
strange. she could have done more with her money then to wait to snag
more. yet that's what she did. finally she met the 'right one'. he
cared about money the way she did. he didn't want many kids to get in
the way. just one son would do. a daughter if she really wanted
another one. otherwise they were going to travel a great deal. see the
world and all. from a rich person's perspective: just enough adventure
not to get in the way of comfort and good food. and safety. of course.
she would be expected to keep a good home. a great home. with help, of
course. and not complain about any hours he would not account for.
those would be his business. always... she didn't have to account for
all of hers either. every tiny thing would be perfect. because Money
can insist upon such a thing. listening to her talk was wonderful. I
could not imagine not 'having to work'. not outside of the home.
arranging travel and parties and dinners and your two kid's lives. no
worries about money. ever. she saw this all as her due. was
comfortable about the whole arrangement. very pleased. he was too...
I went to that wedding. it was perfect in every single way. one
slightly drunk guest was removed quietly and taken home with a nice
covered tray of food. by taxi. this was class. really class... I was not
surprised when her new husband gave me his number. he said my stories
were "fascinating". he would like to take me to lunch. he could
introduce me to some editor. or publisher. something like that. maybe
we could meet on his boat. I didn't think twice about this. mind you:
she is my friend. but hey: she has an 'arrangement'....everything is
happening a little sooner than I expected. but I'm middle-class and a
tiny bit prarochial. what do I know about how the more sophisticated
folk behave? that's right: not a thing. you know: I am willing to
learn. just a little. somehow I think I'm getting a better deal than
she is. for awhile I can play around with these people. but I'd never
marry one of these guys. for one thing: I hate paying too much for
anything: even for a 'perfect' future. for another: I know exactly
what real love is. and this isn't it. and: I know real love is worth
more than all this jazz: his. and hers. at least I think I do...
sitting in my deck chair on that yacht: I be thinking. yeah: this is
the life. the sun shines like gold. he ruffles his hands over my hair
like a warm breeze... o I do hope I won't let myself be tempted to
take her route through life...as if I had that choice!....but for now:
I have what she has. and more than she wants. and that - for now - is
enough for me...I mean: why wouldn't it be?...I mean: isn't this The
Life?...isn't it?....
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