MY BROTHER MY FRIEND is about all the wonderful Men who have been Close Friends - not Boyfriends or Husbands - in the fifty years of my adult life so far...I have been so honored to have such loyal Friendships with these Guys! I would not trade one of them for any other person on the whole planet!.....

MY BROTHER MY FRIEND


In my seemingly endless quest in life to find "the right one" I have been married four, yes, four times...presently living in a peaceful state with my First Love - not married - and have had two live-in-boyfriend situations...these relationships have covered a fifty year year life time. strangely enough, they have had long happy spells before I parted ways, except for death of one...divorces...partings-of-ways... I was almost always the one who left the relationship, after a long period of Troubled Times that would not resolve. I have not been very good about compromise...that is, I won't pretend that something that isn't working, is working, just to save a social or financial situation. But then, I am known for not being conventionally ethical by other people's standards, as well... It's a miracle so many people love me anyway! At least I'm honest and I am good and loyal to those I love. I guess that's what holds them to my side, as family and loved ones...anyway, this 'story' isn't about the long-term relationships where I lived with the Men in my life. This is about the few men through the years who have been my True Friends, some of whom have been like Brothers to me and with me....

I was raised in a household of Woman: my mom, and my three younger sisters. Dad traveled a lot... Besides them, I've always had girl friends. and then women friends...I've lived with women, often, throughout the years, even when I was married, in our household. My two life-time professions, Nursing and K/12 School Teaching, have been served mainly with women as co-workers and as bosses. I have been close to, and know, a Lot about Women. The women I've been and am close to are very, very strong people. They are not the kind of ladies who go to women parties and out for a night with the girls, actually. Not that there's anything wrong with that...they and I just haven't been that kind of women. We all have had extremely challenging work lives and creative lives and avocational lives. We have, to a Woman, all been Over-Achievers...We have all been very fond of Men, generally, as well as specifically. Our men have tended to adore us. (I'm not joking here!) probably because we have been interesting and intriguing Women...It's that simple, my relationships with these women: we meet when we can, discuss our lives with lively humor and intelligence, enjoy arts together occasionally, and then get back to work! No gossip, no women's-type things...just love and high respect. Women of all ages and races and creeds. What we have always had in common, is 'Strong'. We present to the world as 'Strong'....

Well, I've told you about the Women, because the Men who have been my Friends and "Brothers" have been nothing like these Women...that's a fact! To a Man, they have been sensitive, sweet, vulnerable men who have protected me and loved or very much cared for me and been supportive of me. they have behaved Exactly as every woman wishes a 'Brother' would behave in her life! They have been loyal. good listeners. non-judgmental. helpful. and, they have been interested in doing things I wanted to do. They went along with me on adventures in woodworking. canoe-ing. kayaking. fishing. diving... things men really do well. things I wanted to learn. They were all good Teachers. patient to a fault! I have often thought, if I could just find one Brother out there who would also be as good a lover as a Friend, I would probably 'have' the 'Right One'! But, in those last forty-five years, anyway, that was not to be...still, these Men were Wonderful Fellows...you'll see!...

My Best Friend Ever was Walter Fanning. Walter is dead, as of a couple of years ago. He lived for ninety-nine years. He had all of his 'marbles', as they say, right up until the end...he was very bright and funny and fun and good-hearted...he was such a Good Man! He was a Mechanical Engineer from UC Berkeley, who worked in the Mare Island Shipyards during WW 2 as an Officer. He was the Owner of Oakland Machine Works all of his working life after that, with a very happy crew of guys who eventually bought the place from him when he retired...He was a Woodworking Master all of his life as well,,,from age four! This is where our paths crossed with the most intensity...because of the Woodworking...Pops and I did wood work for over twenty years together.

We built desks, chairs, beds, tables, lots of walnut cedar and oak chests, bookcases, footrests, cabinets, Japanese bridges...even a rocking chair! We also gardened together and went to many, many Gilbert and Sullivan Musicals over the thirty three years we were dear Friends...older than my dad, he was never a dad to me, just My Best Friend...I saw him at least once, and usually several times or more, a month, for all those years....

Without him, I would have never been able to do the woodworking. I felt apprenticed to him for all those years, in his wonderful woodshop on the stream...I couldn't make a move in that old workshop, with it's iron-clad machines from the 1940s, without his supervision and specific instructions all the way...the only talking he did was a little whistle now and then, and those clear, concise instructions, patiently voiced every ten minutes or so! It was our routine, those twenty-plus-some years. It's what we did as a man and a woman who were Very Good Friends....

Then there is Bill...He's just...My Bill! ... Bill and I worked together in the Free Health Clinic Movement in Chicago...another story...He worked in the same clinic my good friend Barbara worked in...The Fritzi Engelstein Clinic! ...when he and his wife came back from Africa, where he had gone to be an MD in the early 70s, they moved to Oakland, so that he could do his Internship to be a GP at the local County Hospital...The kids and I were in Oakland too by then, and they got in touch with us to find housing close to the hospital. they moved into the first house we had lived in, under a redwood tree, and the Kids and I and our art-student room-mate moved three doors up the hill from them...we all soon became very good friends...then, he and she moved in with the kids and me to Pop's big house on Trestle Glen...another story...because they, (like every one who ever met them!) loved my kids, and wanted to live with us! (I used to call my three kids the Rent-A-Kid Service, because every one without kids was always "borrowing" them!) Anyway, we all lived happily together for a couple of years...then, my sister stole his wife away (o yeah. that's certainly is another story!...), and he had to move out, so that my sister could move in...This was a wee bit OK, but, I occurred to me that I didn't want him to go...he had become a very good friend. He was , in fact, that Brother I had never had, and always wanted!

So, he and I remained Good Friends! He calls me his Sister, since he never had a sister; and I call him my Bro. We are close. I've seen him through three marriages, and he's seen me through mine! We never judge each other. Tho he's a good MD, we never talk nurse-doctor shop...we never advise each other on how to raise our own kids, although we talk about our kids a lot. We just accept each other totally! He is my Very Best Brother Ever! I expect him to be in my life for life! He is so gregarious! He has many, many good friends. But I'm his only "Sister"! His daughter is my Godchild...I feed her rock collection with nice semi-precious stones for her Birthday every year. By fine coincidence, her Birthday is the same as Pop's had been!

Here's what Bill and I do best together...we hear and go to venues where I can sing, Folk Music...he plays clarinet....we occasionally go canoe-ing....we've gone cross-country ski-ing together...and, he was my Best Dive Partner in the Whole Ocean! Bill was the most patient and capable and easy-going Diving Buddy I ever had...I enjoyed diving with my friend Doris quite a bit, but she took some care and then I'd take some care, and then we'd both say, "We should have done this dive with Bill!" He never took over the dive. he would just teach us or me by doing the maneuvers or the navigation right. Then we/I would do it right. He was gentle in the water, yet very, very capable...once tho, he did make me drive him back to the Bay Area after a full day of diving: all the way from Salt Point in the north, in his VW Van, when he knew I had never really learned stick-shift! He just curled up in the back and said that he was too tired to drive! Three hours later after agonizing over twisty HW 1 with its plunging cliffs below, I was one irritated Big Sister!...Brothers can be such a Pain some time!

Then there are the Music Men...There was Father Tom, a Jesuit priest who sang with me at the National College of Education in Evanston, Illinois. We were on the same playbill as Odetta! We were so excited! Tom was my singing partner, and he played guitar much better than I, (which wasn't hard, I might add!...) I was nursing my newborn son, too. so milk pads were flying about in my excitement, as well! We sang four songs, and were pretty well received, considering that every one was really waiting for Odetta to come on! He was a good Music Man!...We sang together until I left for California....
Then I sang a lot with my second husband. he played guitar too, a little better than I...we have a tape we made... my son has it...that second husband was a pretty good Music Man, too...Folk Music, all the way....
Then there was Steve. he played concertina and sang very well. He and I did duets throughout the 90s, until he suddenly stopped being a Music Man and decided that he should leave his wife and steal me away from my boyfriend...he kind-of wrecked a very good singing partnership by going overboard without letting me in on it! I wasn't happy to let him go...but the friendship was gone... we sang mainly Irish Song...he was in the Group with me....
Then came Bruce! I honestly thought he would be my friend for life! We sang so well together, and did some canoe-ing together as well. He was such a lovable little Irishman - really good at the penny whistle! One of the best! Then along came his Bosnian wife-to-be and she became jealous! He was a Music Man and a Brother in my life, but new wives come first, I had to admit...a bit of a loss in my life. We had been very pleased friends for almost five years....
In the last ten years, I have tried to sing with many folks...only two, another Bill, and my dear Mike Staggs, have been true Music Men! I'm grateful and happy that they sing with me as often as they have!
All my Music Men have been Friends...it is lovely that my present Music Man is my Man for LIfe...may we have a long, long life of Music together!....

A word about Tim...he opened the door to so much! kayaking rivers! rafting rivers! more wood-working! (before Pops even came into my life), dances...hand gliding lessons, even!...he was so much younger than I...a lover, a friend, a kid with my kids...we had so much fun!...He was the Best Mate of my single years...of course, he had to grow up and go on...he even came to my second wedding tho, with his wife, (who looked pained and jealous...of someone so much older!)...he is the only guy I ever thought of as, truly, a mate...not a for-life kind of mate...a 'mate', like a shipmate, or a 'mate' from down-under! A Pal, maybe would describe it better! Every so now and then, we write and ask about the other...he always wants to know how the 'kids' are doing! Big Kid himself....!

A pause of respect for all the guys who went on camping trips with me and the Kids through the years...just to protect us from The Bears, I assume...we four were pretty capable and self-reliant without them, but we let them 'help'...it boosted their self-esteem, I believe!...well, I have to admit, they all built and maintained fires better that I did...I'm still awkward around fire!....

Then, there is Tio Rico, Richard...he is my oldest male 'friend'...I have written a whole story about him, so no need to repeat it here...it's titled, My Dear Lad...he is simply in my life as if there has always been an 'us'...not even speaking together more than a dozen times a year as the years go by...but, without the other, we would have a hole where the other should be...he is not my Soul Mate. That place belongs to another...but he is my true Older Brother, the poignant Brother of my Soul...what we do for each other, is merely Be There. for our life times. for the rest of our days....

So, these are my Male Friends...
I have deep gratitude for them -
I have trusted them and they have trusted me -
we have been kind to one another -
they taught me more than I ever gave back to them...still...

I gave them the loyal love of a Sister...

I know that without them
I'd never have rolled back one stone....