THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY...A TONGUE-IN-CHEEK ACCOUNT OF A LIFE SPENT IN WILLFUL DISREGARD OF CONVENTIONS...nuff said.

THE ONE LESS TRAVELED BY...A TONGUE-IN-CHEEK ACCOUNT OF A LIFE SPENT IN WILLFUL DISREGARD OF CONVENTIONS

It has occurred to me, over and over and over, that my life is such a grand set of oddly impulsive leaps of faith into too many directions. Just as my family and friends think me stable and set and behaving normally: I am not. I Am behaving naturally, that is, true to my nature. But I am always paying such a price for this obsession, this need to live my life with some sense of my own ideas of ethics and integrity, that the price is keeping my broke, literally, and out-of-sinc within my own culture as well... My need to be accepted as a 'normal' person of worth. My need to please. My need to control my own destiny. My need to see the job well-done, without, somehow, bossing the others around me...wait, let me back up a minute...! My Need To Control My Own Destiny! Isn't that a Rare one! Who are those lucky folks who either a) have so much money that they don't care what anyone thinks about what they do; or b) have nothing left to lose, like, if you've already lost everything and everybody and are just going to die sometime soon, so nobody cares anyway, except maybe your kids and grandbabies?...

So, what is this little homily about? It's about the extremely hard work it takes to lead a life differently than the neighbors and community, as such, around you, when you are Different than everyone around you, in many, many ways...It's about what prices you pay for trying to 'control' your own 'destiny'...It's about the great alone-ness, not actually loneliness, that is inside of you, when you look back and see that you have spent at least fifty years of your life struggling with these consequences of living a life of what you think self-actualization is all about, and all the rationales, the denials, the stories you tell yourself to make it Fine to be your idea of Your Self. Or, as in this 'story', what I've learned about these life choices. If you always learn and do and experience, stubbornly, every thing you really want to learn and do and experience, then you will have a Big Trouble Life to go along with these choices as well. Take my word for this.

First of all, you lose a Great Many People. Since you are the one who usually leaves these people, they are very, very sad and then very angry at you, and they should be. You accept their anger, and take responsibility for leaving them fully. They were 'fine', yes, they often were. It is You who are the truly Imperfect One. Lots of people put up with much worse conditions and people in their lives. You chose not to do so, and so you are not a good person. Most, if not all, of their friends leave you, in return Your own friends and family are unhappy with you, and some of these people leave you as well. The friends and family who remain in your life expect you to stay with you next choices, or they will be even more unhappy with you, and critical of you. They will be right. You are leaving these people for selfish reasons. You could have stayed and made the best of it. Some of these people may have even been the right people for you, and you just weren't paying attention, or you were too inexperienced to know better. Still, if you leave anyone else again, it will be all your fault. And yet, you do leave other people again. And, you do endure the wrath of the ones left behind. You are actually possibly a bad person. They won't even respect you when you admit it's all your fault. They expect that you are lying. You are not. But it doesn't matter. Women, especially, who leave perfectly 'fine' men, are simply wrong, in almost every culture. Yours is no exception. Still, you usually left because you could not continue to be your very own self around these people. and, you did not love them any more. there are some exceptions. The First Love was an exception. But, you would not have stayed with the others for love or money. For many reasons, The First Love is often the exception for women like you. You know leaving that guy was a mistake, and you keep looking for him in every guy you meet. The ghost lover...You're not supposed to carry a flame for the ghost lover either. It's not mature.

Then, there is the bit about you and Sex. It is considered ridiculous that you have gone after so much sex in your life. That is neither lady-like or normal for a lady. They write in the magazines that it's natural, but it isn't normal There's a difference. Especially as you get older. it's actually unseemly then. You should get your hormones in order. Really. Most of the women you know over fifty say so....

Especially if you are getting older, you are expected to stop doing what you want with life, and start to settle down, once and for all. You are supposed to allow your elders of the older generation, and the younger generation as well (your grown kids), advise you in everything. Everything you are doing should please them. If it does not, they will scold you and withdraw their affection from you. You might even be fired, if you are working for them. If you are not going to straighten out when you are older, then they are done with you. You have, lately, sometimes disappointed them. Not only are you the reason for Anything that did not work out well yet in their lives, but now, you are adding to their burdens by not being a well-behaved elder. You have a Lot of Nerve, after all they've done to love you, in spite of your constant transgressions...the Worst of Which is...

By jumping around in professions all of your life and getting divorces where you gave away the 'whole store', so to speak, you are now practically penniless. Your having spent all the money you should have put into investments, into going all over tarnation and Europe too, and having fun, was impossibly selfish. You have no debts, but that is totally un-American anyway, and you know that. The problem is your impending Old Age, about which these grown children are already arguing about a) who among them is going to 'take you in and take care of you', and b) how are you going to afford being ill and infirm, since you didn't save enough for your old age. All the thousands of reasons you have for not being this paradigm of middle-class wealth is of no interest to them. You should have had enough money to not be an inconvenient woman of poor prospects, and you failed that one hands down. You were a financial idiot. You also only have a little life insurance policy, when you could have at least left them a house and stocks and bonds and jewelry and stuff. All of which you never had. They are noble for loving you in spite of these mortal sins of neglect. You were great in the present, but you did not prepare well enough for your financial future. You are going to be A Problem.

You are not as perfect as your children in any way. certainly not as perfect as they are at the same age when you were definitely not perfect. They have proof of this. First of all, they ate poorly because you were a terrible cook when you came home after nine hours of work, and fed them only simple, healthy stuff that was not tasty. This was a great transgression on your part, and is made-fun-of whenever possible. Then, you never baked cookies for their grade-school classes, since you were always studying after dinner for all the classes you took to try to get a better job to support them better. You also never left them with babysitters enough - you took them everywhere with you, which got really boring over time. And now, while you are quite generous and good-hearted much of the time, your faults are still not corrected. There were much better mothers out there. You are not among them, and they will see that you change that. You should have sacrificed more and not tried to have your own life along with taking care of them 24/7. You were not a martyr. Only mothers who 'never had a life except for their kids' go to heaven. You were not so bad, but you will not go to heaven. They don't care that you don't even want to go to heaven....

When, at an old age, sixty-seven or so and above, you start to think that you are going to split the Elder scene and have another fling at True Love, you will be lucky if the whole community does not stone you to death. You have picked the First-Love-You-Left-Behind. It turns out that he was the one love you should Not have left behind. He was the Real Thing, and you know this now, because you've been around and all. You are sure. This will not be so clear to your community, at all. For them, it will be clear that you have lost your mind. They do Not want to have to get used to another move in your life...and so far away! If widowhood isn't enough for you, then you do not deserve their hard-earned respect. Buying a home with your boyfriend from high school. indeed. And you, an older lady. It's probably Sex again, isn't it. You just can't be respectable! If your life is not going to make them comfortable about you as an example to their children (your beloved grand children, who seem to love you just as you are, but, who, of course, do not really know you as their parents do), then at least one of them may shun you from all Family Gatherings. You are now possibly going to be a Shunned Elder, for all your selfish sins, for which, even if you are sorry about them, you seem to devote all of the time left to you. This is Not Admirable Behavior. You might not get to have happy contact with your Son and Grand children, and your Great Grand kids, ever again, if you do not shape up and drop these notions of just qutting jobs and running off and not being responsible, with old what's-his-name. What do you think you are? You are Not Twenty Any More. This is very sad for you, but it's too late not to still be 'In Control Of Your Own Destiny'...you know damn well you wouldn't change One Thing about what you did in your lifetime. You have no regrets at all. And, you are going to be with this man in your own home together. It is your's and his 'Destinies'. This is another sign of your willful insanity.

So, you go on. You move to Alaska or somewhere were all Old-MavericksWhoJustDidn't-Make-It-In-Society go. You settle in with your like-minded great old best friend and lover. you two make love all the time. it's your own beeswax, no body else's. you raise a garden. you schmooze with neighbors who all think all your stories and skills about the old days are "cool". you play and sing music together, and people come to hear you, because you are lovable old eccentrics. sometimes a kid or a grand kid comes to visit. you and they enjoy the visits just fine.

and then, you start to prepare to meet your maker, or at least to be connected to other elders who are like you, who you hope are there where ever you go when you die away...where is that 'Cocoon' when you really need it, anyway!....But...

Twenty more days or twenty more years go by in great happiness and Finally! some peace from all the yapping about your behavior! Conveniently, no one cares anymore, not even a few of the kids, who finally 'get it', apparently - since they're pretty decrepid too... It's about time! you think. And, you are right. It is all about time....


You and he built an excellent trap door in the kitchen floor. you both practice falling through on to the mattress below. When the right day comes, you both jump in together and die at once, just as you planned, after making old-person love one more time, of course. They find you pretty soon, so it's not even that gross, and at least it wasn't some damn nursing home or hospital with all those kids hovering around.

They toss both of your ashes into the ocean. You become bubbles, and they you make you the sea. This was, as planned by your ever-controlling-self,
always...all ways...
your Destiny....